Thursday, November 11, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Hey guys!
If anyone cares enough to check out the Kris Letang story, head on over here and let me know what you think. It's not as funny as the Sidney story, but I'm really in love with where it's going so far. Anyways, if you do check it out, be sure to let me know what you think.
If anyone cares enough to check out the Kris Letang story, head on over here and let me know what you think. It's not as funny as the Sidney story, but I'm really in love with where it's going so far. Anyways, if you do check it out, be sure to let me know what you think.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Epilogue
I told myself I wasn't going to write anything past part 45, but I felt like the story needed something else. Surprise, I guess.
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“Call me as soon as you’re at the arena,” Sidney instructed me, speaking loudly so I could hear him over all of the background noise.
“If you don’t let me hang up the phone and leave, I’ll never get to the arena,” I told him, searching through my purse to find my car keys. “I’ll see you in about an hour.”
“An hour!” He yelled, making me move the phone away from my ear. “Hanna, come on, it does not take an hour to get from the school to the arena.”
“It does when your class ends at five fifteen, it’s rush hour and the Pittsburgh Penguins are in town to play a game at GM Place.”
“Those Penguins, they just go and mess everything up,” he joked, letting out a loud sigh. “Fine, you’ll just get here when I’m already on the ice and I won’t be able to see you before the game. That’s fine. I’m not going to cry about it… that much.”
I rolled my eyes, walking out to my car. “I’ll see as soon as I can, alright?”
“Alright, I guess I can hold myself together until then,” he joked. “I’ll let you go so you can actually drive to me.”
I smiled, pulling the car door shut and tossing my purse onto the passenger seat. “If I take the back roads, I might manage to get there just before the game.”
“Really? Okay, I’m going to wait in the hall as long as I can, just in case. I hope you aren’t teasing me.”
“Goodbye, Sidney,” I laughed, flipping my phone shut and starting up my car, tugging my seat belt on as I left the parking lot.
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Sidney was waiting just outside of the Penguins locker room, already in all of his gear, jersey including. His stick was leaning against the wall behind him, his helmet resting on top of the sticks knob. He took a few steps towards me when I first rounded the corner, being careful as he was in his skates and there were cables from all of the cameras scattered around the floor.
I shook my head at him, laughing at him as he had to crouch down to be able to hug me properly, lifting me up as he did so. “I can’t believe you made your dad come pick me up.”
“I missed you,” he said, mumbling into my neck, finally setting me back down on my feet.
“It’s only been three days,” I reminded him, grinning.
He shrugged, his hands resting on my waist. “I don’t care, I still missed you. Are you done school now?”
I nodded, placing my hands on top of his and letting out a small sigh. “Don’t you have a game to go play?”
Sidney nodded, leaning down to place a quick kiss on my lips before stepping away from me. “Yeah, I should probably do that. Apparently they need me or something,” he said, rolling his eyes before sending me a playful wink, popping his helmet onto his head and grabbing his stick. “The rest of the guys are already out there warming up, so I should probably go.”
“I’ll be up in the booth with all the other not as important people.” I gave him a wave, turning and trying not to walk into any of the news crew waiting back there.
Peyton was already sitting with a full plate of food when I stepped into the booth, waving at me. “Glad you could make it.”
“You’re eating that much?” I asked, waving to the familiar faces up in the booth. “Wow.”
“This is the first day I haven’t been too nervous to eat in about two weeks,” she told me, her mouth half full of some kind of artichoke dip. “Did you go see your little pookie? He was driving me crazy all afternoon, asking if you’d make it in time.”
I smiled, unzipping my hoodie. “I did, for a minute. He seems excited, which is good. How’s Kris?”
Peyton laughed, setting down the drumstick she had been about to take a bite of. “A nervous wreck. I’m surprised they’re letting him play, he can hardly think straight. I thought it was the girl who was supposed to get all worked up about the wedding?”
“Kris is a pretty feminine guy,” I reminded her.
“Right. The one dating a I]Sidney[/I] is mocking my man’s level of manliness,” Peyton said, rolling her eyes at me.
“Sid has to be a total man because of his girl name, okay?” I defended. “I’m going to grab some food before the game officially starts,” I decided out loud, standing up and shrugging off my hoodie as I made my towards the small table of food.
Sidney’s parents, Troy and Trina, stepped into the booth, having just left an interview. “Hanna!” Trina greeted, coming over to wrap me in a hug. “Sidney wasn’t sure that you’d make it in time.”
“Well, I may have broken a few laws, but I managed to get here,” I told her, smiling as I picked up a plate. “Troy, good to see you.”
He shook his head at me, glancing at my shirt. “I can’t believe you. You’re in the visitor’s suite box, with the owners of the team, dating the star player, and you’re wearing a Canucks shirt.”
“Not just a Canucks shirt,” I corrected, turning around so they could see the back. “A Mason Raymond player shirt.” I grabbed a spoonful of spinach dip, smirking at him. “As much as I love your son, I’ve got to stay loyal to my home team.”
Troy sighed, picking up a plate of his own. “Sometimes I wonder what that boy sees in you,” he told me, grinning afterwards.
I returned to my seat beside Peyton, noticing that the anthem singer had made his way out onto the ice, coaxing all of us stand up, even though he probably couldn’t see so far up from where he was on the ice.
When the game finally started, Peyton and I were lost in it. The last three time the Canucks and Penguins had met, the Canucks had managed to take the win. This time, it looked like the Pens were in control of the game. Five minutes into the first period, Malkin carried the puck down the ice, hollering over to Jordan, faking a pass to him and then dropping the puck behind him for Kris to pick up. Without a second of hesitation, Kris shot the puck, catching Luongo by surprise as he was halfway into position, having believed that Jordan would end up with the puck. It was one noting for the Pens, and Peyton and I stood up and cheered before groaning. It was complicated to date someone on one team and secretly be rooting against them.
By the end of the second period, the Pens were up 3-1, and GM Place was buzzing. It was a mixed crowd, half of them there to catch Sidney Crosby in all of his glory, and the other half die-hard Canuck fans who had been hoping for a repeat of the last time the Penguins were in town and the Canucks took the game 6-2.
Peyton let out a long sigh, turning to face me. “Well, Kris should be so tired he won’t have the energy to fret over the wedding tonight.”
I grinned, a wave of excitement hitting me as I thought about Peyton and Kris becoming Mr and Mrs Letang. “I can’t believe it’s tomorrow.”
She made a face, “I can’t either. I feel like there’s five million things I haven’t done yet, and I’m still convinced that someone else should do my make-up. My hands will be shaking too bad to properly apply eyeliner.”
I laughed, “Peyton, you went to school for cosmetology, why would you way someone to do what you’re already really good at? And as for the shaky hands, we’ll give you a little rum and that should calm you right down.”
She laughed, nudging me. “Sid got his tux fitted, right?”
“I told him too, so he should have. If not, I’m sorry that your wedding party pictures will be ruined by the guy in his boxers.”
“I could make so much money off Sidney Crosby in his boxers,” she muttered, taking a bite out of the Nanaimo bar she was eating.
I gave my head a light shake, glancing back down at the ice as the teams skated back on for the third period. Sidney had been trying desperately to score a goal all game. He had hit two posts, and Luongo had managed to make three saves on him. I could see, even from as high up as I was, that there was that determined glint in his eye. Just the way he glanced back towards the defenceman before taking his spot in the face off circle, I knew that he was out to blood. I had known it since Kris had scored that goal early in the first. Sidney Crosby did not like to be shown up, especially in a city where pictures of him scoring the “Golden goal” two years ago were still hung up.
His determination paid off with three minutes left in the third period. The Canucks had managed to come within one goal, thanks to Mason Raymond, but a bad turnover at the blue line by Shane O’Brien set Sidney on a break away, O’Brien and Ballard chasing after him to try and stop what the entire Canuck team had been determined to prevent from the start; Crosby scoring a goal.
I already knew that Sidney would try and go short side, as that was Luongo’s weakest spot. He faked him out, moving the puck to his left before using his skate to kick it back onto his stick, scoop it up and shoot at the side of the net, pumping his arms into the air as the goal light flashed behind him, Luongo’s head falling backwards in disappointment while the Penguins bench jumped up and down. Half of the arena cheered and the other half groaned, their heads falling forwards as they realized that the game was now out of reach.
I could only grin, Peyton and I high-fiving while the boys celebrated on the ice.
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I didn’t get to sleep that night. With their wedding the next day, Peyton spent the evening pacing the apartment, walking into my room to ask me if I was sure that she should leave her hair down, or if lipstick would be too much. Once the clock hit four in the morning, I gave up and got out of bed, joining her in the living to drink some coffee and go over the plans for the day. I spent most of the morning talking her out of approaching panic attacks, and any free moments that I had were spent sending text messages to Sidney to let him know that Peyton hadn’t completely lost her mind yet.
I could hardly believe it when I finally found myself waiting at the altar, watching Kris’ nervous face as the doors at the end of the church were pulled open and Peyton emerged, every one of the guests standing up and staring at her in awe. I had always known that Peyton was beautiful, and I had also secretly resented her for that fact, but the way her entire face glowed as she made her down the aisle to stand beside Kris was a whole different level of beauty. Even glancing over at Kris, who was fighting back the tears that were welling in his eyes at he looked at her, I was taken aback by how beautiful the two of them looked. Kris had even gone out and cut his hair for the big day.
“Did you cry?” Sidney asked me, taking a sip of his juice as we watched Kris and Peyton take their first dance together.
I smirked at him. “I teared up a bit, but I didn’t actually cry. You?”
“Me?” He scoffed, “Hanna, I’m a man. We only cry over two things; Football and baby girls.” He frowned, scratching the back of his neck before quickly adding, “Our own baby girls, I mean. We don’t just cry when we see a little girl or anything, I mean-”
“I know what you mean,” I interrupted, laughing at him. “Do you have a daughter you haven’t told me about?” I asked jokingly, earning an eyebrow wag from him.
The DJ announced that other couples could join in on the dance floor, causing Sidney to promptly push his chair and extend a hand to me, a sly grin on his face.
I eyed his hand for a moment, moving my eyes back up to his face. “You want to dance? Are you drunk?”
He laughed, helping me up from my chair. “No, I’m just in the mood to dance. It is one of my best friend’s wedding, after all,” he reminded me, walking me out to the dance floor and wrapping his arms around me. “And you do look very lovely in that green dress,” he added, smiling at me.
I thanked him, glancing over at the other couples who had made their way out onto the floor. Jordan was already being asked to dance with some of Kris’ younger cousins, causing the giant to lean down and pick up one of the tiny girls, making her blush as he held her up so they could dance. “Kris and Peyton are married.”
Sidney nodded, his chin resting on top of my head. “It’s crazy, right?”
“I feel like just yesterday she was asking me how hockey worked, and now, she’s married to a hockey player,” I said, sighing. “Where does the time go?”
Sidney let out a small chuckle, lifting his chin off of my head so he could lean back and look at me. “I don’t know, baby.”
I looked over at Kris and Peyton, not able to contain the grin that broke out at the two of them as he spun Peyton around, laughing when she nearly tripped over the fabric of her dress. “This is a really beautiful wedding,” I said quietly, my eyes wondering around the room to take in all of the flowers, the candles, the white rose pedals scattered across part of the floor.
“Yeah,” Sidney agreed, his own eyes surveying the room before a smirk appeared across his face and he glanced down at me. “Ours will be nicer.”
I felt my eyes widen for a second before I looked up at him, a smirk appearing on my face as well. “Oh, you think you’re going to marry me, eh, Crosby?”
He let out a soft laugh, shrugging his shoulders. “Well, you know. I think it’d be nice.”
My own reply was interrupted by Peyton clearing her throat, smiling the two of us. “Mind if I cut in?” She asked.
I nodded, stepping away from Sidney. “Go for it, Mrs. Letang.”
Peyton rolled her eyes, swatting away Sidney’s hands. “Not with him, silly. I want to dance with my best friend. Is that okay, Sid?”
Sidney laughed. “As long as I don’t have to dance with Kris.”
“You want to dance with me?” I asked, almost pouting as Sidney walked back over to the table before I looked at her again, “That’s kind of odd.”
“Hanna, it is my wedding day. I can do odd things,” She frowned, “That was a bad choice of words.”
I grinned at her. “You’re someone’s wife now, Peyton. How does that feel?”
“I think you should ask me that in a month or so,” she answered, her free hand reaching up to play with one of her curls. “I feel kind of old, to be honest.”
“Old? Pey, you’re 23,” I reminded her, laughing.
Peyton smiled, her hand falling to her side. “I know. I just… I didn’t think I’d ever get married, so this is so odd for me. I always figured I’d be at your wedding before you’d be at mine, you know?”
I shrugged, my eyes moving just past her to see Kris talking with one of his friends, a grin still on his face. “Maybe. I think that when you find the one, it doesn’t really matter when you get married, you know? I mean, it’s fairly obvious that you’re meant to be with Kris, and you’ve got things figured out. You’re not worried it’s too soon, are you? Because, I hate to say it, but it’s a little too late.”
Peyton shook her head, the smiling returning to her face. “No, I’m not thinking that at all. I’m just surprised that someone can actually put up with me.”
I chuckled at her. “There’s someone out there for everyone, right?”
She shrugged, glancing back as Kris called her. “I guess. Have fun tonight, alright?” She said.
I nodded, “You too,” I added, winking at her and laughing as she groaned, turning around to try and spot Sidney again.
He was over by the cake table, not eating a piece, but talking quietly with my brother, Cameron. The two had finally met just a few months ago, and even though I was still worried that Cameron wouldn’t approve of my dating a hockey player, especially a hockey player that I had once dated and been dumped by, the two seemed to hit off. They went fishing together in the summer, and Cameron had flown out to see a few games throughout the season. The fact that Elizabeth approved of Sidney, and that little baby Alison had become Sidney’s favourite person in the entire world didn’t hurt, either.
I waited a moment before finally walking over to the two, making sure to make enough noise that they heard me and smiling at them as they turned to face me. “Sorry, I was just lonely.”
Cameron grinned at me. “No worries at all, Hanna. Sidney was just telling me about how he went on the Canucks for you,” he said, grinning at Sidney.
Sidney laughed. “Yeah, that’s totally what we were talking about,” he agreed, reaching an arm out to tug me closer to him. “Actually, Cameron was proposing that we come out and visit him and Liz sometime,” he told me, planting a kiss on my forehead.
“Oh really?” I asked, looking to Cameron. “You just want to brag about knowing Sidney Crosby.”
Cameron laughed. “That’s definitely my only motive,” he agreed. “You two should talk it over and let me know when you’re free.” He pointed a finger at me, his face growing serious, “But you won’t be sharing a room.”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes at him, nodding instead. “Understood. We will sleep in separate rooms.”
He nodded, glancing at Sidney, who was awkwardly looking anywhere but at Cameron. “Well, I should go find my wife, congratulate Peyton and head on home to put my little girl to bed,” he told me. “You have to come see her before Liz and I fly back home, Hanna. She’s gotten so big.”
I nodded, “I want to see her. Elizabeth told me that she’s talking now and it made me feel really out of the loop.”
Cameron nodded, reaching out to pat Sidney’s shoulder. “I’ll talk to the two of you later. Have a good night,” He said, leaning down to give me a hug before he headed off in search of his wife.
I let my head fall to rest against Sidney’s shoulder, yawning. “What time is it?”
“It’s only eight o’clock,” he said, laughing at my obvious fatigue. “You going to make it?”
I nodded, smiling up at him. “I’m sure a piece of cake will make me feel more energized,” I told him, moving away from his embrace to grab a piece off of the table.
Sidney sighed. “I miss cake.”
“You could have a piece. It’s not like it’ll kill you,” I reminded him, waving the plate in front of his face.
“I can’t. I ate a piece at the rehearsal dinner, and I only allow myself three pieces of cake a year.” He reminded me, watching the plate as I teased him with it.
“You’re just holding out in case there’s better cake somewhere down the line this year?” I asked, taking a bite of the cake.
He shrugged. “You never know.” He let out a long sigh. “You’re going to watch hockey with me tomorrow right? I fly out late in the night, so we could watch most of the Canucks versus the Sharks.”
I nodded, chewing on the bite of cake before answering, “Of course. I never pass up the chance to oggle at both Mason Raymond and Joe Thornton, Sid. You should know that by now.”
Sidney smiled, reaching out to pull me back towards him once more.
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“Hanna, come on, the game is starting!” Sidney yelled at me.
I groaned, pulling my hair up into a ponytail as I made my way out of my room and into the living room where Sidney was, sighing as I plopped down on the couch beside him. “It’s weird to be in here without Peyton,” I told him.
He nodded, moving his hand to brush my bangs out of my eyes. “I know. You’re going to get so lonely, way out here in Vancouver while everyone else is in Pittsburgh.” He shot me a look.
I shook my head at him. “Come on, Sid. You know how I feel about the living together thing. I don’t want to move everything into your place and then have us break-up, not that I think we’re going to break up.”
He sighed, nodding his head and pulling his blackberry out of his pocket. “I know, but that’s not going to stop me from bugging you about it,” he reminded me, glancing up from his phone to shoot me a smile before he texted something, shoving the phone back into his pocket. “I mean, it’s been two years now, and you finish your photography course in a month” he reminded me.
I reached a hand up to playfully thwack his nose, making him laugh. He hushed me before I could say anything back, pressing his fingers to my lips with a playful smirk .”Now, now, my buddy Roberto is being interviewed and I want to hear what he has to say. He might talk about me,” he pointed out.
“Wow, you just think everyone is talking about you, don’t you?” I asked, grinning at him as he shook his head at me, my attention falling back to the TV while Sidney squirmed a bit beside me, apologizing when I glanced at him.
Roberto Luongo appeared on screen alongside Dan Murphy, half dressed in his uniform, not wearing his actual jersey yet, and his green Canucks hat resting on his mess of curls. Just as Sidney has joked, he was asked about the game against the Penguins just two nights ago, admitting that he believe Sidney was going easy on him, too. “Ever since the Olympics, Sid has been more of a friend then a hockey rival,” he explained with a small smile. “He definitely had me beat at one point, but he passed it off to Kris Letang. I guess he was trying to help Tangers show off to his lady, since he was getting married the next night,” he joked.
“I love that people just can’t believe that sometimes you’re just off your game,” I muttered at Sidney, making him chuckle at me.
Dan Murphy brought up the possibility of a Canucks versus Penguins Cup final, making Luongo laugh. “That’s a long way away, that’s for sure, and we’ve got a lot of work to put in before we can even really think about the Playoffs. But, it would be interesting. I know Sid’s weaknesses, and he knows mine. It could make things interesting,” he admitted.
Dan Murphy went on a semi long speech about the Olympics, about the upcoming 2014 ones and whether Luongo thought he had a chance at earning the start in those competitions. His answer was drowned out by Sidney turning to me and asking, “What do you think of Kris and Peyton’s agreement?”
I looked away from the TV and back at him. “The wedding one?”
He laughed, “No. Their decision that if they got married out here, where all of Peyton’s family and friends were, she’d move to Pittsburgh without any complaints. What do you think of that?”
I shrugged. “I guess it’s fair. She’s leaving everything here to go and follow him around, right?” I asked, watching as Sidney nodded. “I mean, if she was going to make him play for the Canucks or move out of Pittsburgh, that would be ridiculous. Why? You disagree?”
He shook his head, his attention moving back to the TV. “No, I just hadn’t asked you about it and I was curious, that’s all.” His hand moved up to twirl a piece of my hair absentmindedly as he watched the last bit of Luongo’s interview.
