Alissa

I pulled back the sheets of my bed, setting my laptop down on the bed as I listened to the sound of Peyton’s phone ringing in my ear, waiting for her to pick up so I could talk to her. I sat down on top of my mattress, pulling the blankets up over my legs before I picked the laptop up and set down on my lap.

“Hanna!” Peyton picked up, sounding relieved to see that I had finally gotten around to calling her.

“Hey,” I greeted. “Sorry I’m calling later then I had promised. I had a busy night,” I tried to explain. “But I have some pretty fantastic news for you.”

“You’re dating Sidney,” She said.

“I’m dating-how did you know what I was going to say?” I asked her, frowning.

“Because I saw pictures of you on his girlfriend forum,” She stated matter-of-factly.

“But we just became a couple. Literally, like, three hours ago, how do these girls know?” I asked her, opening up my Internet Explorer and searching Sidney’s name, finding the board easily.

“Hanna, he’s a little bit of a big deal. I’m sure girls at the rink were watching him and saw the way you two were or something. I mean, you weren’t even a couple and people thought you were a couple. Now that you are a couple, it’s obvious that you’re a…couple.” She paused before letting out a sigh, “I’m very tired.”

I laughed, scrolling through the comments on the page, noticing a couple of pictures of Sidney on the ice before I saw one of he and I talking by the back door of the arena, my eyes noticing the caption beneath it, which had clearly been written by one of the two girls who had received autographs from Sidney. There were a few comments before the picture that were less than kind, but the two girls from earlier on swore that I had actually been pretty sweet. It would have been more of a confidence push if they hadn’t followed that by calling me fat.

“Well, that certainly ruined the surprise aspect of it,” I finally said, closing the window before I had the chance to read anymore. “So, what’s new with you? I might as well ask since my big news was spoiled by the internet.” I made a face, “Why were you on Sidney’s girlfriend forum?”

“I was bored and wanted to know if you were pregnant yet,” She joked. “I had my first class today and, I don’t mean to alarm you, but now I’m learning how to properly apply make-up and what shades to use, I’m probably going to be a babe next time you see me.”

I laughed, checking my email while I talked to her, “You were already a babe, Peyton, but I will prepare myself for insecurity when I see you next. When will that be?”

Peyton hummed for a moment, probably checking her class schedule. “I have no idea. Once I’m done this introductory course I have to take a summer course so I’m caught up with the second year kids when I start in September.”

“So what you’re telling me is that I’ll never see you again?” I asked.

Peyton laughed, “Well, kind of. I could skip a week of classes, maybe. It’ll be at least a month. I want to talk to my teacher before I make any plans. I’ve only had one class but I’m already in love with it.”

“If you need some kind of a bribe, I know some hockey players,” I joked with her, earning a small chuckle from Peyton. “Has Kris called you or anything?”

Peyton sighed, “He emails me updates on everyone, but no actual conversations. It’s okay, I need to just focus on school right now.”

I yawned, scanning through the new messages in my inbox. “What time do you have to get up tomorrow?”

“In five hours,” She replied. “I guess I should go. How about I call you next time? If you’re busy, just push ignore on your cell.”

“I will answer,” I promised. “I’ll hopefully talk to you soon. Say hi to Jenna for me.”

“Right, because I would willingly talk to my sister,” Peyton reminded me. “Take care of yourself, Hanna.”

I hung up the phone, yawning as I continued to scan through the subject’s of the emails, trying to decide which were worth reading and which were junk emails. My eyes stopped on a message from my brother, catching my interest. I stared at it for a moment, the arrow of my mouse pad pausing on the “open” option for a few seconds before I sighed, logging off and shutting down my internet so I could place my laptop back on the floor and convince myself to sleep, trying to ignore the guilt that hit me from ignoring the message.

----------------------------

“You look tired,” Sidney observed, taking a bite out of his sandwich.

I nodded, twirling one of my French fries around in ketchup. “I didn’t sleep very well.”

He studied me for a moment, debating on whether he should ask anything else before sighing. “Something bothering you?”

I chewed on the fry for a moment, avoiding Sidney’s gaze for as long as possible before I looked up at him. “My brother emailed me, which he never does, he usually pretends I don’t exist, and I just ignored it. Now I’m worried that it was something serious.”

Sidney nodded, concern washing over his face as he reached out a hand and placed it on top of one of mine as a comforting gesture. “Wouldn’t he have called you?”

I shook my head, “He doesn’t have my cell number, and I don’t know his house number.”

Sidney frowned a little bit, sucking his bottom lip for a second. “Can I ask what happened with your family?”

I moved my eyes away from him, looking back down at my plate of almost untouched food. “I don’t want to pour all of that on you. At least, not this soon into our relationship. You don’t need to have anything else on your plate.”

Sidney sighed, “Hanna, come on. I know something’s up, and I’m either going to worry about it, or spend all day wondering why you won’t tell me.”