I didn’t manage to catch whatever Dan Murphy had asked, but Luongo grinned, nodding his head. “I do talk to him, actually. I just talked to him, funny enough.” He bit his lip, turning his attention away from Dan Murphy and to the camera. “Actually, the best part of being kind of friends with a guy like Crosby is that he asks you for favours occasionally. I told him if he didn’t show me up in our game, I’d do this one little thing for him.” Luongo seemed to pause just for dramatic effect, long enough for me to frown as I realized that Sidney actually [I]had[/I] gone easy on the Canucks net minder, and that I was completely confused as to why he would do that.
I could see Sidney shift a bit out of the corner of my eye, but before I could fully move my attention from the TV to him, Luongo spoke again. “Sidney asked if I’d hold this up for him.” Luongo stepped off camera for a moment, leaving a grinning Dan Murphy before he re-appeared with a sign, winking at the camera. “Hanna, I hope you’re watching.” Without another second of hesitation, he flipped the sign over, leaving me to stare at the words [b]Hanna, will you marry me?[/b] written across it.
The camera cut back to the TSN studio, causing me to shake myself out of my shock and turn to Sidney, about to ask him whether I had just hallucinated or not.
My answer came in the form of Sidney holding out a velvet box with a ring in it, a nervous look on his face as he stared at me. “Hanna, I think I’ve been in love with you since that day, two years ago, when we first talked and you treated me like an actual person. I spent more time wondering it would be like to kiss you then I did working on my face-offs, or on my skating. I spent months agonizing over the best way to actually ask you out, and then you kissed me, and it just felt like everything in my life was okay.” He paused, swallowing hard before continuing. “I know that the start of our relationship had it’s hard times. When you moved out of Pittsburgh and back out here, and we weren’t really speaking, I felt like I had lost everything. I felt like I had lost my world and myself while you were gone, and, to be honest, when I’m out on the road and think about how you’re in a different country and so far away from me, I feel like I’m losing myself again. I don’t know who I am without you by my side, and I don’t want to know who I’d be without you. So, I guess what I’m trying to ask you is,” he stopped, taking in a deep breath before he asked, “Will you marry me?”
My eyes had been on his face the entire time, taking in every detail of his beautiful features as he spoke, every word that he had said sinking into my sink and becoming a part of me. I didn’t notice that I had actually done the typical girl thing and teared up until I blinked and one of the tears cascaded over the bottom of my eye and rolled gently down my cheeks, only making it halfway before Sidney’s free hand reached out to brush it away. I had to inhale deeply to find my voice, closing my eyes as I did so before opening them once more. “Yes.”
It was a simple answer, not nearly as breathtaking as his speech to me had been, but the way Sidney’s entire face seemed to lift up into this radiant joy was enough to let me know that I didn’t have to say anything more. He leaned in to kiss me, softly on the lips before his own lips moved up to my nose, and then to each cheek, then back to my lips. He moved back long enough to pull the ring out of the box, allowing me to actually get a look at it.
It was a beautiful ring, really. I didn’t know a lot about jewellery, but the thin silver band held one rather large diamond, along with two smaller ones, one on each side, and it was the most perfect piece of jewellery I had ever laid eyes on. He slid the ring onto my finger without a second thought before he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me towards him, pulling me into a kiss as the now empty box landed on the floor. He broke the kiss for a moment, apologizing to me as he grabbed his Blackberry once more, sending off another text and letting the phone drop to the ground as he leaned down to me again.
In the background, barely heard over the sound of my own heartbeat echoing in my head as Sidney planted kisses all over my face and I stared down at the ring on my hand, I heard Dan Murphy announce that Sidney Crosby was officially off the market, making me laugh. “I can’t believe how cheesy you are,” I mumbled to Sidney, making him stop his kissing parade and grin at me.
“That’s why you love me though, right? Because I’m cheesy and make you look good?”
I reached a hand up to run it through his dark hair before letting it rest against his cheek. I could only sigh, taking in his face once more. “I love you.”
He grinned, taking my hand and moving it to his mouth so he could kiss the palm of it. “I love you, too.”
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“Call me as soon as you’re at the arena,” Sidney instructed me, speaking loudly so I could hear him over all of the background noise.
“If you don’t let me hang up the phone and leave, I’ll never get to the arena,” I told him, searching through my purse to find my car keys. “I’ll see you in about an hour.”
“An hour!” He yelled, making me move the phone away from my ear. “Hanna, come on, it does not take an hour to get from the school to the arena.”
“It does when your class ends at five fifteen, it’s rush hour and the Pittsburgh Penguins are in town to play a game at GM Place.”
“Those Penguins, they just go and mess everything up,” he joked, letting out a loud sigh. “Fine, you’ll just get here when I’m already on the ice and I won’t be able to see you before the game. That’s fine. I’m not going to cry about it… that much.”
I rolled my eyes, walking out to my car. “I’ll see as soon as I can, alright?”
“Alright, I guess I can hold myself together until then,” he joked. “I’ll let you go so you can actually drive to me.”
I smiled, pulling the car door shut and tossing my purse onto the passenger seat. “If I take the back roads, I might manage to get there just before the game.”
“Really? Okay, I’m going to wait in the hall as long as I can, just in case. I hope you aren’t teasing me.”
“Goodbye, Sidney,” I laughed, flipping my phone shut and starting up my car, tugging my seat belt on as I left the parking lot.
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Sidney was waiting just outside of the Penguins locker room, already in all of his gear, jersey including. His stick was leaning against the wall behind him, his helmet resting on top of the sticks knob. He took a few steps towards me when I first rounded the corner, being careful as he was in his skates and there were cables from all of the cameras scattered around the floor.
I shook my head at him, laughing at him as he had to crouch down to be able to hug me properly, lifting me up as he did so. “I can’t believe you made your dad come pick me up.”
“I missed you,” he said, mumbling into my neck, finally setting me back down on my feet.
“It’s only been three days,” I reminded him, grinning.
He shrugged, his hands resting on my waist. “I don’t care, I still missed you. Are you done school now?”
I nodded, placing my hands on top of his and letting out a small sigh. “Don’t you have a game to go play?”
Sidney nodded, leaning down to place a quick kiss on my lips before stepping away from me. “Yeah, I should probably do that. Apparently they need me or something,” he said, rolling his eyes before sending me a playful wink, popping his helmet onto his head and grabbing his stick. “The rest of the guys are already out there warming up, so I should probably go.”
“I’ll be up in the booth with all the other not as important people.” I gave him a wave, turning and trying not to walk into any of the news crew waiting back there.
Peyton was already sitting with a full plate of food when I stepped into the booth, waving at me. “Glad you could make it.”
“You’re eating that much?” I asked, waving to the familiar faces up in the booth. “Wow.”
“This is the first day I haven’t been too nervous to eat in about two weeks,” she told me, her mouth half full of some kind of artichoke dip. “Did you go see your little pookie? He was driving me crazy all afternoon, asking if you’d make it in time.”
I smiled, unzipping my hoodie. “I did, for a minute. He seems excited, which is good. How’s Kris?”
Peyton laughed, setting down the drumstick she had been about to take a bite of. “A nervous wreck. I’m surprised they’re letting him play, he can hardly think straight. I thought it was the girl who was supposed to get all worked up about the wedding?”
“Kris is a pretty feminine guy,” I reminded her.
“Right. The one dating a I]Sidney[/I] is mocking my man’s level of manliness,” Peyton said, rolling her eyes at me.
“Sid has to be a total man because of his girl name, okay?” I defended. “I’m going to grab some food before the game officially starts,” I decided out loud, standing up and shrugging off my hoodie as I made my towards the small table of food.
Sidney’s parents, Troy and Trina, stepped into the booth, having just left an interview. “Hanna!” Trina greeted, coming over to wrap me in a hug. “Sidney wasn’t sure that you’d make it in time.”
“Well, I may have broken a few laws, but I managed to get here,” I told her, smiling as I picked up a plate. “Troy, good to see you.”
He shook his head at me, glancing at my shirt. “I can’t believe you. You’re in the visitor’s suite box, with the owners of the team, dating the star player, and you’re wearing a Canucks shirt.”
“Not just a Canucks shirt,” I corrected, turning around so they could see the back. “A Mason Raymond player shirt.” I grabbed a spoonful of spinach dip, smirking at him. “As much as I love your son, I’ve got to stay loyal to my home team.”
Troy sighed, picking up a plate of his own. “Sometimes I wonder what that boy sees in you,” he told me, grinning afterwards.
I returned to my seat beside Peyton, noticing that the anthem singer had made his way out onto the ice, coaxing all of us stand up, even though he probably couldn’t see so far up from where he was on the ice.
When the game finally started, Peyton and I were lost in it. The last three time the Canucks and Penguins had met, the Canucks had managed to take the win. This time, it looked like the Pens were in control of the game. Five minutes into the first period, Malkin carried the puck down the ice, hollering over to Jordan, faking a pass to him and then dropping the puck behind him for Kris to pick up. Without a second of hesitation, Kris shot the puck, catching Luongo by surprise as he was halfway into position, having believed that Jordan would end up with the puck. It was one noting for the Pens, and Peyton and I stood up and cheered before groaning. It was complicated to date someone on one team and secretly be rooting against them.
By the end of the second period, the Pens were up 3-1, and GM Place was buzzing. It was a mixed crowd, half of them there to catch Sidney Crosby in all of his glory, and the other half die-hard Canuck fans who had been hoping for a repeat of the last time the Penguins were in town and the Canucks took the game 6-2.
Peyton let out a long sigh, turning to face me. “Well, Kris should be so tired he won’t have the energy to fret over the wedding tonight.”
I grinned, a wave of excitement hitting me as I thought about Peyton and Kris becoming Mr and Mrs Letang. “I can’t believe it’s tomorrow.”
She made a face, “I can’t either. I feel like there’s five million things I haven’t done yet, and I’m still convinced that someone else should do my make-up. My hands will be shaking too bad to properly apply eyeliner.”
I laughed, “Peyton, you went to school for cosmetology, why would you way someone to do what you’re already really good at? And as for the shaky hands, we’ll give you a little rum and that should calm you right down.”
She laughed, nudging me. “Sid got his tux fitted, right?”
“I told him too, so he should have. If not, I’m sorry that your wedding party pictures will be ruined by the guy in his boxers.”
“I could make so much money off Sidney Crosby in his boxers,” she muttered, taking a bite out of the Nanaimo bar she was eating.
I gave my head a light shake, glancing back down at the ice as the teams skated back on for the third period. Sidney had been trying desperately to score a goal all game. He had hit two posts, and Luongo had managed to make three saves on him. I could see, even from as high up as I was, that there was that determined glint in his eye. Just the way he glanced back towards the defenceman before taking his spot in the face off circle, I knew that he was out to blood. I had known it since Kris had scored that goal early in the first. Sidney Crosby did not like to be shown up, especially in a city where pictures of him scoring the “Golden goal” two years ago were still hung up.
His determination paid off with three minutes left in the third period. The Canucks had managed to come within one goal, thanks to Mason Raymond, but a bad turnover at the blue line by Shane O’Brien set Sidney on a break away, O’Brien and Ballard chasing after him to try and stop what the entire Canuck team had been determined to prevent from the start; Crosby scoring a goal.
I already knew that Sidney would try and go short side, as that was Luongo’s weakest spot. He faked him out, moving the puck to his left before using his skate to kick it back onto his stick, scoop it up and shoot at the side of the net, pumping his arms into the air as the goal light flashed behind him, Luongo’s head falling backwards in disappointment while the Penguins bench jumped up and down. Half of the arena cheered and the other half groaned, their heads falling forwards as they realized that the game was now out of reach.
I could only grin, Peyton and I high-fiving while the boys celebrated on the ice.
--------------------
I didn’t get to sleep that night. With their wedding the next day, Peyton spent the evening pacing the apartment, walking into my room to ask me if I was sure that she should leave her hair down, or if lipstick would be too much. Once the clock hit four in the morning, I gave up and got out of bed, joining her in the living to drink some coffee and go over the plans for the day. I spent most of the morning talking her out of approaching panic attacks, and any free moments that I had were spent sending text messages to Sidney to let him know that Peyton hadn’t completely lost her mind yet.
I could hardly believe it when I finally found myself waiting at the altar, watching Kris’ nervous face as the doors at the end of the church were pulled open and Peyton emerged, every one of the guests standing up and staring at her in awe. I had always known that Peyton was beautiful, and I had also secretly resented her for that fact, but the way her entire face glowed as she made her down the aisle to stand beside Kris was a whole different level of beauty. Even glancing over at Kris, who was fighting back the tears that were welling in his eyes at he looked at her, I was taken aback by how beautiful the two of them looked. Kris had even gone out and cut his hair for the big day.
“Did you cry?” Sidney asked me, taking a sip of his juice as we watched Kris and Peyton take their first dance together.
I smirked at him. “I teared up a bit, but I didn’t actually cry. You?”
“Me?” He scoffed, “Hanna, I’m a man. We only cry over two things; Football and baby girls.” He frowned, scratching the back of his neck before quickly adding, “Our own baby girls, I mean. We don’t just cry when we see a little girl or anything, I mean-”
“I know what you mean,” I interrupted, laughing at him. “Do you have a daughter you haven’t told me about?” I asked jokingly, earning an eyebrow wag from him.
The DJ announced that other couples could join in on the dance floor, causing Sidney to promptly push his chair and extend a hand to me, a sly grin on his face.
I eyed his hand for a moment, moving my eyes back up to his face. “You want to dance? Are you drunk?”
He laughed, helping me up from my chair. “No, I’m just in the mood to dance. It is one of my best friend’s wedding, after all,” he reminded me, walking me out to the dance floor and wrapping his arms around me. “And you do look very lovely in that green dress,” he added, smiling at me.
I thanked him, glancing over at the other couples who had made their way out onto the floor. Jordan was already being asked to dance with some of Kris’ younger cousins, causing the giant to lean down and pick up one of the tiny girls, making her blush as he held her up so they could dance. “Kris and Peyton are married.”
Sidney nodded, his chin resting on top of my head. “It’s crazy, right?”
“I feel like just yesterday she was asking me how hockey worked, and now, she’s married to a hockey player,” I said, sighing. “Where does the time go?”
Sidney let out a small chuckle, lifting his chin off of my head so he could lean back and look at me. “I don’t know, baby.”
I looked over at Kris and Peyton, not able to contain the grin that broke out at the two of them as he spun Peyton around, laughing when she nearly tripped over the fabric of her dress. “This is a really beautiful wedding,” I said quietly, my eyes wondering around the room to take in all of the flowers, the candles, the white rose pedals scattered across part of the floor.
“Yeah,” Sidney agreed, his own eyes surveying the room before a smirk appeared across his face and he glanced down at me. “Ours will be nicer.”
I felt my eyes widen for a second before I looked up at him, a smirk appearing on my face as well. “Oh, you think you’re going to marry me, eh, Crosby?”
He let out a soft laugh, shrugging his shoulders. “Well, you know. I think it’d be nice.”
My own reply was interrupted by Peyton clearing her throat, smiling the two of us. “Mind if I cut in?” She asked.
I nodded, stepping away from Sidney. “Go for it, Mrs. Letang.”
Peyton rolled her eyes, swatting away Sidney’s hands. “Not with him, silly. I want to dance with my best friend. Is that okay, Sid?”
Sidney laughed. “As long as I don’t have to dance with Kris.”
“You want to dance with me?” I asked, almost pouting as Sidney walked back over to the table before I looked at her again, “That’s kind of odd.”
“Hanna, it is my wedding day. I can do odd things,” She frowned, “That was a bad choice of words.”
I grinned at her. “You’re someone’s wife now, Peyton. How does that feel?”
“I think you should ask me that in a month or so,” she answered, her free hand reaching up to play with one of her curls. “I feel kind of old, to be honest.”
“Old? Pey, you’re 23,” I reminded her, laughing.
Peyton smiled, her hand falling to her side. “I know. I just… I didn’t think I’d ever get married, so this is so odd for me. I always figured I’d be at your wedding before you’d be at mine, you know?”
I shrugged, my eyes moving just past her to see Kris talking with one of his friends, a grin still on his face. “Maybe. I think that when you find the one, it doesn’t really matter when you get married, you know? I mean, it’s fairly obvious that you’re meant to be with Kris, and you’ve got things figured out. You’re not worried it’s too soon, are you? Because, I hate to say it, but it’s a little too late.”
Peyton shook her head, the smiling returning to her face. “No, I’m not thinking that at all. I’m just surprised that someone can actually put up with me.”
I chuckled at her. “There’s someone out there for everyone, right?”
She shrugged, glancing back as Kris called her. “I guess. Have fun tonight, alright?” She said.
I nodded, “You too,” I added, winking at her and laughing as she groaned, turning around to try and spot Sidney again.
He was over by the cake table, not eating a piece, but talking quietly with my brother, Cameron. The two had finally met just a few months ago, and even though I was still worried that Cameron wouldn’t approve of my dating a hockey player, especially a hockey player that I had once dated and been dumped by, the two seemed to hit off. They went fishing together in the summer, and Cameron had flown out to see a few games throughout the season. The fact that Elizabeth approved of Sidney, and that little baby Alison had become Sidney’s favourite person in the entire world didn’t hurt, either.
I waited a moment before finally walking over to the two, making sure to make enough noise that they heard me and smiling at them as they turned to face me. “Sorry, I was just lonely.”
Cameron grinned at me. “No worries at all, Hanna. Sidney was just telling me about how he went on the Canucks for you,” he said, grinning at Sidney.
Sidney laughed. “Yeah, that’s totally what we were talking about,” he agreed, reaching an arm out to tug me closer to him. “Actually, Cameron was proposing that we come out and visit him and Liz sometime,” he told me, planting a kiss on my forehead.
“Oh really?” I asked, looking to Cameron. “You just want to brag about knowing Sidney Crosby.”
Cameron laughed. “That’s definitely my only motive,” he agreed. “You two should talk it over and let me know when you’re free.” He pointed a finger at me, his face growing serious, “But you won’t be sharing a room.”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes at him, nodding instead. “Understood. We will sleep in separate rooms.”
He nodded, glancing at Sidney, who was awkwardly looking anywhere but at Cameron. “Well, I should go find my wife, congratulate Peyton and head on home to put my little girl to bed,” he told me. “You have to come see her before Liz and I fly back home, Hanna. She’s gotten so big.”
I nodded, “I want to see her. Elizabeth told me that she’s talking now and it made me feel really out of the loop.”
Cameron nodded, reaching out to pat Sidney’s shoulder. “I’ll talk to the two of you later. Have a good night,” He said, leaning down to give me a hug before he headed off in search of his wife.
I let my head fall to rest against Sidney’s shoulder, yawning. “What time is it?”
“It’s only eight o’clock,” he said, laughing at my obvious fatigue. “You going to make it?”
I nodded, smiling up at him. “I’m sure a piece of cake will make me feel more energized,” I told him, moving away from his embrace to grab a piece off of the table.
Sidney sighed. “I miss cake.”
“You could have a piece. It’s not like it’ll kill you,” I reminded him, waving the plate in front of his face.
“I can’t. I ate a piece at the rehearsal dinner, and I only allow myself three pieces of cake a year.” He reminded me, watching the plate as I teased him with it.
“You’re just holding out in case there’s better cake somewhere down the line this year?” I asked, taking a bite of the cake.
He shrugged. “You never know.” He let out a long sigh. “You’re going to watch hockey with me tomorrow right? I fly out late in the night, so we could watch most of the Canucks versus the Sharks.”
I nodded, chewing on the bite of cake before answering, “Of course. I never pass up the chance to oggle at both Mason Raymond and Joe Thornton, Sid. You should know that by now.”
Sidney smiled, reaching out to pull me back towards him once more.
-----------------------------
“Hanna, come on, the game is starting!” Sidney yelled at me.
I groaned, pulling my hair up into a ponytail as I made my way out of my room and into the living room where Sidney was, sighing as I plopped down on the couch beside him. “It’s weird to be in here without Peyton,” I told him.
He nodded, moving his hand to brush my bangs out of my eyes. “I know. You’re going to get so lonely, way out here in Vancouver while everyone else is in Pittsburgh.” He shot me a look.
I shook my head at him. “Come on, Sid. You know how I feel about the living together thing. I don’t want to move everything into your place and then have us break-up, not that I think we’re going to break up.”
He sighed, nodding his head and pulling his blackberry out of his pocket. “I know, but that’s not going to stop me from bugging you about it,” he reminded me, glancing up from his phone to shoot me a smile before he texted something, shoving the phone back into his pocket. “I mean, it’s been two years now, and you finish your photography course in a month” he reminded me.
I reached a hand up to playfully thwack his nose, making him laugh. He hushed me before I could say anything back, pressing his fingers to my lips with a playful smirk .”Now, now, my buddy Roberto is being interviewed and I want to hear what he has to say. He might talk about me,” he pointed out.
“Wow, you just think everyone is talking about you, don’t you?” I asked, grinning at him as he shook his head at me, my attention falling back to the TV while Sidney squirmed a bit beside me, apologizing when I glanced at him.
Roberto Luongo appeared on screen alongside Dan Murphy, half dressed in his uniform, not wearing his actual jersey yet, and his green Canucks hat resting on his mess of curls. Just as Sidney has joked, he was asked about the game against the Penguins just two nights ago, admitting that he believe Sidney was going easy on him, too. “Ever since the Olympics, Sid has been more of a friend then a hockey rival,” he explained with a small smile. “He definitely had me beat at one point, but he passed it off to Kris Letang. I guess he was trying to help Tangers show off to his lady, since he was getting married the next night,” he joked.
“I love that people just can’t believe that sometimes you’re just off your game,” I muttered at Sidney, making him chuckle at me.
Dan Murphy brought up the possibility of a Canucks versus Penguins Cup final, making Luongo laugh. “That’s a long way away, that’s for sure, and we’ve got a lot of work to put in before we can even really think about the Playoffs. But, it would be interesting. I know Sid’s weaknesses, and he knows mine. It could make things interesting,” he admitted.
Dan Murphy went on a semi long speech about the Olympics, about the upcoming 2014 ones and whether Luongo thought he had a chance at earning the start in those competitions. His answer was drowned out by Sidney turning to me and asking, “What do you think of Kris and Peyton’s agreement?”
I looked away from the TV and back at him. “The wedding one?”
He laughed, “No. Their decision that if they got married out here, where all of Peyton’s family and friends were, she’d move to Pittsburgh without any complaints. What do you think of that?”
I shrugged. “I guess it’s fair. She’s leaving everything here to go and follow him around, right?” I asked, watching as Sidney nodded. “I mean, if she was going to make him play for the Canucks or move out of Pittsburgh, that would be ridiculous. Why? You disagree?”
He shook his head, his attention moving back to the TV. “No, I just hadn’t asked you about it and I was curious, that’s all.” His hand moved up to twirl a piece of my hair absentmindedly as he watched the last bit of Luongo’s interview.
I didn’t manage to catch whatever Dan Murphy had asked, but Luongo grinned, nodding his head. “I do talk to him, actually. I just talked to him, funny enough.” He bit his lip, turning his attention away from Dan Murphy and to the camera. “Actually, the best part of being kind of friends with a guy like Crosby is that he asks you for favours occasionally. I told him if he didn’t show me up in our game, I’d do this one little thing for him.” Luongo seemed to pause just for dramatic effect, long enough for me to frown as I realized that Sidney actually [I]had[/I] gone easy on the Canucks net minder, and that I was completely confused as to why he would do that.
I could see Sidney shift a bit out of the corner of my eye, but before I could fully move my attention from the TV to him, Luongo spoke again. “Sidney asked if I’d hold this up for him.” Luongo stepped off camera for a moment, leaving a grinning Dan Murphy before he re-appeared with a sign, winking at the camera. “Hanna, I hope you’re watching.” Without another second of hesitation, he flipped the sign over, leaving me to stare at the words [b]Hanna, will you marry me?[/b] written across it.
The camera cut back to the TSN studio, causing me to shake myself out of my shock and turn to Sidney, about to ask him whether I had just hallucinated or not.
My answer came in the form of Sidney holding out a velvet box with a ring in it, a nervous look on his face as he stared at me. “Hanna, I think I’ve been in love with you since that day, two years ago, when we first talked and you treated me like an actual person. I spent more time wondering it would be like to kiss you then I did working on my face-offs, or on my skating. I spent months agonizing over the best way to actually ask you out, and then you kissed me, and it just felt like everything in my life was okay.” He paused, swallowing hard before continuing. “I know that the start of our relationship had it’s hard times. When you moved out of Pittsburgh and back out here, and we weren’t really speaking, I felt like I had lost everything. I felt like I had lost my world and myself while you were gone, and, to be honest, when I’m out on the road and think about how you’re in a different country and so far away from me, I feel like I’m losing myself again. I don’t know who I am without you by my side, and I don’t want to know who I’d be without you. So, I guess what I’m trying to ask you is,” he stopped, taking in a deep breath before he asked, “Will you marry me?”
My eyes had been on his face the entire time, taking in every detail of his beautiful features as he spoke, every word that he had said sinking into my sink and becoming a part of me. I didn’t notice that I had actually done the typical girl thing and teared up until I blinked and one of the tears cascaded over the bottom of my eye and rolled gently down my cheeks, only making it halfway before Sidney’s free hand reached out to brush it away. I had to inhale deeply to find my voice, closing my eyes as I did so before opening them once more. “Yes.”
It was a simple answer, not nearly as breathtaking as his speech to me had been, but the way Sidney’s entire face seemed to lift up into this radiant joy was enough to let me know that I didn’t have to say anything more. He leaned in to kiss me, softly on the lips before his own lips moved up to my nose, and then to each cheek, then back to my lips. He moved back long enough to pull the ring out of the box, allowing me to actually get a look at it.
It was a beautiful ring, really. I didn’t know a lot about jewellery, but the thin silver band held one rather large diamond, along with two smaller ones, one on each side, and it was the most perfect piece of jewellery I had ever laid eyes on. He slid the ring onto my finger without a second thought before he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me towards him, pulling me into a kiss as the now empty box landed on the floor. He broke the kiss for a moment, apologizing to me as he grabbed his Blackberry once more, sending off another text and letting the phone drop to the ground as he leaned down to me again.
In the background, barely heard over the sound of my own heartbeat echoing in my head as Sidney planted kisses all over my face and I stared down at the ring on my hand, I heard Dan Murphy announce that Sidney Crosby was officially off the market, making me laugh. “I can’t believe how cheesy you are,” I mumbled to Sidney, making him stop his kissing parade and grin at me.
“That’s why you love me though, right? Because I’m cheesy and make you look good?”
I reached a hand up to run it through his dark hair before letting it rest against his cheek. I could only sigh, taking in his face once more. “I love you.”
He grinned, taking my hand and moving it to his mouth so he could kiss the palm of it. “I love you, too.”
Friday, September 24, 2010
Hey Readers!
I have two things to tell you. First off, thank you so much to all of you who read and commented on the Sidney story. It really meant a lot to me. I never expected there to be so many readers on here or on mibba(where the story currently has 932 readers. WHAT?!), and I thank you all so much for that.
Secondly, there is a new story in the works. I asked on my other account who everyone wanted to read about, and Kris Letang took the cake, so there's a Letang story that I'm working on. It's only part 3 for me, so it won't be up for another week or so, but if you're interested, keep your eyes peeled.
I'm sure all of you are just as excited for the season to start as I am, and I hope that school or work(or school and work) is going well for you. Take care of yourselves!
-Krista
Secondly, there is a new story in the works. I asked on my other account who everyone wanted to read about, and Kris Letang took the cake, so there's a Letang story that I'm working on. It's only part 3 for me, so it won't be up for another week or so, but if you're interested, keep your eyes peeled.
I'm sure all of you are just as excited for the season to start as I am, and I hope that school or work(or school and work) is going well for you. Take care of yourselves!
-Krista
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The End
I can't believe this story is over, but I'm also very relieved about it. Thank you everyone for following and reading! I might start another story, so if there's someone you're really hoping to read about, let me know!
-------------------
The Olympic gala was one of the most beautiful and intimidating thing I had ever been to.
Every Canadian hockey player from Team Canada was there, and every time I even so much as passed by one, I almost fell over from the shock of being so close to them.
And then there was the fact that the actual gala, the decorations, the entertainment, the guests, was absolutely breath taking. Every where I looked, there was a gleam of red, a shimmer of white and a touch of gold. I wanted to shake my head and tell myself that it was tacky, the constant colour all around the banquet room, but every time I turned my head and allowed my eyes to rest on some aspect of the room, I was right back to being completely mesmerized.
“Enjoying the gala?” A voice asked from behind me, causing me to turn around and meet Troy’s grinning face.
I smiled at him, giving a half shrug. “I guess. I’ll probably be happier when the food is out.”
Troy laughed, nodding his head as he took a quick glance around the room before he let his eyes fall back on me. “It’s good to see you again, Hanna. I’m glad you’re doing well.”
I tried to give him a sincere smile, completely aware of the fact that Sidney must have told him all about why we broke up, and nodded. “It’s nice to see you too, Troy. I swear you’ve gotten better looking since I saw you last.”
This only managed to get a smirk out of Troy before he excused himself, heading over to where Mike Babcock was so they could catch up, leaving me to take in another big breath of air and get lost in the banquet room again.
Peyton was off with Kris, just at the other end of the room, being introduced to all of the athletes he knew, or being used to introduce him to the ones he didn’t, and smiling politely at them all when they told her about how beautiful she was. I watched the two of them for a moment, noticing the way that Kris kept a hand firmly placed on the small of Peyton’s back as they walked around. How she would step forward to shake whoever’s hand, and then step back and rest against Kris once more. The way that everyone looked back and forth between the two of them and gave a soft smile, because they were just so adorable together that you couldn’t help but smile when you saw them, and I had to fight the urge to pout. If I had done what I was supposed to when I had first arrived in Pittsburgh, and focused more on the fact that there was still a lot of issues running around my head and not so much on what a babe Sidney was, it could have me that was being courted around the gala, with Sidney’s hand on the small of my back and jealous eyes on the two of us.
I let out a long sigh before I turned and looked around the room in search of Jordan or Max. Jordan was somewhere in the gathering of all the Staals, all of whom were being photographed, and all of whom were towering over the pint sized photographer taking the pictures. Max was heading across the room and towards the table of pictures from the Olympics, smiling at everyone he knew as he passed them.
I walked as fast as my legs would allow me to in my heels to try and catch up with him, apologizing when I bumped into some unsuspecting woman and caused her to spill a bit of her champagne. She only smiled back, telling me it was fine before she returned to talking to the man in front of her. I carried on towards Max, flipping my hair out of my way as I did so. “Talbot!”
Max stopped, turning around in search of whoever had called him and grinning at me when his eyes landed on me, lifting up a hand to wave at me. “Hanna! I thought you had left, I hadn’t seen you since we first arrived.”
“Well, that’s probably because as soon as we stepped through the doors, you were dragged off to be interviewed, Jordan’s mom made him head over and see his family, Kris is showing Peyton off to everyone he knows and I am…. Well, I’m alone.” I frowned, crossing my arms. “Now I made myself kind of sad.”
“You are so whiny,” Max groaned, reaching out put an arm around me so he could drag me beside him as he walked. “We bring you here, with all of these attractive people, and all you can do is whine because we left you all alone and didn’t introduce you to anyone? Hanna, be a little grateful. Enjoy the scenery.”
I let out a half laugh, pushing him away from me. “I’m sorry, Max. How dare I not love being completely ignored in a room full of gorgeous people?” I paused, lowering my voice to add, “And the women’s hockey team.”
Max laughed, covering my mouth as soon as I had said the last comment as he let his shoulders drop down so he could chuckle at me. “Oh, Hanna. Come on, we’ll head over to where Sidney is, having his picture taken by all of the adoring fans.”
“A usual day for Mr. Crosby,” I joked, tugging at the straps of my dress as we neared the mass pile of people surrounding Sidney.
I had to stop a moment, causing Max to turn around and frown at me. The sight of Sidney surrounded by the media, the way that I couldn’t see him at all because of it, it brought me right back to the first day I ever met him. Back to when Matt Cooke was throwing chunks of gum at him and Jordan was struggling to remember Peyton’s name. I had give me head a small shake before I met Max’s curious gaze and gave him a half smile. “Sorry. I’m having flashbacks.”
He nodded, seeming to understand what I was meaning. “Ah, back when Sidney Crosby was just Sidney Crosby, and I was just an attractive French man.”
I smirked at him. “I don’t remember that last part, but, basically, yes.” I reached up to make sure my hair was okay before I gave Max a nervous glance. “How long will they be talking to him for?”
Max shrugged, glancing over one of the reporters in front of him to peer over at Sidney before turning back to look at me. “It looks like he’s almost done. They’re asking him what his plans for the summer are, which is usually he end question.”
I nodded, letting my hands smooth out the fabric of the dress I was wearing as I watched the gathering of cameras, microphones and reporters thanked Sidney, still jotting down a few notes on their notepads as they headed off towards the other players and coaches. Sidney let out a small sigh, reaching a hand up to adjust the tie he was wearing, loosening it a bit, before he turned around to see where Max and I were, clearly surprised to see us.
“Hey. I didn’t know you guys were here already,” he said, smiling at us. “How has the gala been so far?”
Max shrugged. “Fine. I wish there was more to eat, but it’s very pretty.”
Sidney smirked at him, giving his head a small shake before he looked over at me. “How about you, Hanna? Enjoying yourself?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. Everyone abandoned me when we first got here, but now that I’ve found everyone, it’s becoming more enjoyable.”
He nodded, his eyes moving past me and towards someone else for a moment before they returned to me. “So, things are looking up for you now, aren’t they?”
I let out a soft laugh. “I guess so. I mean, having a job I actually like is certainly a bonus.”
“A job? Hanna, you’re working side by side with the Canucks main photographer. This is the first step to getting a career,” Sidney corrected. “It’s going to be really good for you.”
I gave him a half smile. “Well, when you put it that way…” I trailed off, making Sidney chuckle lightly. “Things are getting better, though. I should have taken the time to try and sort myself out as soon as I was out of high school.”
“And you want to do some more counselling?” He asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. I guess there was more going on inside of my head then I thought,” I joked, making Sidney smile at me a bit. I looked away from him for a moment, taking the break from eye contact to take in a big breath of air. “What about you? What’s new with you?”
He was looking past me again at someone I couldn’t see, but his eyes moved back to me as soon as I had asked the question. He sighed, seeming to need a few seconds to think about before finally answering, “Not much. My mind has mainly been occupied with interviews and endorsement shoots. I feel like I haven’t even had time to sleep, actually,” he said, letting out a soft laugh. “Summer’s don’t feel like summer anymore.”
I fought the urge to reach out and pull him into a hug, choosing instead to give him a sympathetic smile, nearly jumping out of my skin when someone shouted, “Sidney!” from behind me.
Sidney’s eyes seemed to widen for a brief moment before he grinned, stretching out a hand to the approaching man and grinning. “Good to see you, Rick. I’m glad you make it out.”
Rick Bowness, the assistant coach of the Vancouver Canucks, grinned at Sidney, shaking his hand. “Glad I was invited.” He glanced behind Sidney at the giant mural of stills from his game winning goal, “the golden goal” as most called it, and laughed. “This certainly is the Sidney Crosby show here, though, isn’t it?”
Sidney smiled, that look that I had seen flash across his face so many times before when praise thrown at him and he felt it was undeserved had settled over his features again. “Is your wife here?” He asked.
Rick nodded, his attention moving to me for a moment before he glanced back at Sidney, seeming to wait for some kind of a signal before turning back to me. “Hi, I don’t believe we’ve met yet. I’m Rick.”
I smiled. Shaking his hand. “I’m Hanna. It’s so nice to meet you. I’m a huge fan of the Canucks.”
He nodded, grinning a bit. “You don’t happen to be Hanna Ashton, do you?”
I nodded, smiling a bit. “I just so happen to be actually.”
Rick continued to grin. “I’m glad to finally meet you. Sidney had a lot of great things to say about you when I was visiting with him back in Halifax. The boy thinks you’ve got the potential to be the next Anne Geddes.”
I frowned, looking at Sidney. “You think I could one day take scandalous photos of Miley Cyrus?”
Sidney laughed, shaking his head at me as Rick Bowness chuckled beside me. “I’m excited to see you around taking pictures, Ms. Ashton,” Rick told me. “But, if you’ll excuse me, I’m hoping to catch up to Roberto before it’s his turn to be hounded by the media.” He waved at me, wishing Sidney luck with the rest of the night before he headed off into the crowd.
I watched him walk away before I turned back to Sidney, taking a step closer to him. “You did that? You’re the one who showed my pictures to Bowness and got me this… whatever this is?”
“I just showed them some of your pictures. They were sitting on my living room table when he and his wife dropped by. I told you, he lives right by me in Halifax, and we have dinner together a few times every summer. He saw them and asked who the photographer was. I just told him about you, said you were really talented, and he asked if you’d be interested in a job.”
“Why did Max and Jordan tell me? I thought one of them was behind it, or that it was Vero.” I frowned, looking back up at him. “And how did you have some of my pictures?”
He sighed, “Marc and Vero would always ask you for copies and then give them to me. I wanted to see how good you were, since everyone kept telling me you were so amazing at photography. And, the Max and Jordan thing? I just… you and I weren’t really talking, and I was still really confused about everything that happened. I didn’t want to end up saying something I’d regret to you.”
I studied his face for a moment before asking, “Why did you do that for me? I go all crazy on you and ruin our relationship, and you get me an internship.” I paused, smirking at him. “Oh, I get it. You’re keeping me in Vancouver and out of Pittsburgh.”
He laughed, “Yes, that’s exactly why I did it. To make sure you’re not around anymore,” he rolled his eyes. “I did it because you deserve it. Hanna, I don’t know why you don’t see this in yourself, but after everything you’ve been through, losing someone so close to you, having your family fall apart, you’re so strong. And you’re so selfless. You pushed aside your own problems to take care of me, and I don’t even think you were aware that you were doing so. You’ve spent so long trying to find out who you are and what you love to do, who you want to be, and you came back from that family visit with all those answers. Photography, Hanna? That’s what you love. I don’t know how you just ignored it for the last few years, but when I see those pictures you’ve taken, I feel like I was there when you took them. And that trip always made you start thinking about life differently, about what you still needed out of it.” He paused, licking his lips before he added, his voice a bit softer, “Maybe I’m not a part of wherever you’re going, and that’s okay. But I couldn’t let you take all of these steps, go and get help for yourself, and then hear that you weren’t doing anything with photography. When Rick asked about those pictures, I had to make sure he knew how amazing you were. Because you are. You’re amazing.”
I didn’t even know what to say to him after all of that. I tried to think of something to say back, but every time I opened my mouth nothing except a few squeak came out. Sidney was looking at me for a minute, but after I offered nothing except silence, he sighed, looking away from me and over at all of the people mingling around. I was actually surprised that no one had come over to interrupt us yet.