I hesitated for a second, playing with the food on my plate before I finally looked back up at Sidney. “You remember the picture of my cousin that you saw hanging up?” I asked him, waiting for him to nod his head. “Well, Alissa and I were really close. Best friends close, actually. Her mom is my mom’s twin sister, and they used to live just around the corner from us. Cameron always got along with her and her brother, Joseph, so we were all together when we were younger,” I tried to explain. “When I was about thirteen, Alissa started telling me about how many problems she was having at school. Not bullying or anything like that, it was academics. She was incredibly smart, certified genius smart, and her parents expected a lot of out of her. I guess she was having some problems in one of her excel classes and it was depressing her. I didn’t think too much of it, I mean, I was thirteen, everyone is stressed out then, but then I started hearing about how she was showing up at parties and drinking until she blacked out-”

“At thirteen?” Sidney interrupted. “I’m sorry it’s just, I didn’t even touch alcohol until I was 19, and my friends who started drinking underage were at least 17, not that that justifies it.”

I nodded, “I know. She was fourteen when it started, but still, it was crazy. She didn’t talk to me about it very much, but she admitted that it was because of how depressed she was feeling. I figured it was a phase and once the semester was over and she didn’t have that class anymore it would all fade out. But…” I stopped, smiling at the waitress who came over to take our dishes, taking her time as she leaned over Sidney, smiling at him as she picked up his dishes. I waited until she had sauntered off to continue, “I don’t know exactly what happened, but it involved a lot of vodka and who knows what else, and she woke up the next morning with no recollection of what had happened, and also no clothes.”

Sidney was silent, clearly aware of what had probably happened. His left hand was still over top of mine, trying to keep me calm while I spoke.

I had to pause and take a sip of my water. “I didn’t say anything to my family, especially not her parents, because I thought she’d be embarrassed and I thought that she should be the one to talk about it, so I just… I just didn’t tell anyone and now Cameron blames me.”

Sidney was quiet for a moment before he softly said, “She killed herself, didn’t she?”

I nodded, no longer looking at him but instead staring out the window. “She swallowed two bottles of Tylenol. Two. Downed them with a bottle of rum, laid down to sleep and that was that. She left a note that basically said she was sorry but she had nothing left to offer anyways.”

“Her parents don’t blame you, do they?” Sidney asked, stroking my hand with his thumb.

I shrugged. “I don’t think her dad does, but I think her mom does a little. She definitely resents me for not telling her what Alissa had gotten into, but she’s never come right and blamed me, not like Cameron did. They moved away three weeks after Alissa’s funeral, and they don’t really talk to us anymore.”

“Is that why you’re so crazy about me not holding anything in?” Sidney asked quietly. “You don’t want anybody to deal with their problems alone, because the one person you know who did that is gone now.”

I nodded, looking back at him and surprised to see how much pain had crept into his face. Without thinking, I lifted up my other free hand and planted it on top of his.

“Hanna, you realize that by not telling anyone about this, you’re dealing with it alone, right?” He asked.

I sighed. I had been fighting back my emotions since Sidney had asked what was wrong, but now I could feel the sobs waiting in the middle of my throat. “I guess that I sort of felt like I didn’t deserve sympathy because Alissa would be alive if I had just told my parents. Or anyone. If anyone knew that she had been raped-”

“Hanna, that is not your fault,” Sidney said, getting up from his side of the booth so he could come over to my side, sitting so he was facing me and taking both of my hands in his. “Who knows if telling someone would have stopped her? Maybe she had made up her mind. And, you know what, how was she getting to all of these parties? You can find someone to blame anywhere you look, but that decision was still Alissa’s.”

“I just feel like everyone has been looking at me since it happened,” I confessed.

Sidney pulled me into him as soon as he saw the way my eyes began to glass over, letting me take a moment to cry. “Cameron doesn’t talk to you at all, does he?” He asked when I finally lifted up my head.

“No. That’s why I’m so worried about he sent me. It’s either going to be some nasty reminder that Alissa is dead or it’s another tragedy,” I told him.

Sidney nodded, smoothing down my hair. “Listen, how about later on I look at it for you. If it’s bad, I won’t say anything about it and we’ll forget it was there. Then you don’t have to worry about it.”

I sighed, wiping my eyes, “I guess that could maybe work. I just don’t want to think about it all, honestly. It’s still such a touchy subject for me.”

Sidney nodded. “How about we go distract you, then?”

I eyed him for a moment. “Distract me with what?”

He grinned, “Remember that time we went bowling back in Vancouver?”

I laughed, “Yes. You kicked everyone’s ass. You think reminding me of how bad I am at bowling will make me feel better?”
“We’ll put the guardrails up,” He bargained, already standing up and extending a hand to me.

I sighed, sliding out of the booth and letting him take my hand. “I’m sorry I cried all over you,” I apologized as we headed out to his car.

Sidney opened up my door for me, looking down at me with a serious expression washing over his face. “Don’t ever apologize for telling me about what hurts you, Hanna. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me these things. I don’t want you to feel like you’re dealing with all of this by yourself, so if you ever feel like you need to talk about it, or anything else, or that you need to cry, you just call me and I will be the person who listens to you and wipes away all of those tears.”

I stared up at him for a few moments before placing a hand on one of his shoulders and standing up on the tips of my toes so I could kiss his cheek before I climbed into the car.