Without meaning too, my eyes shot over to where Kris and Peyton were, once again looking over at the way the two of them just seemed to mould together when they stood side by side, and how Kris seemed anxious to tell everyone who was willing to listen that Peyton was his girlfriend.
I glanced back at Sidney, following where his eyes were and noticing that he, too, was watching Kris and Peyton, with the same glint of jealousy in his eyes that I was sure had been in mine seconds before.
There was some kind of an announcement being made over the speakers, something about the athletes being needed at the stage set up in the centre of the room. Sidney let out a long sigh, reaching up to scratch his neck before he mumbled, “I guess I have to head over there.” He glanced back down at me. “I’m glad you came, Hanna.”
I nodded, watching as he started to make his way over to where the rest of the players were gathering. He had gotten a few steps when I jolted forwards and grabbed his arm, turning him around and seeming to catch him by surprise. “Sidney,” I said, making him pause and turn himself around to fully face me. He waited, looking down at me as he waited to hear what I was going to say.
I let go of his arm and bit my lip. “I actually have no idea what I was going to say to you. I just didn’t want you to leave.”
Sidney’s mouth turned itself up into a soft smile. He lifted his hand up to cup the side of my face, surprising me before he leaned down to softly tell me, “I’m right here, Hanna.”
I sighed. “I don’t mean leave here I mean-”
“I know what you mean,” he interrupted, his thumb stroking my cheek.
“I know that I was really stupid and I ruined everything, but after spending these last couple of months just having ‘me’ time and working on dealing with my problems, I realized that there’s really no point in making myself more awesome if I don’t have someone equally awesome to share it with,” I explained.
Sidney tilted his head to the side. “Now that’s just silly. My level of awesome is far superior to yours,” he reminded me.
I managed to peer over his shoulder enough to notice that almost all of the other players were up on stage. “I guess you have a job to go do, again.”
“I guess so.” He let his hand drop from my face. “Where are you sitting?”
“Wherever Max and Kris are, I guess,” I answered. “Why?”
He gave me a small shrug. “I just want to know where to look when I have to give my speech.” He grinned at me, turning and heading towards the stage.
Max and Jordan were both smirking at me when I slid into my seat, making me sigh. “What?”
“Nothing, that was just… that was beautiful,” Max told me.
“I almost wish a mic had been there so I could have heard the sound of your heart melting when he gazed into your eyes,” Jordan said.
I ignored both of them, looking up at the stage as Mike Babcock introduced himself to everyone. Peyton nudged me, making me glance over at her. “So, are you and Sidney-”
“Sidanna,” Jordan whispered.
“Hanney,” Max whispered afterwards, making both Peyton and I sigh at them.
“Are you two back on?” Peyton asked.
I glanced back up at the stage, managing to catch Sidney’s eyes looking back at me as I shrugged. “Well, he practically begged me so, I agreed to give it another shot,” I joked.
Peyton shook her head at me. “I don’t know why it didn’t work out the first time when you’re so sweet and thoughtful.”
I grinned at her, my eyes moving back up to the stage and meeting Sidney’s once more.
-------------------
The Olympic gala was one of the most beautiful and intimidating thing I had ever been to.
Every Canadian hockey player from Team Canada was there, and every time I even so much as passed by one, I almost fell over from the shock of being so close to them.
And then there was the fact that the actual gala, the decorations, the entertainment, the guests, was absolutely breath taking. Every where I looked, there was a gleam of red, a shimmer of white and a touch of gold. I wanted to shake my head and tell myself that it was tacky, the constant colour all around the banquet room, but every time I turned my head and allowed my eyes to rest on some aspect of the room, I was right back to being completely mesmerized.
“Enjoying the gala?” A voice asked from behind me, causing me to turn around and meet Troy’s grinning face.
I smiled at him, giving a half shrug. “I guess. I’ll probably be happier when the food is out.”
Troy laughed, nodding his head as he took a quick glance around the room before he let his eyes fall back on me. “It’s good to see you again, Hanna. I’m glad you’re doing well.”
I tried to give him a sincere smile, completely aware of the fact that Sidney must have told him all about why we broke up, and nodded. “It’s nice to see you too, Troy. I swear you’ve gotten better looking since I saw you last.”
This only managed to get a smirk out of Troy before he excused himself, heading over to where Mike Babcock was so they could catch up, leaving me to take in another big breath of air and get lost in the banquet room again.
Peyton was off with Kris, just at the other end of the room, being introduced to all of the athletes he knew, or being used to introduce him to the ones he didn’t, and smiling politely at them all when they told her about how beautiful she was. I watched the two of them for a moment, noticing the way that Kris kept a hand firmly placed on the small of Peyton’s back as they walked around. How she would step forward to shake whoever’s hand, and then step back and rest against Kris once more. The way that everyone looked back and forth between the two of them and gave a soft smile, because they were just so adorable together that you couldn’t help but smile when you saw them, and I had to fight the urge to pout. If I had done what I was supposed to when I had first arrived in Pittsburgh, and focused more on the fact that there was still a lot of issues running around my head and not so much on what a babe Sidney was, it could have me that was being courted around the gala, with Sidney’s hand on the small of my back and jealous eyes on the two of us.
I let out a long sigh before I turned and looked around the room in search of Jordan or Max. Jordan was somewhere in the gathering of all the Staals, all of whom were being photographed, and all of whom were towering over the pint sized photographer taking the pictures. Max was heading across the room and towards the table of pictures from the Olympics, smiling at everyone he knew as he passed them.
I walked as fast as my legs would allow me to in my heels to try and catch up with him, apologizing when I bumped into some unsuspecting woman and caused her to spill a bit of her champagne. She only smiled back, telling me it was fine before she returned to talking to the man in front of her. I carried on towards Max, flipping my hair out of my way as I did so. “Talbot!”
Max stopped, turning around in search of whoever had called him and grinning at me when his eyes landed on me, lifting up a hand to wave at me. “Hanna! I thought you had left, I hadn’t seen you since we first arrived.”
“Well, that’s probably because as soon as we stepped through the doors, you were dragged off to be interviewed, Jordan’s mom made him head over and see his family, Kris is showing Peyton off to everyone he knows and I am…. Well, I’m alone.” I frowned, crossing my arms. “Now I made myself kind of sad.”
“You are so whiny,” Max groaned, reaching out put an arm around me so he could drag me beside him as he walked. “We bring you here, with all of these attractive people, and all you can do is whine because we left you all alone and didn’t introduce you to anyone? Hanna, be a little grateful. Enjoy the scenery.”
I let out a half laugh, pushing him away from me. “I’m sorry, Max. How dare I not love being completely ignored in a room full of gorgeous people?” I paused, lowering my voice to add, “And the women’s hockey team.”
Max laughed, covering my mouth as soon as I had said the last comment as he let his shoulders drop down so he could chuckle at me. “Oh, Hanna. Come on, we’ll head over to where Sidney is, having his picture taken by all of the adoring fans.”
“A usual day for Mr. Crosby,” I joked, tugging at the straps of my dress as we neared the mass pile of people surrounding Sidney.
I had to stop a moment, causing Max to turn around and frown at me. The sight of Sidney surrounded by the media, the way that I couldn’t see him at all because of it, it brought me right back to the first day I ever met him. Back to when Matt Cooke was throwing chunks of gum at him and Jordan was struggling to remember Peyton’s name. I had give me head a small shake before I met Max’s curious gaze and gave him a half smile. “Sorry. I’m having flashbacks.”
He nodded, seeming to understand what I was meaning. “Ah, back when Sidney Crosby was just Sidney Crosby, and I was just an attractive French man.”
I smirked at him. “I don’t remember that last part, but, basically, yes.” I reached up to make sure my hair was okay before I gave Max a nervous glance. “How long will they be talking to him for?”
Max shrugged, glancing over one of the reporters in front of him to peer over at Sidney before turning back to look at me. “It looks like he’s almost done. They’re asking him what his plans for the summer are, which is usually he end question.”
I nodded, letting my hands smooth out the fabric of the dress I was wearing as I watched the gathering of cameras, microphones and reporters thanked Sidney, still jotting down a few notes on their notepads as they headed off towards the other players and coaches. Sidney let out a small sigh, reaching a hand up to adjust the tie he was wearing, loosening it a bit, before he turned around to see where Max and I were, clearly surprised to see us.
“Hey. I didn’t know you guys were here already,” he said, smiling at us. “How has the gala been so far?”
Max shrugged. “Fine. I wish there was more to eat, but it’s very pretty.”
Sidney smirked at him, giving his head a small shake before he looked over at me. “How about you, Hanna? Enjoying yourself?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. Everyone abandoned me when we first got here, but now that I’ve found everyone, it’s becoming more enjoyable.”
He nodded, his eyes moving past me and towards someone else for a moment before they returned to me. “So, things are looking up for you now, aren’t they?”
I let out a soft laugh. “I guess so. I mean, having a job I actually like is certainly a bonus.”
“A job? Hanna, you’re working side by side with the Canucks main photographer. This is the first step to getting a career,” Sidney corrected. “It’s going to be really good for you.”
I gave him a half smile. “Well, when you put it that way…” I trailed off, making Sidney chuckle lightly. “Things are getting better, though. I should have taken the time to try and sort myself out as soon as I was out of high school.”
“And you want to do some more counselling?” He asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. I guess there was more going on inside of my head then I thought,” I joked, making Sidney smile at me a bit. I looked away from him for a moment, taking the break from eye contact to take in a big breath of air. “What about you? What’s new with you?”
He was looking past me again at someone I couldn’t see, but his eyes moved back to me as soon as I had asked the question. He sighed, seeming to need a few seconds to think about before finally answering, “Not much. My mind has mainly been occupied with interviews and endorsement shoots. I feel like I haven’t even had time to sleep, actually,” he said, letting out a soft laugh. “Summer’s don’t feel like summer anymore.”
I fought the urge to reach out and pull him into a hug, choosing instead to give him a sympathetic smile, nearly jumping out of my skin when someone shouted, “Sidney!” from behind me.
Sidney’s eyes seemed to widen for a brief moment before he grinned, stretching out a hand to the approaching man and grinning. “Good to see you, Rick. I’m glad you make it out.”
Rick Bowness, the assistant coach of the Vancouver Canucks, grinned at Sidney, shaking his hand. “Glad I was invited.” He glanced behind Sidney at the giant mural of stills from his game winning goal, “the golden goal” as most called it, and laughed. “This certainly is the Sidney Crosby show here, though, isn’t it?”
Sidney smiled, that look that I had seen flash across his face so many times before when praise thrown at him and he felt it was undeserved had settled over his features again. “Is your wife here?” He asked.
Rick nodded, his attention moving to me for a moment before he glanced back at Sidney, seeming to wait for some kind of a signal before turning back to me. “Hi, I don’t believe we’ve met yet. I’m Rick.”
I smiled. Shaking his hand. “I’m Hanna. It’s so nice to meet you. I’m a huge fan of the Canucks.”
He nodded, grinning a bit. “You don’t happen to be Hanna Ashton, do you?”
I nodded, smiling a bit. “I just so happen to be actually.”
Rick continued to grin. “I’m glad to finally meet you. Sidney had a lot of great things to say about you when I was visiting with him back in Halifax. The boy thinks you’ve got the potential to be the next Anne Geddes.”
I frowned, looking at Sidney. “You think I could one day take scandalous photos of Miley Cyrus?”
Sidney laughed, shaking his head at me as Rick Bowness chuckled beside me. “I’m excited to see you around taking pictures, Ms. Ashton,” Rick told me. “But, if you’ll excuse me, I’m hoping to catch up to Roberto before it’s his turn to be hounded by the media.” He waved at me, wishing Sidney luck with the rest of the night before he headed off into the crowd.
I watched him walk away before I turned back to Sidney, taking a step closer to him. “You did that? You’re the one who showed my pictures to Bowness and got me this… whatever this is?”
“I just showed them some of your pictures. They were sitting on my living room table when he and his wife dropped by. I told you, he lives right by me in Halifax, and we have dinner together a few times every summer. He saw them and asked who the photographer was. I just told him about you, said you were really talented, and he asked if you’d be interested in a job.”
“Why did Max and Jordan tell me? I thought one of them was behind it, or that it was Vero.” I frowned, looking back up at him. “And how did you have some of my pictures?”
He sighed, “Marc and Vero would always ask you for copies and then give them to me. I wanted to see how good you were, since everyone kept telling me you were so amazing at photography. And, the Max and Jordan thing? I just… you and I weren’t really talking, and I was still really confused about everything that happened. I didn’t want to end up saying something I’d regret to you.”
I studied his face for a moment before asking, “Why did you do that for me? I go all crazy on you and ruin our relationship, and you get me an internship.” I paused, smirking at him. “Oh, I get it. You’re keeping me in Vancouver and out of Pittsburgh.”
He laughed, “Yes, that’s exactly why I did it. To make sure you’re not around anymore,” he rolled his eyes. “I did it because you deserve it. Hanna, I don’t know why you don’t see this in yourself, but after everything you’ve been through, losing someone so close to you, having your family fall apart, you’re so strong. And you’re so selfless. You pushed aside your own problems to take care of me, and I don’t even think you were aware that you were doing so. You’ve spent so long trying to find out who you are and what you love to do, who you want to be, and you came back from that family visit with all those answers. Photography, Hanna? That’s what you love. I don’t know how you just ignored it for the last few years, but when I see those pictures you’ve taken, I feel like I was there when you took them. And that trip always made you start thinking about life differently, about what you still needed out of it.” He paused, licking his lips before he added, his voice a bit softer, “Maybe I’m not a part of wherever you’re going, and that’s okay. But I couldn’t let you take all of these steps, go and get help for yourself, and then hear that you weren’t doing anything with photography. When Rick asked about those pictures, I had to make sure he knew how amazing you were. Because you are. You’re amazing.”
I didn’t even know what to say to him after all of that. I tried to think of something to say back, but every time I opened my mouth nothing except a few squeak came out. Sidney was looking at me for a minute, but after I offered nothing except silence, he sighed, looking away from me and over at all of the people mingling around. I was actually surprised that no one had come over to interrupt us yet.
Without meaning too, my eyes shot over to where Kris and Peyton were, once again looking over at the way the two of them just seemed to mould together when they stood side by side, and how Kris seemed anxious to tell everyone who was willing to listen that Peyton was his girlfriend.
I glanced back at Sidney, following where his eyes were and noticing that he, too, was watching Kris and Peyton, with the same glint of jealousy in his eyes that I was sure had been in mine seconds before.
There was some kind of an announcement being made over the speakers, something about the athletes being needed at the stage set up in the centre of the room. Sidney let out a long sigh, reaching up to scratch his neck before he mumbled, “I guess I have to head over there.” He glanced back down at me. “I’m glad you came, Hanna.”
I nodded, watching as he started to make his way over to where the rest of the players were gathering. He had gotten a few steps when I jolted forwards and grabbed his arm, turning him around and seeming to catch him by surprise. “Sidney,” I said, making him pause and turn himself around to fully face me. He waited, looking down at me as he waited to hear what I was going to say.
I let go of his arm and bit my lip. “I actually have no idea what I was going to say to you. I just didn’t want you to leave.”
Sidney’s mouth turned itself up into a soft smile. He lifted his hand up to cup the side of my face, surprising me before he leaned down to softly tell me, “I’m right here, Hanna.”
I sighed. “I don’t mean leave here I mean-”
“I know what you mean,” he interrupted, his thumb stroking my cheek.
“I know that I was really stupid and I ruined everything, but after spending these last couple of months just having ‘me’ time and working on dealing with my problems, I realized that there’s really no point in making myself more awesome if I don’t have someone equally awesome to share it with,” I explained.
Sidney tilted his head to the side. “Now that’s just silly. My level of awesome is far superior to yours,” he reminded me.
I managed to peer over his shoulder enough to notice that almost all of the other players were up on stage. “I guess you have a job to go do, again.”
“I guess so.” He let his hand drop from my face. “Where are you sitting?”
“Wherever Max and Kris are, I guess,” I answered. “Why?”
He gave me a small shrug. “I just want to know where to look when I have to give my speech.” He grinned at me, turning and heading towards the stage.
Max and Jordan were both smirking at me when I slid into my seat, making me sigh. “What?”
“Nothing, that was just… that was beautiful,” Max told me.
“I almost wish a mic had been there so I could have heard the sound of your heart melting when he gazed into your eyes,” Jordan said.
I ignored both of them, looking up at the stage as Mike Babcock introduced himself to everyone. Peyton nudged me, making me glance over at her. “So, are you and Sidney-”
“Sidanna,” Jordan whispered.
“Hanney,” Max whispered afterwards, making both Peyton and I sigh at them.
“Are you two back on?” Peyton asked.
I glanced back up at the stage, managing to catch Sidney’s eyes looking back at me as I shrugged. “Well, he practically begged me so, I agreed to give it another shot,” I joked.
Peyton shook her head at me. “I don’t know why it didn’t work out the first time when you’re so sweet and thoughtful.”
I grinned at her, my eyes moving back up to the stage and meeting Sidney’s once more.
Monday, August 2, 2010
I Miss That
“Hanna stop pacing,” Peyton whined, reaching out to grab my arm and hauling me down to the couch beside her. “It’s not going to help you calm down or give you and idea of what Sidney has to say. All you’re doing is pissing me off.”
I frowned at her. “Well, sorry, Peyton. I’m sorry that my extreme nerves are bothering you, jerk. Oh, and I’m fine, thanks for asking.”
She laughed. “Hanna, seriously, do you think Sid would come all the way out here to say something mean to you? The guy won’t even trash talk other hockey players, Hanna?”
“Okay, that’s a valid point,” I agreed. “But it doesn’t make me any less nervous.” I lifted my hand up and scratched the back of my head quickly before I moved to the end of my seat. “How’s my hair?”
Peyton rolled her eyes. “Hanna, calm down. He probably won’t even be here for another-”
“Was that a knock?” I asked, cutting off her sentence.
“What? No, it was me talking, asshole,” she answered, standing up from the couch and making her way out of the living room and towards her own room, stopping when the sound of someone knock on our door was heard. “Oh. Maybe you did hear someone knocking,” she muttered, shooting me an apologetic smile. “I’ll be in my room, so you two will have your privacy.”
“I don’t know if I want privacy,” I admitted, standing up and slowly edging my way towards the door.
“Hanna, he clearly just wants to talk to you, and I have to call Kris and double check on dinner plans, anyways. You’ll be fine. You’ve talked to Sidney a million times.” She reminded me.
“That was different,” I began, stopping when there was another knock on the door before continuing, “I hadn’t slept with him, let him buy a house for us to live in and then admit that I was still a complete mess and needed some time.”
Peyton rolled her eyes again. “Hanna, stop being so dramatic and answer the damn door, okay?” She didn’t wait to see what I was going to say, already turning and making her way into her room before she had even gotten the last word out.
I had to take in a deep breath of air, reminding myself to let it out before I took the last few steps towards the door and pulled it open, staring up at Sidney. “You get taller every time I see you.”
He smiled, both of his hands in his pockets as he looked down at me. “I wish that were true.” He continued to looking at me, his eyes occasionally moving away from my face and towards the apartment behind me before he let out a soft laugh. “Are you going to let me in?”
I felt my face blush, stepping aside so he could enter the apartment watching as he slid his flip flops off and headed into the living room, waiting for me to join him before he sat down on the very edge of the beaten up arm chair, sitting with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands together. “How are you?” He asked me, his voice soft.
I shrugged, sitting with one leg curled beneath me so I could play the threads of my sock. “Good. I moved back in a couple of days ago, right after my counselling was done in Pittsburgh. I’m actually thinking about signing up for some more, since the therapist I had back there mainly talked about my family. Alissa was just kind of a background topic, and even though I see why he did that, I still feel like I need to talk more about the impact of her death a little more.” I lifted my eyes up to look at him, immediately intimidated by his gaze and looking back down at my lap. “What about you?”
I heard him sigh before he actually answered. “I’ve been busy. My workout schedule takes up most of my time. I don’t want to fall out of shape in the off season, so I’m pretty hard on myself during the summer.”
There was a long pause, and as much as I wanted to look up at him, I just couldn’t seem to bring myself to do so. I knew that Sidney didn’t hate me, even though there was a voice in my head telling me that he did, but I was still dealing with a lot of guilt over how things had ended, and every time I looked up and saw him looking back at me, it only seemed to intensify the guilt and the loneliness I had thrown onto myself.
Sidney eventually continued, clearly realizing that I wasn’t going to give in and meet his gaze. He told me about the interview’s he’d done, about how fatigued he was from the constant flying back and forth to make appearances that he had agreed to months ago. He told me about how his mom had made him help his dad remodel the kitchen, and about how the person he had spent the most time with was his agent and other coaches who had been at certain events that he had also been asked to show up too.
I finally lifted my head back up, relieved to see that Sidney was now looking down at the floor, not at me anymore, and debated whether I wanted to ask the question or not, before I finally just asked, “What happened to the house you bought?”
Sidney seemed to freeze, despite the fact that he wasn’t really moving to start with. His fingers, which he had been lightly tapping together, stopped, and his body to seem to jolt into a freeze frame. He didn’t say anything for a moment, and I was beginning to think that he wasn’t even going to answer, before he lifted his head up to look at me, letting me see the way his face had adapted this look that I didn’t even recognize, and answered, “I haven’t been to it since the day we… since you left.”
I sucked in my lower lip, giving a small nod and letting my eyes fall away from him again. “I’m sorry, Sidney.”
He didn’t reply to the apology, even though I managed to catch a glimpse of his face after I had issued the apology, which let me know that he had heard it. Instead he let out another loud sigh and leaned back a bit. “So, I hear your taking pictures now?”
“Yeah. Jory, the Canucks photographer, he’s taking me on as an assistant slash apprentice. He’s an interesting guy,” I answered, letting out a small laugh.
Sidney nodded, his focus on the window behind me. “I forgot how much I loved Vancouver,” he said, standing up from the couch and walking over to the window so he could look out it. “I can’t get over the mountains, or even the way the air feels different. Do you know what I mean?” He asked, turning around to glance at me. “Did you notice it when you came back from Pittsburgh, the way the air feels, I don’t know, heavier? But in the best way.”
I smiled, shaking my head, no. “I did not notice that. I missed the mountains, but I miss Pittsburgh a lot, actually. It’s beautiful out here, but Pittsburgh really felt like home for those six or so months that I was there.”
Sidney turned away from the window to look at me once more, taking a moment to study my face. He had caught my gaze when he turned around, and now that he had it, he held it, making sure that I was actually looking at him. “I’m glad you’re getting help, Hanna. You don’t deserve to hurt anymore.” He seemed to glance past me and at the clock hanging on the kitchen wall before he took a few steps back into the living room, Sidney’s subtle way of showing you that he had to leave. “And I’m really glad that you’re finding your passion. I didn’t even know that you were into photography.”
I gave him a soft smile, standing up from the couch but staying a few feet away from him. “I didn’t think I ever had a chance with it, honestly. It wasn’t until Elizabeth and Cameron bought me that camera that I remembered how much I loved it.”
He nodded, letting out an awkward laugh. “Yeah, when I heard that you were doing those headshots for Vero, I was really surprised. But, in a good way.” He glanced at the clock again before he looked back at me. “Are you coming with Peyton?”
I frowned, “Where is Peyton going?”
He smiled. “She didn’t tell you? The Olympic gala I’m going to, I’m actually leaving for it tonight, some of the team is coming with me. Kris, Max, Jordan and Tyler are all going, and obviously Kris is bringing Peyton. I got her an extra ticket for you, but I guess she didn’t tell you about it.”
I laughed, “She probably didn’t want to say anything in case you and I didn’t have a good talk today.”
He smirked at me, seeming to understand. “Well, I know this was a short visit, but I just…” he shrugged, looking down at the floor for a moment, seeming to try and find the words to finish his sentence before he looked back up at me. “I miss you, Hanna. And I wanted to make sure you were okay, that you were dealing with everything. I know things didn’t end well, and it will take some time before we’re less uncomfortable around each other, but, I really want to be friends again. I found that picture of you, Staalsy and I in the photo booth, and I miss that, you know?”
I had to take a moment to try and figure out what he was talking about before I laughed. “Oh yeah. The first day we ever spent any time together,” I remembered, smiling. “I miss that too.”
Sidney looked at me for another moment before he turned his gaze away from me and started making his way towards the door. “Well, I told Luongo I’d met him at GM Place in about two hours, and I still have to swing by Rick Bowness’ place and say hi.”
I frowned, “You know Rick Bowness?”
Sidney was already at the door, putting his flip flops on and tugging his car keys out of his pocket. “Yeah, he lives across the lake from me in Halifax. We go fishing together once in awhile, and his wife invites me over for dinner every so often.” He grinned, “He won’t tell me how to beat Luongo, though, the bastard.”
I laughed. “I didn’t know that. This whole time you’ve had an in to helping me meet the Canucks and you didn’t even tell me.”
Sidney just shrugged, his hand on the door handle as he looked over at me before giving me a small smile. “Bye, Hanna.”
I waved to him, falling backwards onto the couch as soon as he was out the door and groaning into my hands. I was going to be spending another evening with him now that he had invited me to the Olympic gala banquet, and even though I was grateful that he still wanted to be friends, I couldn’t get over how awkward this brief talk had been.
“Well, you’re not crying. That’s good,” Peyton said, startling me a bit.
I sat up, frowning at her. “Why didn’t you tell me about the Olympic gala?”
Peyton made a face, “Oh, right. So, there’s this Olympic gala tomorrow night in Alberta-”
“Yeah, I know. Sidney asked me if I was going and then had to awkwardly explain to me that he had given my best friend a ticket for me, and said best friend didn’t tell me!” I reminded her, grabbing a pillow from off of the couch and chucking it at her.
Peyton ducked, avoiding the pillow. “Yes, throw things at me. That will urge me to hand you the ticket and say, ‘hey, Hanna, why don’t you and I sit side by side on an airplane for two or so hours and hang out!’”
“Please, you’ll sit with Kris and stick me with Max,” I said.
Peyton laughed, “I totally would do that, you’re right.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “So, you want to go?”
“Well, I can’t not go after Sidney came and invited me,” I mumbled, falling back onto the couch. “What am I going to wear?”
“We’ll buy you a dress!”
I frowned, sitting back up and staring over at where Peyton was, utterly confused as to how Max, Jordan and Kris had ended up behind her. “How did you guys-”
“Right, funny story,” Peyton began, causing Jordan to burst into laughter, which caused the rest of us to turn and look at him. He stopped, giving an embarrassed smile. “Sorry, I thought laughing would make the explanation funnier, but I guess I should have waited for her to actually explain it.”
Peyton shook her head at him before she looked over at me again. “Well, they’ve all been here the whole time. We were all in my room, just in case you and Sid had a screaming match and we had to intervene.”
“But now that you know about the gala,” Max started, skipping over to me and sitting on my lap, making me groan from his weight, “we can all go shopping and get you all pretty.” He grinned, making a bit of a face before adding, “Well, prettier.”
I sighed. “Why do you always have to buy me a dress?”
“Because, I may be a man, but I can still appreciate a wonderful piece of clothing. But, since I’m a man, I can’t wear them, but I always wish I could buy them and feel beautiful.” He explained.
“What’s he’s trying to say,” Jordan cut in, “is that he buys you pretty dresses so that he can live vicariously through you.”
“If you feel beautiful, we all feel beautiful,” Kris added.
I laughed, pushing Max off of me and completely ignoring his overdramatic cry of pain as I stood up from the couch. “Well, I guess I can appreciate that.”
“Good,” Kris said, letting out a yawn before he continued, “because Max already bought a few dresses for you to try on.”
“I went with him to make sure he got your size.” Peyton assured me. “And also to stop him from buying this unfortunately fuchsia coloured dress with silver sparkles all over the neckline.”
“The dress was beautiful Hanna,” Max told me, grabbing onto one of my legs with a long sigh. “If I had the bust for it, I would be in it right now.”
“Okay, someone please give me a distraction to get the image of Max in that dress out of my head,” I whined.
“In my head, he purple lipstick, dark blue eye shadow and some serious curls,” Jordan told me, laughing at the facial expressions we all gave him. “But if you want a distraction, I’m starving, and I’ve been told that Vancouver has the best sushi.”
“I could actually go for some sushi,” I agreed, kicking Max off of my leg and heading over to where the shoe closet was. “What time do we have to leave tomorrow?” I asked.
“Around noon, I think,” Peyton answered, already waiting with the door open. “You sure you want to go?”
“I’m positive,” I answered. Smiling at her before I stepped out of the apartment, waiting for the rest of them to join me.
I frowned at her. “Well, sorry, Peyton. I’m sorry that my extreme nerves are bothering you, jerk. Oh, and I’m fine, thanks for asking.”
She laughed. “Hanna, seriously, do you think Sid would come all the way out here to say something mean to you? The guy won’t even trash talk other hockey players, Hanna?”
“Okay, that’s a valid point,” I agreed. “But it doesn’t make me any less nervous.” I lifted my hand up and scratched the back of my head quickly before I moved to the end of my seat. “How’s my hair?”
Peyton rolled her eyes. “Hanna, calm down. He probably won’t even be here for another-”
“Was that a knock?” I asked, cutting off her sentence.
“What? No, it was me talking, asshole,” she answered, standing up from the couch and making her way out of the living room and towards her own room, stopping when the sound of someone knock on our door was heard. “Oh. Maybe you did hear someone knocking,” she muttered, shooting me an apologetic smile. “I’ll be in my room, so you two will have your privacy.”
“I don’t know if I want privacy,” I admitted, standing up and slowly edging my way towards the door.
“Hanna, he clearly just wants to talk to you, and I have to call Kris and double check on dinner plans, anyways. You’ll be fine. You’ve talked to Sidney a million times.” She reminded me.
“That was different,” I began, stopping when there was another knock on the door before continuing, “I hadn’t slept with him, let him buy a house for us to live in and then admit that I was still a complete mess and needed some time.”
Peyton rolled her eyes again. “Hanna, stop being so dramatic and answer the damn door, okay?” She didn’t wait to see what I was going to say, already turning and making her way into her room before she had even gotten the last word out.
I had to take in a deep breath of air, reminding myself to let it out before I took the last few steps towards the door and pulled it open, staring up at Sidney. “You get taller every time I see you.”
He smiled, both of his hands in his pockets as he looked down at me. “I wish that were true.” He continued to looking at me, his eyes occasionally moving away from my face and towards the apartment behind me before he let out a soft laugh. “Are you going to let me in?”
I felt my face blush, stepping aside so he could enter the apartment watching as he slid his flip flops off and headed into the living room, waiting for me to join him before he sat down on the very edge of the beaten up arm chair, sitting with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands together. “How are you?” He asked me, his voice soft.
I shrugged, sitting with one leg curled beneath me so I could play the threads of my sock. “Good. I moved back in a couple of days ago, right after my counselling was done in Pittsburgh. I’m actually thinking about signing up for some more, since the therapist I had back there mainly talked about my family. Alissa was just kind of a background topic, and even though I see why he did that, I still feel like I need to talk more about the impact of her death a little more.” I lifted my eyes up to look at him, immediately intimidated by his gaze and looking back down at my lap. “What about you?”
I heard him sigh before he actually answered. “I’ve been busy. My workout schedule takes up most of my time. I don’t want to fall out of shape in the off season, so I’m pretty hard on myself during the summer.”
There was a long pause, and as much as I wanted to look up at him, I just couldn’t seem to bring myself to do so. I knew that Sidney didn’t hate me, even though there was a voice in my head telling me that he did, but I was still dealing with a lot of guilt over how things had ended, and every time I looked up and saw him looking back at me, it only seemed to intensify the guilt and the loneliness I had thrown onto myself.
Sidney eventually continued, clearly realizing that I wasn’t going to give in and meet his gaze. He told me about the interview’s he’d done, about how fatigued he was from the constant flying back and forth to make appearances that he had agreed to months ago. He told me about how his mom had made him help his dad remodel the kitchen, and about how the person he had spent the most time with was his agent and other coaches who had been at certain events that he had also been asked to show up too.
I finally lifted my head back up, relieved to see that Sidney was now looking down at the floor, not at me anymore, and debated whether I wanted to ask the question or not, before I finally just asked, “What happened to the house you bought?”
Sidney seemed to freeze, despite the fact that he wasn’t really moving to start with. His fingers, which he had been lightly tapping together, stopped, and his body to seem to jolt into a freeze frame. He didn’t say anything for a moment, and I was beginning to think that he wasn’t even going to answer, before he lifted his head up to look at me, letting me see the way his face had adapted this look that I didn’t even recognize, and answered, “I haven’t been to it since the day we… since you left.”
I sucked in my lower lip, giving a small nod and letting my eyes fall away from him again. “I’m sorry, Sidney.”
He didn’t reply to the apology, even though I managed to catch a glimpse of his face after I had issued the apology, which let me know that he had heard it. Instead he let out another loud sigh and leaned back a bit. “So, I hear your taking pictures now?”
“Yeah. Jory, the Canucks photographer, he’s taking me on as an assistant slash apprentice. He’s an interesting guy,” I answered, letting out a small laugh.
Sidney nodded, his focus on the window behind me. “I forgot how much I loved Vancouver,” he said, standing up from the couch and walking over to the window so he could look out it. “I can’t get over the mountains, or even the way the air feels different. Do you know what I mean?” He asked, turning around to glance at me. “Did you notice it when you came back from Pittsburgh, the way the air feels, I don’t know, heavier? But in the best way.”
I smiled, shaking my head, no. “I did not notice that. I missed the mountains, but I miss Pittsburgh a lot, actually. It’s beautiful out here, but Pittsburgh really felt like home for those six or so months that I was there.”
Sidney turned away from the window to look at me once more, taking a moment to study my face. He had caught my gaze when he turned around, and now that he had it, he held it, making sure that I was actually looking at him. “I’m glad you’re getting help, Hanna. You don’t deserve to hurt anymore.” He seemed to glance past me and at the clock hanging on the kitchen wall before he took a few steps back into the living room, Sidney’s subtle way of showing you that he had to leave. “And I’m really glad that you’re finding your passion. I didn’t even know that you were into photography.”
I gave him a soft smile, standing up from the couch but staying a few feet away from him. “I didn’t think I ever had a chance with it, honestly. It wasn’t until Elizabeth and Cameron bought me that camera that I remembered how much I loved it.”
He nodded, letting out an awkward laugh. “Yeah, when I heard that you were doing those headshots for Vero, I was really surprised. But, in a good way.” He glanced at the clock again before he looked back at me. “Are you coming with Peyton?”
I frowned, “Where is Peyton going?”
He smiled. “She didn’t tell you? The Olympic gala I’m going to, I’m actually leaving for it tonight, some of the team is coming with me. Kris, Max, Jordan and Tyler are all going, and obviously Kris is bringing Peyton. I got her an extra ticket for you, but I guess she didn’t tell you about it.”
I laughed, “She probably didn’t want to say anything in case you and I didn’t have a good talk today.”
He smirked at me, seeming to understand. “Well, I know this was a short visit, but I just…” he shrugged, looking down at the floor for a moment, seeming to try and find the words to finish his sentence before he looked back up at me. “I miss you, Hanna. And I wanted to make sure you were okay, that you were dealing with everything. I know things didn’t end well, and it will take some time before we’re less uncomfortable around each other, but, I really want to be friends again. I found that picture of you, Staalsy and I in the photo booth, and I miss that, you know?”
I had to take a moment to try and figure out what he was talking about before I laughed. “Oh yeah. The first day we ever spent any time together,” I remembered, smiling. “I miss that too.”
Sidney looked at me for another moment before he turned his gaze away from me and started making his way towards the door. “Well, I told Luongo I’d met him at GM Place in about two hours, and I still have to swing by Rick Bowness’ place and say hi.”
I frowned, “You know Rick Bowness?”
Sidney was already at the door, putting his flip flops on and tugging his car keys out of his pocket. “Yeah, he lives across the lake from me in Halifax. We go fishing together once in awhile, and his wife invites me over for dinner every so often.” He grinned, “He won’t tell me how to beat Luongo, though, the bastard.”
I laughed. “I didn’t know that. This whole time you’ve had an in to helping me meet the Canucks and you didn’t even tell me.”
Sidney just shrugged, his hand on the door handle as he looked over at me before giving me a small smile. “Bye, Hanna.”
I waved to him, falling backwards onto the couch as soon as he was out the door and groaning into my hands. I was going to be spending another evening with him now that he had invited me to the Olympic gala banquet, and even though I was grateful that he still wanted to be friends, I couldn’t get over how awkward this brief talk had been.
“Well, you’re not crying. That’s good,” Peyton said, startling me a bit.
I sat up, frowning at her. “Why didn’t you tell me about the Olympic gala?”
Peyton made a face, “Oh, right. So, there’s this Olympic gala tomorrow night in Alberta-”
“Yeah, I know. Sidney asked me if I was going and then had to awkwardly explain to me that he had given my best friend a ticket for me, and said best friend didn’t tell me!” I reminded her, grabbing a pillow from off of the couch and chucking it at her.
Peyton ducked, avoiding the pillow. “Yes, throw things at me. That will urge me to hand you the ticket and say, ‘hey, Hanna, why don’t you and I sit side by side on an airplane for two or so hours and hang out!’”
“Please, you’ll sit with Kris and stick me with Max,” I said.
Peyton laughed, “I totally would do that, you’re right.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “So, you want to go?”
“Well, I can’t not go after Sidney came and invited me,” I mumbled, falling back onto the couch. “What am I going to wear?”
“We’ll buy you a dress!”
I frowned, sitting back up and staring over at where Peyton was, utterly confused as to how Max, Jordan and Kris had ended up behind her. “How did you guys-”
“Right, funny story,” Peyton began, causing Jordan to burst into laughter, which caused the rest of us to turn and look at him. He stopped, giving an embarrassed smile. “Sorry, I thought laughing would make the explanation funnier, but I guess I should have waited for her to actually explain it.”
Peyton shook her head at him before she looked over at me again. “Well, they’ve all been here the whole time. We were all in my room, just in case you and Sid had a screaming match and we had to intervene.”
“But now that you know about the gala,” Max started, skipping over to me and sitting on my lap, making me groan from his weight, “we can all go shopping and get you all pretty.” He grinned, making a bit of a face before adding, “Well, prettier.”
I sighed. “Why do you always have to buy me a dress?”
“Because, I may be a man, but I can still appreciate a wonderful piece of clothing. But, since I’m a man, I can’t wear them, but I always wish I could buy them and feel beautiful.” He explained.
“What’s he’s trying to say,” Jordan cut in, “is that he buys you pretty dresses so that he can live vicariously through you.”
“If you feel beautiful, we all feel beautiful,” Kris added.
I laughed, pushing Max off of me and completely ignoring his overdramatic cry of pain as I stood up from the couch. “Well, I guess I can appreciate that.”
“Good,” Kris said, letting out a yawn before he continued, “because Max already bought a few dresses for you to try on.”
“I went with him to make sure he got your size.” Peyton assured me. “And also to stop him from buying this unfortunately fuchsia coloured dress with silver sparkles all over the neckline.”
“The dress was beautiful Hanna,” Max told me, grabbing onto one of my legs with a long sigh. “If I had the bust for it, I would be in it right now.”
“Okay, someone please give me a distraction to get the image of Max in that dress out of my head,” I whined.
“In my head, he purple lipstick, dark blue eye shadow and some serious curls,” Jordan told me, laughing at the facial expressions we all gave him. “But if you want a distraction, I’m starving, and I’ve been told that Vancouver has the best sushi.”
“I could actually go for some sushi,” I agreed, kicking Max off of my leg and heading over to where the shoe closet was. “What time do we have to leave tomorrow?” I asked.
“Around noon, I think,” Peyton answered, already waiting with the door open. “You sure you want to go?”
“I’m positive,” I answered. Smiling at her before I stepped out of the apartment, waiting for the rest of them to join me.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Moments
Hey guys! So, I'm just letting you know that, if I write this out as it is in my head, there's only two parts after this. But, as I said on Mibba, if you have a suggestion for who I should write about next, leave a comment and let me know! I'm not 100% positive that I will write a whole 'nother story, but I would definitely write a so called "one shot." Also, thank you all so much for continuing to read and comment. I really appreciate it.
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“You are so confusing,” Peyton said to me, watching as I carried another box inside of the apartment. “Just over six months ago, you move out to find yourself. I replace you with a new, mildly smelly, barely speaks English and doesn’t pay the rent room mate. Now, barely speaks English is living on the street, and you’re back. I’m confused.”
I had stopped mid-way through the hallway to turn and stare at her in the living room as she spoke, shaking my head. “Your roommates name was Natalie and she was from Burnaby. Why are you lying to me about her?”
“Burnaby’s version of English and Vancouver’s version of English are not on the same page. Do you know what the bitch referred to Chiliwack as? The wack. What the hell, right?”
I laughed, setting the box down in my room before turning and walking back out to where Peyton was sitting in the living room with a giant bottle of Mountain Dew. “I missed you, Peyton.”
She grinned, pouring me a glass of Mountain Dew. “I know.” She handed me the cup she had just poured for me, picking her own back up and taking a sip. “So, you’re back.”
I nodded, taking a drink from the cup. “I’m back.”
“How does it feel?”
I sighed, letting my head fall back against the couch with a shrug. “I don’t know. I almost feel like I’m in the same position, but that’s probably just because I feel so lonely now. Once I get past that, I’m sure I’ll see all the good Pittsburgh did for me.”
Peyton nodded, leaning forward to set her cup down on the table. “You’re not alone, though. I’m here, and even though I feel as if my level of awesome is high enough that you don’t need other friends, Max, Marc and Jordan already made plans to come see you, and Kris will be here all next week.” She studied my face for a moment before nodding in understanding, “Oh, I see. You mean lonely because there’s no…. boy.”
I let out a half laugh, “You can say his name, Peyton. It’s not like I won’t hear it thirty times a day on the TV or radio.”
She grinned, “I’m sure all the posters of him celebrating that big goal in the Olympics being plastered all over the city doesn’t help either, huh?”
“Not really.” I admitted, sighing. “I just can’t believe that I’m back here already. I was starting to believe that Pittsburgh was my new home. That I’d never be coming back here unless I was visiting. I guess it’s just hard to swallow, that’s all,” I tried to explain to her.
Peyton gave me a small smile, letting out a sigh. “Well, sometimes life has different plans for you. Besides, working as an assistant to the Vancouver Canucks main photographer? I mean, that’s a pretty rad deal, Hanna.”
“Yeah, I guess it’s okay,” I joked, taking another drink from my cup before letting out a groan. “I can’t believe I’m back in this apartment.”
“Can you smell the Thai food? It’s the only thing Natalie would eat, and I swear that eventually it made everything taste like Thai food. Everything. Even cereal.” She leaned forward so that her face was only a few inches from mine and asked, “Do you know the terror of putting a spoonful of Foot Loops into your mouth, and tasting Tom Yam?”
I pushed her face away from me, letting out a loud laugh. “Oh my goodness, Peyton. I don’t know how I survived six months without you.”
“Well, clearly you didn’t do too well,” she joked, earning a push from me.
“I don’t even know what Tom Yam is, but the amount of dirty jokes I want to say now is just unthinkable,” I added, letting out a long sigh as I leaned forward and set my cup down on the table, looking around at the apartment.
“It’s hot and sour soup. It’s also not delicious.” Peyton stood up from the couch, stretching her arms above her head before she glanced back down at me. “Well, let’s get to unpacking your stuff. Also, I need to explain to you why there’s now a whole in the bathroom.”
“There’s a whole in the bathroom? Where?” I asked, standing up and following her down the hall to where my room was.
“In the wall,” she answered, pausing to glance back at me. “I don’t want to get to into it right now, but it may have involved me trying to kick Natalie, and missing.”
I laughed. “I can’t imagine why she was so eager to move out.”
“I don’t know either! Bitch drank all the milk. If anyone should have wanted to run out of the apartment, it should have been me.”
I could only roll my eyes at her.
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“Hanna, are you listening to me?”
I nodded, trying to pick up the papers I had just dropped. “I am. I’m just…I’m really nervous, Jory, that’s all.”
Jory, the main photographer for the Vancouver Canucks, only chuckled at me as I nervously followed after him. “This is the dressing room, as I’m sure you can tell,” he said, letting me step into the Canucks locker room. “Media and photographers are only allowed in if one of the coaches or the media coach says so. Usually, I’m allowed in before and after games pre-media scrum, but not only. It depends on the game,” he said. “Also, you can only be in here taking pictures, or in the hall where the equipment is taken care of. No sneaking off to try and snap a picture of Kesler in the showers.”
I felt my face burn with embarrassment, earning another laugh out of Jory. “Okay.”
He shook his head at me, half laughing still. “Hanna, you need to lighten up. This is a fun job. All of the players are really nice, and really funny guys.” He paused, furrowing his brow for a second. “Well, except Alex Edler. I mean, he’s really nice, but he’s also really quiet. Sometimes, I worry that he’s only so silent because he’s plotting all of our deaths.” He turned to look at me, seeing the disturbed look on my face and patted my head. “Don’t worry, he’s too shy around girls to do anything to you, other than smile and scratch his neck awkwardly whenever you talk to him.” He sighed, “Anyways, feel free to marvel in the beauty of the best locker room in all the NHL.”
I took a step further into the room and took it all in. Jory wasn’t lying when he told me to marvel in it. The room was circular, so that each stall faced into the centre of the room, and every player could see each other and be seen, no one being stuck in a corner. It left far more open space for walking around and for the media to pile in after practices or games. Behind the actual locker room was the players lounge, a room filled with comfortable couches, a kitchen and table, three big screen TV’s and all kinds of game counsels. Then there was the sauna room, where there was a giant hot tub, as well as an ice bath, and, well, the sauna. Showers were somewhere in the same area, but Jory didn’t show me them since he was convinced I might use my camera for “evil.”
The coaches offices were surrounded in glass, so they could see the players out in the hallway, even though most of the time, the players weren’t around the offices anyways. I didn’t get a tour of the equipment room, but I could only imagine that it was superior to most other equipment rooms.
“Jory, I have a question for you,” I said as he lead me back out of the change room and towards the tiny room that was called his office. “How did I end up with this assistant, apprentice, whatever job?”
He laughed at me again, something I was beginning to learn would be a typical exchange between us. “It was Bowness who showed me some of your pictures. I guess he got them from a friend of yours, or maybe a friend of a friend? Anyways, you’ve got potential. You’re good at the portrait style photos, so when the season starts up, you can help with headshots for the stat cards and website, as well as photos at practice. There’s a lot of standing around listening to the coaches plays at practice, so you can get some good still photos. We’ll get you a proper camera for live action shots, because that one,” he pointed to the camera in my hand, “won’t work.”
I had to shake my head, trying to absorb everything that he had just said. “So, was it Vero who sent in pics for me?” I asked.
Jory glanced at me, a small smirk forming on his face. “Well, who do you think it was?”
I sighed, following him out of his office and towards the actual arena, even though it was void of ice due to the summer time. “This job,” I started, “it’s an actual job, right? You’re not just making something up because my friend made you feel sorry for you?”
“Sorry for you?” He asked, almost laughing again. “Hanna, I am 36 and balding. I tried to grow a playoff beard faster than a cheeta pet this year, and I failed. You think I’d feel sorry for you because you’re 21 and don’t have a permanent career yet?” He did laugh this time, reaching out to ruffle my hair. “You’re silly. You can help me write the captions for the photos, I think. Maybe. We’ll see how funny your ideas are.”
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“Hanna!” Peyton answered the door, standing in my way as I tried to enter the apartment. “You are home earlier then I thought.”
I eyed her curiously. “What are you hiding from me?”
Peyton sighed, moving so I could enter the apartment finally. “It was going to be a surprise.”
I tossed my purse onto the floor, walking towards the living room. “What was supposed to be a surpri-”
“HANNA!” Max yelled, tackling me to the floor before I could even finish my sentence. “Oh no, you fell down!” He yelled, already standing back up.
“Shit, Max, I think you broke my hip bone,” I whined accepting the hand he extended and allowing him to help me up.
He chuckled, letting go of my hand and stuffing it into his pocket, using his free hand to point at me with a wink, “Not the first time I’ve heard that from a lady.”
I made a face, peering around him to see Kris and Jordan sitting on the couch. “You guys are here too!” I yelled, startling Kris who dropped the bowl of chips he was holding. “I mean, I expected Kris since he’s dating Peyton, but Jordan!”
Jordan stood up from the couch, clapping his hands and jumping over to me. “It’s a surprise visit!” He yelled, grabbing my hands and making me jump with him.
I laughed, my laughter escalating when Max, after watching the two of with a curious expression, came over and joined the jump circle, letting out a squeal when I almost fell into him, the intensity of my laughter having knocked me off balance and into him. “Oh my God, Hanna, your got clumsiness all over my favourite shirt!” He yelled, making me have to sit down from the overall ridiculousness of the moment.
Peyton came over to help me up, shaking her head at the three of us with a small laugh. “I miss these moments. I feel like I missed so many of them while you were off in Pittsburgh.”
I nodded, wiping away the tears that my fit of laughter had caused. “Yeah, but I have a feeling there will be many more of these to come, whether these boys are here or not.”
Peyton grinned at me. “This is such a Hannah Montana moment. Seriously, if one of us had a bad braid in their hair, I’d feel like we were ripping the show off.”
Once I had finally gotten over the shock of seeing Max, Jordan and Kris again, Peyton and Kris began whispering to one another, stopping occasionally to glance over at me before whispering again. “What are you guys talking about?” I asked, seeming to catch both of them off guard.
Peyton sighed, running her hands up and down the tops of her thighs nervously before finally just saying, “Sidney is coming over tomorrow. He wants to talk to you.”
“Peyton, she wasn’t supposed to know until he was here,” Kris said. “Remember, he said he didn’t want her to know ahead of time because he was worried that she’d spend too much time being afraid of how it would go.”
“Wow, you two are terrible at keeping secrets,” Jordan mumbled, making Max chuckle.
“He’s coming over tomorrow?” I asked. “When?”
Peyton shrugged, “He didn’t say exactly. His flight gets in early, like nine am or so, but he might not come straight here. And he’s only staying for a day, then he’s hopping on a plane and going to Alberta for something about the Olympics. Apparently some of Team Canada live out here and he’s going with them, but he wanted to stop by first.”
I nodded, letting out a nervous breath of air. “Well, I’m glad you told me. If he had just shown up, I probably would have crapped myself.”
“That’s a pretty typical reaction for him, he probably wouldn’t even notice,” Max said.
I shot him an unimpressed look, fighting back laughter when he picked up a cup to throw at me, not realizing that it had pop in it which resulted in him dumping the cup on himself.
It was good that he, and Jordan and Kris and Peyton, were here for momentary distraction. Because, as much as I was trying to act like it was no big deal, my palms were already moistening with sweat from the nerves Sidney’s news had caused.
--------------------------------------
“You are so confusing,” Peyton said to me, watching as I carried another box inside of the apartment. “Just over six months ago, you move out to find yourself. I replace you with a new, mildly smelly, barely speaks English and doesn’t pay the rent room mate. Now, barely speaks English is living on the street, and you’re back. I’m confused.”
I had stopped mid-way through the hallway to turn and stare at her in the living room as she spoke, shaking my head. “Your roommates name was Natalie and she was from Burnaby. Why are you lying to me about her?”
“Burnaby’s version of English and Vancouver’s version of English are not on the same page. Do you know what the bitch referred to Chiliwack as? The wack. What the hell, right?”
I laughed, setting the box down in my room before turning and walking back out to where Peyton was sitting in the living room with a giant bottle of Mountain Dew. “I missed you, Peyton.”
She grinned, pouring me a glass of Mountain Dew. “I know.” She handed me the cup she had just poured for me, picking her own back up and taking a sip. “So, you’re back.”
I nodded, taking a drink from the cup. “I’m back.”
“How does it feel?”
I sighed, letting my head fall back against the couch with a shrug. “I don’t know. I almost feel like I’m in the same position, but that’s probably just because I feel so lonely now. Once I get past that, I’m sure I’ll see all the good Pittsburgh did for me.”
Peyton nodded, leaning forward to set her cup down on the table. “You’re not alone, though. I’m here, and even though I feel as if my level of awesome is high enough that you don’t need other friends, Max, Marc and Jordan already made plans to come see you, and Kris will be here all next week.” She studied my face for a moment before nodding in understanding, “Oh, I see. You mean lonely because there’s no…. boy.”
I let out a half laugh, “You can say his name, Peyton. It’s not like I won’t hear it thirty times a day on the TV or radio.”
She grinned, “I’m sure all the posters of him celebrating that big goal in the Olympics being plastered all over the city doesn’t help either, huh?”
“Not really.” I admitted, sighing. “I just can’t believe that I’m back here already. I was starting to believe that Pittsburgh was my new home. That I’d never be coming back here unless I was visiting. I guess it’s just hard to swallow, that’s all,” I tried to explain to her.
Peyton gave me a small smile, letting out a sigh. “Well, sometimes life has different plans for you. Besides, working as an assistant to the Vancouver Canucks main photographer? I mean, that’s a pretty rad deal, Hanna.”
“Yeah, I guess it’s okay,” I joked, taking another drink from my cup before letting out a groan. “I can’t believe I’m back in this apartment.”
“Can you smell the Thai food? It’s the only thing Natalie would eat, and I swear that eventually it made everything taste like Thai food. Everything. Even cereal.” She leaned forward so that her face was only a few inches from mine and asked, “Do you know the terror of putting a spoonful of Foot Loops into your mouth, and tasting Tom Yam?”
I pushed her face away from me, letting out a loud laugh. “Oh my goodness, Peyton. I don’t know how I survived six months without you.”
“Well, clearly you didn’t do too well,” she joked, earning a push from me.
“I don’t even know what Tom Yam is, but the amount of dirty jokes I want to say now is just unthinkable,” I added, letting out a long sigh as I leaned forward and set my cup down on the table, looking around at the apartment.
“It’s hot and sour soup. It’s also not delicious.” Peyton stood up from the couch, stretching her arms above her head before she glanced back down at me. “Well, let’s get to unpacking your stuff. Also, I need to explain to you why there’s now a whole in the bathroom.”
“There’s a whole in the bathroom? Where?” I asked, standing up and following her down the hall to where my room was.
“In the wall,” she answered, pausing to glance back at me. “I don’t want to get to into it right now, but it may have involved me trying to kick Natalie, and missing.”
I laughed. “I can’t imagine why she was so eager to move out.”
“I don’t know either! Bitch drank all the milk. If anyone should have wanted to run out of the apartment, it should have been me.”
I could only roll my eyes at her.
-----------------------------------
“Hanna, are you listening to me?”
I nodded, trying to pick up the papers I had just dropped. “I am. I’m just…I’m really nervous, Jory, that’s all.”
Jory, the main photographer for the Vancouver Canucks, only chuckled at me as I nervously followed after him. “This is the dressing room, as I’m sure you can tell,” he said, letting me step into the Canucks locker room. “Media and photographers are only allowed in if one of the coaches or the media coach says so. Usually, I’m allowed in before and after games pre-media scrum, but not only. It depends on the game,” he said. “Also, you can only be in here taking pictures, or in the hall where the equipment is taken care of. No sneaking off to try and snap a picture of Kesler in the showers.”
I felt my face burn with embarrassment, earning another laugh out of Jory. “Okay.”
He shook his head at me, half laughing still. “Hanna, you need to lighten up. This is a fun job. All of the players are really nice, and really funny guys.” He paused, furrowing his brow for a second. “Well, except Alex Edler. I mean, he’s really nice, but he’s also really quiet. Sometimes, I worry that he’s only so silent because he’s plotting all of our deaths.” He turned to look at me, seeing the disturbed look on my face and patted my head. “Don’t worry, he’s too shy around girls to do anything to you, other than smile and scratch his neck awkwardly whenever you talk to him.” He sighed, “Anyways, feel free to marvel in the beauty of the best locker room in all the NHL.”
I took a step further into the room and took it all in. Jory wasn’t lying when he told me to marvel in it. The room was circular, so that each stall faced into the centre of the room, and every player could see each other and be seen, no one being stuck in a corner. It left far more open space for walking around and for the media to pile in after practices or games. Behind the actual locker room was the players lounge, a room filled with comfortable couches, a kitchen and table, three big screen TV’s and all kinds of game counsels. Then there was the sauna room, where there was a giant hot tub, as well as an ice bath, and, well, the sauna. Showers were somewhere in the same area, but Jory didn’t show me them since he was convinced I might use my camera for “evil.”
The coaches offices were surrounded in glass, so they could see the players out in the hallway, even though most of the time, the players weren’t around the offices anyways. I didn’t get a tour of the equipment room, but I could only imagine that it was superior to most other equipment rooms.
“Jory, I have a question for you,” I said as he lead me back out of the change room and towards the tiny room that was called his office. “How did I end up with this assistant, apprentice, whatever job?”
He laughed at me again, something I was beginning to learn would be a typical exchange between us. “It was Bowness who showed me some of your pictures. I guess he got them from a friend of yours, or maybe a friend of a friend? Anyways, you’ve got potential. You’re good at the portrait style photos, so when the season starts up, you can help with headshots for the stat cards and website, as well as photos at practice. There’s a lot of standing around listening to the coaches plays at practice, so you can get some good still photos. We’ll get you a proper camera for live action shots, because that one,” he pointed to the camera in my hand, “won’t work.”
I had to shake my head, trying to absorb everything that he had just said. “So, was it Vero who sent in pics for me?” I asked.
Jory glanced at me, a small smirk forming on his face. “Well, who do you think it was?”
I sighed, following him out of his office and towards the actual arena, even though it was void of ice due to the summer time. “This job,” I started, “it’s an actual job, right? You’re not just making something up because my friend made you feel sorry for you?”
“Sorry for you?” He asked, almost laughing again. “Hanna, I am 36 and balding. I tried to grow a playoff beard faster than a cheeta pet this year, and I failed. You think I’d feel sorry for you because you’re 21 and don’t have a permanent career yet?” He did laugh this time, reaching out to ruffle my hair. “You’re silly. You can help me write the captions for the photos, I think. Maybe. We’ll see how funny your ideas are.”
-------------------------------------
“Hanna!” Peyton answered the door, standing in my way as I tried to enter the apartment. “You are home earlier then I thought.”
I eyed her curiously. “What are you hiding from me?”
Peyton sighed, moving so I could enter the apartment finally. “It was going to be a surprise.”
I tossed my purse onto the floor, walking towards the living room. “What was supposed to be a surpri-”
“HANNA!” Max yelled, tackling me to the floor before I could even finish my sentence. “Oh no, you fell down!” He yelled, already standing back up.
“Shit, Max, I think you broke my hip bone,” I whined accepting the hand he extended and allowing him to help me up.
He chuckled, letting go of my hand and stuffing it into his pocket, using his free hand to point at me with a wink, “Not the first time I’ve heard that from a lady.”
I made a face, peering around him to see Kris and Jordan sitting on the couch. “You guys are here too!” I yelled, startling Kris who dropped the bowl of chips he was holding. “I mean, I expected Kris since he’s dating Peyton, but Jordan!”
Jordan stood up from the couch, clapping his hands and jumping over to me. “It’s a surprise visit!” He yelled, grabbing my hands and making me jump with him.
I laughed, my laughter escalating when Max, after watching the two of with a curious expression, came over and joined the jump circle, letting out a squeal when I almost fell into him, the intensity of my laughter having knocked me off balance and into him. “Oh my God, Hanna, your got clumsiness all over my favourite shirt!” He yelled, making me have to sit down from the overall ridiculousness of the moment.
Peyton came over to help me up, shaking her head at the three of us with a small laugh. “I miss these moments. I feel like I missed so many of them while you were off in Pittsburgh.”
I nodded, wiping away the tears that my fit of laughter had caused. “Yeah, but I have a feeling there will be many more of these to come, whether these boys are here or not.”
Peyton grinned at me. “This is such a Hannah Montana moment. Seriously, if one of us had a bad braid in their hair, I’d feel like we were ripping the show off.”
Once I had finally gotten over the shock of seeing Max, Jordan and Kris again, Peyton and Kris began whispering to one another, stopping occasionally to glance over at me before whispering again. “What are you guys talking about?” I asked, seeming to catch both of them off guard.
Peyton sighed, running her hands up and down the tops of her thighs nervously before finally just saying, “Sidney is coming over tomorrow. He wants to talk to you.”
“Peyton, she wasn’t supposed to know until he was here,” Kris said. “Remember, he said he didn’t want her to know ahead of time because he was worried that she’d spend too much time being afraid of how it would go.”
“Wow, you two are terrible at keeping secrets,” Jordan mumbled, making Max chuckle.
“He’s coming over tomorrow?” I asked. “When?”
Peyton shrugged, “He didn’t say exactly. His flight gets in early, like nine am or so, but he might not come straight here. And he’s only staying for a day, then he’s hopping on a plane and going to Alberta for something about the Olympics. Apparently some of Team Canada live out here and he’s going with them, but he wanted to stop by first.”
I nodded, letting out a nervous breath of air. “Well, I’m glad you told me. If he had just shown up, I probably would have crapped myself.”
“That’s a pretty typical reaction for him, he probably wouldn’t even notice,” Max said.
I shot him an unimpressed look, fighting back laughter when he picked up a cup to throw at me, not realizing that it had pop in it which resulted in him dumping the cup on himself.
It was good that he, and Jordan and Kris and Peyton, were here for momentary distraction. Because, as much as I was trying to act like it was no big deal, my palms were already moistening with sweat from the nerves Sidney’s news had caused.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Adventures
“Hanna?” Vero called, the sound of her walking through the living room accompanying the call.
“I’m in my room,” I called back, flipping shut the book I was reading and looking up at her as soon as she walked into my room. “What do you need?”
She smiled, walking over to sit on the edge of my bed. “I just wanted to see how you were doing.”
I smirked at her, sitting up on my bed. “I go to counselling to talk about my feelings, Vero, you don’t need to worry about me,” I reminded her.
She nodded, smoothing out the comforter on my bed before letting out a long sigh. “I actually wanted to ask you of a favour.”
I nodded, again, trying not to giggle at her. “What is it?”
“You would be okay with me leaving for a few days, right?” She asked, giving me a small smile. “Because, those pictures you took for me, they worked. I have been asked to fly out to New York and meet with an agent.”
I felt my mouth fall open for a moment before I lunged forward and pulled her into a hug. “Vero, that’s amazing! Of course you should go, I’ll be fine here.”
She laughed, “Are you sure? I hate to leave you when you’re still…”
I smiled at her, “Sad? Don’t worry about me, Vero, I can manage. Remember, counselling? I believe I just brought it up a moment ago. Besides, I think a little alone time would be good for me.”
She nodded, looking me over with a soft sigh. “I just feel bad, leaving you after a break up.”
“Well, it was a little bit my fault for the break-up, and it was almost a month ago now. I will be fine. I’ll hang out with… I don’t know, someone. I’ll be fine, okay. I’ll be here, working and spending my spare time taking pictures and crying every time the TV plays a hockey commercial with Sidney in it,” I joked.
She smiled at me, reaching out to move my hair out of my face, a gentle gesture that Vero often used with me. At times, she seemed more like a mother figure to me then one of my closest friends, and after ruining what might have been the best relationship of my life, it was nice to have. “Have you talked to Sidney?”
I shook my head, I giving a small shrug. “No, but he sort of hinted that he thought us being so far apart might be a good thing, so I’m not going to worry about it too much.” I let out another sigh, grinning at Vero. “When are you leaving?”
“In two days, if it is okay?” She asked, smiling shyly.
I rolled my eyes. “Vero, I just told you it’s fine if you leave. You can’t miss out on a possible modeling gig because I just went through a break-up. That’s ridiculous.”
“That is what Marc-Andre told me, too,” she said, laughing. “You’ll help me pack then?”
“Oh, I see. This is the favour you were going to ask for?” I let out a soft laugh when she nodded. “Fine. I mean, it’s not like I already took the pictures that got you this possible modelling gig. I definitely haven’t done enough for you.”
She smirked at me as we both our made way towards her room. “That reminds me,” she began, “how are you liking staying here for almost free?”
I laughed, “Wow. Okay, touché.”
--------------------------------------
The apartment was so quiet without Vero in it. The first day without her had been good. I did need a little quiet time, not that Vero was really much of the noise maker, and it was nice to be able to sit down and actually think about the way things were now.
By the second day, however, I was just out about losing my mind. It seemed like everywhere I turned there was a poster of Sidney, a commercial about his golden goal, an FSN commercial featuring him, or a poster of him staring down at me. My counselling sessions had moved on from discussing my family to asking about current relationships and who had helped me realize I needed the counselling, and when my poor counsellor asked me if Sidney was still in my life, I almost started crying. I knew that us not being together, at least at this point in time, was what was best for us. But at the same time, I had never missed anything as much as I missed Sidney’s voice.
It was funny, the things that you do end up missing. I had been to afraid to admit that I wasn’t actually ready for such a serious relationship because I thought I would miss the feeling of his arms around me, or the way his lips felt when he kissed the crook of my neck. I thought I’d miss holding his hand, or falling asleep beside him on the nights that he slept over. But now that all of that was actually gone, I found that I missed his voice more than anything else. I missed the way he would breathe that he loved me into my ear when he was tired. I missed those few moments when he was deep in thought and I would interrupt them with a random comment, and he would let out this soft laugh before telling me I was ridiculous. I missed listening to him. I missed him. I missed the friendship even more then I missed the romantic side of our relationship, and I couldn’t stop worrying that my refusal to just admit that I needed to take a step back and deal with my baggage had ruined every aspect of Sidney and I.
I finally moved myself off the couch, where I had been lying since I had arrived home from work, and sulked my way into the kitchen, opening the freezer and grabbing the small pint of ice cream. I was just about to grab a spoon when I heard a knock at the door, making me abandon the pint of ice cream on the counter and head over to the door, tugging it open to reveal Max and Jordan on the other side. “You guys are still in Pittsburgh?” I asked, letting them come into the apartment.
Max nodded, looking around the place. “Yeah, well, I can’t go back to Quebec yet. Not when I brought the cup last year, and this year? Nothing.”
I laughed, looking over at Jordan, who was already looking through my fridge. “What about you?”
“Me?” He asked, standing up with a jar of pickles in his hand. “I just like Pittsburgh.”
Max pointed over at the untouched container of ice cream and raised an eyebrow at me. “Are you doing that thing girls do when they are sad? Eating bad food and being sad?”
I sighed, “That was the plan, until you two showed up.”
Jordan chewed on a pickle, loudly, before saying, “We’re surprisingly in touch with our feminine side.”
Max nodded, picking up the carton of ice cream. “We can cry about Sidney, too. No worries. But we might need more ice cream.”
I laughed, “Thanks, guys. I’m not sure I want to cry about Sidney anymore, though,” I admitted, walking into the living room and waiting for them to join me. “I just feel lost, guys. I know that this counselling is good for me, and I’ve been loving my time with my new camera, but I still feel like I have no direction. I gave up my relationship because I needed to deal with everything, but now I feel like I’m even more lost.”
Max and Jordan exchanged a completely bewildered look, Jordan still eating pickles straight out of the jar and Max with a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. After a moment, Max spoke. “Hanna, we can’t help you with that.”
I sighed, “I know. I just missed having someone to talk too,” I explained.
“Well,” Jordan began, crossing one leg over the other and holding the pickle in his hand up in the air for a dramatic pose, “I think that you should spend some time having fun. Your pictures are good, your cookies are good. Keep doing things that make you happy, and keep going to counselling.”
I rolled my eyes. “I thought you’d share some life changing advice with me.”
“I’m a Staal, not a therapist,” he scoffed, taking a loud bite out of the pickle.
“Well I think,” Max began, “that Jordan has a point. You spent a long time ignoring parts of yourself. Spend some time focusing on them. You and Sid both need to just take a little while and live. You’re both just thinking about your relationship, and since there isn’t one right now, maybe you should be thinking about yourself.” He took another spoonful of ice cream, watching to see if I would mock his advice before adding, “What do you want to do? What makes you happy?”
“Honestly?” I asked, watching both of them. “Photography. And baking. I’m happiest when I’m taking pictures, and I love coming home and making cookies or cakes.”
“Which is better?” Jordan asked.
“Photography,” I answered without a thought. “I love capturing a moment. With one movement, the entire story behind the picture could change. Someone could be laughing when I lift my camera up, and scowling by the time the flash has gone off, but I caught the moment of happiness. They’ll look back on it and see the smile. That’s what I love. Capturing those moments.”
Jordan and Max seemed to exchange another look before Jordan set the jar of pickles down the table and leaned forward. “Have you ever thought about maybe being a sports photographer?”
I laughed. “You need a degree for that, guys. Or at least a lot of credibility.”
“What if we said that we could get you on as a junior photographer with a team?” Max asked. “You’d take some pictures, and you could put them on your own site.”
“The only catch is that you’d be moving again,” Jordan told me.
I was still caught off guard by the offer and had to take a moment think about it before asking, “Where would I be going this time?”
“Back to Vancouver,” Max said, grinning at me. “It wouldn’t be until your counselling is done, so you don’t have to worry about that.”
I sighed, “Back to Vancouver? I just moved into this place with Vero.”
“You’ve barely unpacked,” Jordan reminded me. “And if you don’t want to do it-”
“I do,” I said. “I’m just… how did you guys manage this?”
There was a pause, the two of them exchanging another look before turning back to me with a grin. “We know Rick Bowness, the assistant coach of the Canucks, and he introduced us to Jory, their team photographer, and he mentioned needing an assistant. That’s all.”
“How did you meet Rick Bowness?” I asked.
“Hanna, that’s not important,” Max said. “What’s important is that you find yourself. Wait until you’re done your counselling to really answer, but I think this might be good for you.”
“Back to Vancouver?” I repeated, sighing. “You boys, you’re just taking my life and throwing it into all kinds of walls.”
Jordan grinned, “We’re hockey players. Smashing people into boards and walls is what we do.”
I rolled my eyes at him, shaking my head when Max and him both high fived in laughter
“I’m in my room,” I called back, flipping shut the book I was reading and looking up at her as soon as she walked into my room. “What do you need?”
She smiled, walking over to sit on the edge of my bed. “I just wanted to see how you were doing.”
I smirked at her, sitting up on my bed. “I go to counselling to talk about my feelings, Vero, you don’t need to worry about me,” I reminded her.
She nodded, smoothing out the comforter on my bed before letting out a long sigh. “I actually wanted to ask you of a favour.”
I nodded, again, trying not to giggle at her. “What is it?”
“You would be okay with me leaving for a few days, right?” She asked, giving me a small smile. “Because, those pictures you took for me, they worked. I have been asked to fly out to New York and meet with an agent.”
I felt my mouth fall open for a moment before I lunged forward and pulled her into a hug. “Vero, that’s amazing! Of course you should go, I’ll be fine here.”
She laughed, “Are you sure? I hate to leave you when you’re still…”
I smiled at her, “Sad? Don’t worry about me, Vero, I can manage. Remember, counselling? I believe I just brought it up a moment ago. Besides, I think a little alone time would be good for me.”
She nodded, looking me over with a soft sigh. “I just feel bad, leaving you after a break up.”
“Well, it was a little bit my fault for the break-up, and it was almost a month ago now. I will be fine. I’ll hang out with… I don’t know, someone. I’ll be fine, okay. I’ll be here, working and spending my spare time taking pictures and crying every time the TV plays a hockey commercial with Sidney in it,” I joked.
She smiled at me, reaching out to move my hair out of my face, a gentle gesture that Vero often used with me. At times, she seemed more like a mother figure to me then one of my closest friends, and after ruining what might have been the best relationship of my life, it was nice to have. “Have you talked to Sidney?”
I shook my head, I giving a small shrug. “No, but he sort of hinted that he thought us being so far apart might be a good thing, so I’m not going to worry about it too much.” I let out another sigh, grinning at Vero. “When are you leaving?”
“In two days, if it is okay?” She asked, smiling shyly.
I rolled my eyes. “Vero, I just told you it’s fine if you leave. You can’t miss out on a possible modeling gig because I just went through a break-up. That’s ridiculous.”
“That is what Marc-Andre told me, too,” she said, laughing. “You’ll help me pack then?”
“Oh, I see. This is the favour you were going to ask for?” I let out a soft laugh when she nodded. “Fine. I mean, it’s not like I already took the pictures that got you this possible modelling gig. I definitely haven’t done enough for you.”
She smirked at me as we both our made way towards her room. “That reminds me,” she began, “how are you liking staying here for almost free?”
I laughed, “Wow. Okay, touché.”
--------------------------------------
The apartment was so quiet without Vero in it. The first day without her had been good. I did need a little quiet time, not that Vero was really much of the noise maker, and it was nice to be able to sit down and actually think about the way things were now.
By the second day, however, I was just out about losing my mind. It seemed like everywhere I turned there was a poster of Sidney, a commercial about his golden goal, an FSN commercial featuring him, or a poster of him staring down at me. My counselling sessions had moved on from discussing my family to asking about current relationships and who had helped me realize I needed the counselling, and when my poor counsellor asked me if Sidney was still in my life, I almost started crying. I knew that us not being together, at least at this point in time, was what was best for us. But at the same time, I had never missed anything as much as I missed Sidney’s voice.
It was funny, the things that you do end up missing. I had been to afraid to admit that I wasn’t actually ready for such a serious relationship because I thought I would miss the feeling of his arms around me, or the way his lips felt when he kissed the crook of my neck. I thought I’d miss holding his hand, or falling asleep beside him on the nights that he slept over. But now that all of that was actually gone, I found that I missed his voice more than anything else. I missed the way he would breathe that he loved me into my ear when he was tired. I missed those few moments when he was deep in thought and I would interrupt them with a random comment, and he would let out this soft laugh before telling me I was ridiculous. I missed listening to him. I missed him. I missed the friendship even more then I missed the romantic side of our relationship, and I couldn’t stop worrying that my refusal to just admit that I needed to take a step back and deal with my baggage had ruined every aspect of Sidney and I.
I finally moved myself off the couch, where I had been lying since I had arrived home from work, and sulked my way into the kitchen, opening the freezer and grabbing the small pint of ice cream. I was just about to grab a spoon when I heard a knock at the door, making me abandon the pint of ice cream on the counter and head over to the door, tugging it open to reveal Max and Jordan on the other side. “You guys are still in Pittsburgh?” I asked, letting them come into the apartment.
Max nodded, looking around the place. “Yeah, well, I can’t go back to Quebec yet. Not when I brought the cup last year, and this year? Nothing.”
I laughed, looking over at Jordan, who was already looking through my fridge. “What about you?”
“Me?” He asked, standing up with a jar of pickles in his hand. “I just like Pittsburgh.”
Max pointed over at the untouched container of ice cream and raised an eyebrow at me. “Are you doing that thing girls do when they are sad? Eating bad food and being sad?”
I sighed, “That was the plan, until you two showed up.”
Jordan chewed on a pickle, loudly, before saying, “We’re surprisingly in touch with our feminine side.”
Max nodded, picking up the carton of ice cream. “We can cry about Sidney, too. No worries. But we might need more ice cream.”
I laughed, “Thanks, guys. I’m not sure I want to cry about Sidney anymore, though,” I admitted, walking into the living room and waiting for them to join me. “I just feel lost, guys. I know that this counselling is good for me, and I’ve been loving my time with my new camera, but I still feel like I have no direction. I gave up my relationship because I needed to deal with everything, but now I feel like I’m even more lost.”
Max and Jordan exchanged a completely bewildered look, Jordan still eating pickles straight out of the jar and Max with a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. After a moment, Max spoke. “Hanna, we can’t help you with that.”
I sighed, “I know. I just missed having someone to talk too,” I explained.
“Well,” Jordan began, crossing one leg over the other and holding the pickle in his hand up in the air for a dramatic pose, “I think that you should spend some time having fun. Your pictures are good, your cookies are good. Keep doing things that make you happy, and keep going to counselling.”
I rolled my eyes. “I thought you’d share some life changing advice with me.”
“I’m a Staal, not a therapist,” he scoffed, taking a loud bite out of the pickle.
“Well I think,” Max began, “that Jordan has a point. You spent a long time ignoring parts of yourself. Spend some time focusing on them. You and Sid both need to just take a little while and live. You’re both just thinking about your relationship, and since there isn’t one right now, maybe you should be thinking about yourself.” He took another spoonful of ice cream, watching to see if I would mock his advice before adding, “What do you want to do? What makes you happy?”
“Honestly?” I asked, watching both of them. “Photography. And baking. I’m happiest when I’m taking pictures, and I love coming home and making cookies or cakes.”
“Which is better?” Jordan asked.
“Photography,” I answered without a thought. “I love capturing a moment. With one movement, the entire story behind the picture could change. Someone could be laughing when I lift my camera up, and scowling by the time the flash has gone off, but I caught the moment of happiness. They’ll look back on it and see the smile. That’s what I love. Capturing those moments.”
Jordan and Max seemed to exchange another look before Jordan set the jar of pickles down the table and leaned forward. “Have you ever thought about maybe being a sports photographer?”
I laughed. “You need a degree for that, guys. Or at least a lot of credibility.”
“What if we said that we could get you on as a junior photographer with a team?” Max asked. “You’d take some pictures, and you could put them on your own site.”
“The only catch is that you’d be moving again,” Jordan told me.
I was still caught off guard by the offer and had to take a moment think about it before asking, “Where would I be going this time?”
“Back to Vancouver,” Max said, grinning at me. “It wouldn’t be until your counselling is done, so you don’t have to worry about that.”
I sighed, “Back to Vancouver? I just moved into this place with Vero.”
“You’ve barely unpacked,” Jordan reminded me. “And if you don’t want to do it-”
“I do,” I said. “I’m just… how did you guys manage this?”
There was a pause, the two of them exchanging another look before turning back to me with a grin. “We know Rick Bowness, the assistant coach of the Canucks, and he introduced us to Jory, their team photographer, and he mentioned needing an assistant. That’s all.”
“How did you meet Rick Bowness?” I asked.
“Hanna, that’s not important,” Max said. “What’s important is that you find yourself. Wait until you’re done your counselling to really answer, but I think this might be good for you.”
“Back to Vancouver?” I repeated, sighing. “You boys, you’re just taking my life and throwing it into all kinds of walls.”
Jordan grinned, “We’re hockey players. Smashing people into boards and walls is what we do.”
I rolled my eyes at him, shaking my head when Max and him both high fived in laughter
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Changes
Peyton sat on the floor across me, twisting her mouth from side to side as she watched me sit with my gaze on the floor, the boxes filled with my few belongings around us. She sighed, reaching out and putting a hand on my leg. “Hanna, it’s okay if you weren’t ready. I mean, I don’t mean to be a jerk, but we both knew you weren’t ready to live with him,” she reminded me, causing me to lift my head up and look at her as she gave a shrug. “I mean, I figured you’d last a few days, not less than an hour, but still. You knew you weren’t ready. Why’d you even go?”
It was my turn to shrug as I rubbed my hand back and forth against the carpet, not looking up at Peyton. “I wanted to be ready. I didn’t want to carry around these issues anymore, and I love Sidney. I wanted to prove to everyone that they were wrong, and we weren’t going to fast, and… it all made sense when I packed everything.”
Peyton nodded, blowing her bangs away from her face and studying me for another moment before asking, “What are you going to do now?”
I let out a long breath of air, picking at some loose threads in the carpet as I shrugged, finally lifting up my tired eyes to look at her. “I’m getting counselling. And, I’m moving in with Vero, she’s planning to transfer out here to Pittsburgh University, so we’re getting an apartment together. I’m going to keep working at the bakery until something better comes up, and hope that one day Sidney will speak to me again.”
“So, in short, you’re not even sure?” Peyton asked.
“Not really. I know I need counselling. I mean, I was ready to just throw my life and problems at Sidney and hope he would deal with it for me. I see now that you have to deal with it yourself. I can’t ignore it anymore.”
“I’m glad you see that,” Peyton told me, scooting closer to me. “Hanna, I know that you’re really upset and confused right now, but it’s not bad to step away from some things in order to sort yourself out. The point of you coming out to Pittsburgh wasn’t to date Sidney Crosby, it was to find some head space.”
I nodded, forcing a smile at her. “Well, all I have is space now, right?”
“Don’t get all melodramatic on me, Hanna,” Peyton laughed, earning a genuine smirk out of me. “This is going to be okay. You’ll get help, you’ll move out of Pascal’s basement, you’ll figure out what you want to do with your life.” She paused, putting a hand on my shoulder. “And Sid just needs to calm down. It might take him a few days, but you know he’s not the type to cut you out of his life. He’ll want to make sure you’re okay.”
I nodded, trying to convince myself that I believed her.
---------------------------------
“Hanna, stop sulking,” Vero ordered, making me jump away from the box I was about to pick up. “We have unpacking to do.”
“I have unpacking to do,” I corrected. “You told me you were looking for a place, not that you had one.”
She smiled, “Well, Marc-Andre bought me this place. I was trying to find my own place because I feel bad just accepting things from him, but this is the best apartment for two people. It has a fireplace.”
I laughed, “Well, two friends can only share an apartment if there’s a fireplace. I agree.” I picked the box up and carried it into the room that was slowly being turned into my own. “I’m sorry by the way. I’m sorry that I ruined your plans of finding your own place, without Marc’s help, because I’m a head case.”
Vero shot me a stern look, frowning at me. “Hanna, don’t you dare. Even though I do think that Sidney has a right to be so upset, I also see why it happened. You need to take a little time and get help. If being here with me will help you with that, I am happy to have you.”
I smiled at her, “Thanks, Vero. I really appreciate it. I know the Dupuis’ weren’t going to kick me out because Sidney and I broke up, but I felt like I couldn’t continue mooching off of his friends. Not when he hates me.”
“Sidney doesn’t hate you,” Vero corrected me. “He’s only so sad because he sees that this break is best for you. And I think that a part of him knew that you weren’t ready to live with him. Give him a little bit of time to deal with this and he’ll be back to calling you and asking how you are.” She sighed, putting both hands on her hips and glancing around at the apartment. “Well, I think that we have had made good progress. Do you want to take a break and maybe get some food to eat?”
I wiped the palm of my hands on my jeans and nodded. “Yes, I would love to eat something. I’m starving.”
She nodded, turning to grab her purse and accidentally knocking over a bag of my things, causing my pictures from my family trip, a few tubes of lip gloss, some books and my cell phone, immediately apologizing and bending down to pick up everything she had knocked over.
“Don’t even worry about it,” I assured her, helping to gather up the bags belongings.
Vero let out a soft gasp from beside me, causing me to turn and glance at her. “Hanna, who took these?” She asked, lifting up one of the pictures of baby Alison and looking at me expectantly.
I glanced at the picture, stacking up the few books that had fallen. “I did. Cameron and Elizabeth bought me a camera while I was there, and I pretty much spent all of my time taking pictures.”
She nodded, looking at a few more pictures. “Hanna, you are a wonderful photograph.”
I tried not to laugh at her improper English, instead smiling. “Thanks, Vero.”
“No, I mean it,” she said, standing back up and looking through a few more of the pictures before looking back up at me. “I actually could use your help. I need someone to take head shots of me.”
“Head shots? For what?” I asked, putting the books back into the bag.
She gave me an embarrassed glance, looking back down at the counter. “Well, I’m thinking of maybe doing some modeling.”
“What? Vero, that’s amazing. You’re totally perfect for that, you’re all tall and gorgeous. Are you sure you want me to take the pictures?” I asked her.
“I’m sure. I’ll even pay you, if you want,” she bargained.
I laughed, “Your family is going to pay my rent, I swear. With my job at your dad’s bakery and you paying me to take pictures.”
She only smiled. “Come on, let’s go get food, and then we can see when picture time can happen.”
--------------------------
The apartment that Vero and I were living in was quite a change from the Dupuis basement. Aside from the fact that I had to take an elevator up three stories, there was the new layout, which had the kitchen across my room instead of beside the living room as I had grown accustomed too, and a decent sized living room, which was the first thing you saw when you walked in, a bathroom in between Vero and I’s room, and no long hallway like I had in my basement suite. Even though I had lived alone there, being alone in the apartment was almost spooky. We weren’t even completely moved in, given, it had only been a few days, but with Vero having a few days off, I had grown used to her company already. My shifts at the bakery started early, meaning I was home early and left alone for long stretches of time. It gave me far too much time to think about the last week, and how I had gone from starting to mend things with my brother, and having an incredible boyfriend who wanted to move in with me, to being miserable, about to start counselling, and living with a French girl who, even though she was all kinds of sweet, didn’t understand my love of Wheel Of Fortune.
I flopped down on the couch, letting out a long sigh as I grabbed the remote, trying to distract myself from how many changes were occurring around me. My parents had no idea about any of the sudden changes, especially Sidney since they were so in love with him, and now that Peyton had to fly back out to Vancouver, I had been living in my head too much. Trying to keep myself from focusing on the fact that Sidney hadn’t spoken to me since I left the mansion he had bought in tears and asked Max to come pick me up, I began flipping through all the channels, trying to find something to amuse me. Just as I had seemed to settle on a re-run of [I]Wizards of Waverly place[/I], there was a knock at the door.
I had to stretch before I was able to walk towards the door, my ponytail stuck in the back of my shirt, making me reach back and fix it as I pulled open the door, freezing mid-motion as I looked up at Sidney’s blank face, my breath catching in my throat and my mind seeming to just lose track of itself as I stared up at him. “Sidney. I didn’t think you’d want to see me.”
He rolled his jaw, looking past me and not at me. “I didn’t. Max drove me here and said I had to talk to you.”
I felt my shoulders sag down, my eyes dropping from him and to the floor. “Oh.” I cleared my throat, “Well, I can tell Max that you came here and we talked everything out if you just want to leave.”
He nodded, “Thanks,” he turned away from me and made his way back down the hall towards the elevators, making me suck my bottom lip in as I was suddenly hit with a wave of emotions again.
I shut the door, wiping away the few tears that were leaking down my face before I leaned against the wall, trying to compose myself so I could walk back over to the living room.
I knew that it was my fault that Sidney wasn’t a fan of mine anymore, but I hadn’t expected him to actually avoid talking to me when I was right in front of him. Seeing him just turn away from me without a second thought, it was enough to just about break me.
Another knock on the door caused me to push myself away from the wall, wipe my face and tug the door open, just about crying again when I saw that it was Sidney once more.
He sighed, “I’m sorry. I’m still…. I’m still trying to decide how I feel, and even though I’m still really mad at you, I shouldn’t have done that.”
I nodded, unable to say anything more to him and choosing to step aside and let him come into the apartment instead. Sidney brushed past me, not even bothering to take off his shoes, and paused to glance around the apartment before he sat down in the armchair, waiting for me to shut the door and sit across from him on the couch before sighing. “So, what’s your plan now?” He asked.
I chewed in the inside of my cheek for a second, not able to meet his gaze. “I’m starting counselling next week to deal with Alissa’s death and my family’s trouble, and I’m going to go back to doing photography for fun. I’d forgotten about how much I loved taking pictures until I was in PEI.”
He nodded, rubbing his hands together. “Well, I’m really happy for you,” he said, standing up from the chair.
I stood up, too. “Sidney,” I started, watching as he hesitated before turning back to me. “I’m sorry. I should have told you that I wasn’t ready, but I wanted to be. I wanted to be ready for everything, for you. But I wasn’t, and I wish I could tell you why I wasn’t, and I’m sure you already know this, but it was completely me. I hate to be this person, but, it wasn’t you. It was me.”
Sidney took in a big breath of air, the kind that seemed to puff his chest out even more, before sighing. “I’m only this mad because you kept telling me that you were okay, and when I told you that I had thought about marrying you, you didn’t tell me that hearing that scared you. Why didn’t you tell me that you couldn’t think that far ahead? After everything I told you, about how hard it is for me to open up to people and how much I wanted to know about you and be there for you, and you couldn’t even tell me that you had these fears?”
“I didn’t want to have them,” I tried to explain. “Sidney, I’ve been running from how much hurt and guilt Alissa’s death put on me since it happened eight years ago. I came here to deal with it, to try and figure out my life. I knew I wanted you in my life, but because I don’t have the other pieces, I didn’t know where you would fit in. It scared me to hear that you had already fit me into yours.”
He gave a half shrug. “Maybe this is for the best. I’m going back to Nova Scotia for the off season, so you won’t have to worry about me showing up and being a jerk to you, again.” He kidded.
I smiled, crossing my arms. “You’re not a jerk, Sidney. You’re a great guy.” I pursed my lips, looking away from him. “And, if you find some other girl in the off season-”
“Sop that,” he said, surprising me when he reached out and pulled me into him. When he let go of me he sighed, putting his hands into his pocket and seeming to scan over my face for a moment before he turned and headed towards the door, pausing on his way out to say, “Bye Hanna.”
It was my turn to shrug as I rubbed my hand back and forth against the carpet, not looking up at Peyton. “I wanted to be ready. I didn’t want to carry around these issues anymore, and I love Sidney. I wanted to prove to everyone that they were wrong, and we weren’t going to fast, and… it all made sense when I packed everything.”
Peyton nodded, blowing her bangs away from her face and studying me for another moment before asking, “What are you going to do now?”
I let out a long breath of air, picking at some loose threads in the carpet as I shrugged, finally lifting up my tired eyes to look at her. “I’m getting counselling. And, I’m moving in with Vero, she’s planning to transfer out here to Pittsburgh University, so we’re getting an apartment together. I’m going to keep working at the bakery until something better comes up, and hope that one day Sidney will speak to me again.”
“So, in short, you’re not even sure?” Peyton asked.
“Not really. I know I need counselling. I mean, I was ready to just throw my life and problems at Sidney and hope he would deal with it for me. I see now that you have to deal with it yourself. I can’t ignore it anymore.”
“I’m glad you see that,” Peyton told me, scooting closer to me. “Hanna, I know that you’re really upset and confused right now, but it’s not bad to step away from some things in order to sort yourself out. The point of you coming out to Pittsburgh wasn’t to date Sidney Crosby, it was to find some head space.”
I nodded, forcing a smile at her. “Well, all I have is space now, right?”
“Don’t get all melodramatic on me, Hanna,” Peyton laughed, earning a genuine smirk out of me. “This is going to be okay. You’ll get help, you’ll move out of Pascal’s basement, you’ll figure out what you want to do with your life.” She paused, putting a hand on my shoulder. “And Sid just needs to calm down. It might take him a few days, but you know he’s not the type to cut you out of his life. He’ll want to make sure you’re okay.”
I nodded, trying to convince myself that I believed her.
---------------------------------
“Hanna, stop sulking,” Vero ordered, making me jump away from the box I was about to pick up. “We have unpacking to do.”
“I have unpacking to do,” I corrected. “You told me you were looking for a place, not that you had one.”
She smiled, “Well, Marc-Andre bought me this place. I was trying to find my own place because I feel bad just accepting things from him, but this is the best apartment for two people. It has a fireplace.”
I laughed, “Well, two friends can only share an apartment if there’s a fireplace. I agree.” I picked the box up and carried it into the room that was slowly being turned into my own. “I’m sorry by the way. I’m sorry that I ruined your plans of finding your own place, without Marc’s help, because I’m a head case.”
Vero shot me a stern look, frowning at me. “Hanna, don’t you dare. Even though I do think that Sidney has a right to be so upset, I also see why it happened. You need to take a little time and get help. If being here with me will help you with that, I am happy to have you.”
I smiled at her, “Thanks, Vero. I really appreciate it. I know the Dupuis’ weren’t going to kick me out because Sidney and I broke up, but I felt like I couldn’t continue mooching off of his friends. Not when he hates me.”
“Sidney doesn’t hate you,” Vero corrected me. “He’s only so sad because he sees that this break is best for you. And I think that a part of him knew that you weren’t ready to live with him. Give him a little bit of time to deal with this and he’ll be back to calling you and asking how you are.” She sighed, putting both hands on her hips and glancing around at the apartment. “Well, I think that we have had made good progress. Do you want to take a break and maybe get some food to eat?”
I wiped the palm of my hands on my jeans and nodded. “Yes, I would love to eat something. I’m starving.”
She nodded, turning to grab her purse and accidentally knocking over a bag of my things, causing my pictures from my family trip, a few tubes of lip gloss, some books and my cell phone, immediately apologizing and bending down to pick up everything she had knocked over.
“Don’t even worry about it,” I assured her, helping to gather up the bags belongings.
Vero let out a soft gasp from beside me, causing me to turn and glance at her. “Hanna, who took these?” She asked, lifting up one of the pictures of baby Alison and looking at me expectantly.
I glanced at the picture, stacking up the few books that had fallen. “I did. Cameron and Elizabeth bought me a camera while I was there, and I pretty much spent all of my time taking pictures.”
She nodded, looking at a few more pictures. “Hanna, you are a wonderful photograph.”
I tried not to laugh at her improper English, instead smiling. “Thanks, Vero.”
“No, I mean it,” she said, standing back up and looking through a few more of the pictures before looking back up at me. “I actually could use your help. I need someone to take head shots of me.”
“Head shots? For what?” I asked, putting the books back into the bag.
She gave me an embarrassed glance, looking back down at the counter. “Well, I’m thinking of maybe doing some modeling.”
“What? Vero, that’s amazing. You’re totally perfect for that, you’re all tall and gorgeous. Are you sure you want me to take the pictures?” I asked her.
“I’m sure. I’ll even pay you, if you want,” she bargained.
I laughed, “Your family is going to pay my rent, I swear. With my job at your dad’s bakery and you paying me to take pictures.”
She only smiled. “Come on, let’s go get food, and then we can see when picture time can happen.”
--------------------------
The apartment that Vero and I were living in was quite a change from the Dupuis basement. Aside from the fact that I had to take an elevator up three stories, there was the new layout, which had the kitchen across my room instead of beside the living room as I had grown accustomed too, and a decent sized living room, which was the first thing you saw when you walked in, a bathroom in between Vero and I’s room, and no long hallway like I had in my basement suite. Even though I had lived alone there, being alone in the apartment was almost spooky. We weren’t even completely moved in, given, it had only been a few days, but with Vero having a few days off, I had grown used to her company already. My shifts at the bakery started early, meaning I was home early and left alone for long stretches of time. It gave me far too much time to think about the last week, and how I had gone from starting to mend things with my brother, and having an incredible boyfriend who wanted to move in with me, to being miserable, about to start counselling, and living with a French girl who, even though she was all kinds of sweet, didn’t understand my love of Wheel Of Fortune.
I flopped down on the couch, letting out a long sigh as I grabbed the remote, trying to distract myself from how many changes were occurring around me. My parents had no idea about any of the sudden changes, especially Sidney since they were so in love with him, and now that Peyton had to fly back out to Vancouver, I had been living in my head too much. Trying to keep myself from focusing on the fact that Sidney hadn’t spoken to me since I left the mansion he had bought in tears and asked Max to come pick me up, I began flipping through all the channels, trying to find something to amuse me. Just as I had seemed to settle on a re-run of [I]Wizards of Waverly place[/I], there was a knock at the door.
I had to stretch before I was able to walk towards the door, my ponytail stuck in the back of my shirt, making me reach back and fix it as I pulled open the door, freezing mid-motion as I looked up at Sidney’s blank face, my breath catching in my throat and my mind seeming to just lose track of itself as I stared up at him. “Sidney. I didn’t think you’d want to see me.”
He rolled his jaw, looking past me and not at me. “I didn’t. Max drove me here and said I had to talk to you.”
I felt my shoulders sag down, my eyes dropping from him and to the floor. “Oh.” I cleared my throat, “Well, I can tell Max that you came here and we talked everything out if you just want to leave.”
He nodded, “Thanks,” he turned away from me and made his way back down the hall towards the elevators, making me suck my bottom lip in as I was suddenly hit with a wave of emotions again.
I shut the door, wiping away the few tears that were leaking down my face before I leaned against the wall, trying to compose myself so I could walk back over to the living room.
I knew that it was my fault that Sidney wasn’t a fan of mine anymore, but I hadn’t expected him to actually avoid talking to me when I was right in front of him. Seeing him just turn away from me without a second thought, it was enough to just about break me.
Another knock on the door caused me to push myself away from the wall, wipe my face and tug the door open, just about crying again when I saw that it was Sidney once more.
He sighed, “I’m sorry. I’m still…. I’m still trying to decide how I feel, and even though I’m still really mad at you, I shouldn’t have done that.”
I nodded, unable to say anything more to him and choosing to step aside and let him come into the apartment instead. Sidney brushed past me, not even bothering to take off his shoes, and paused to glance around the apartment before he sat down in the armchair, waiting for me to shut the door and sit across from him on the couch before sighing. “So, what’s your plan now?” He asked.
I chewed in the inside of my cheek for a second, not able to meet his gaze. “I’m starting counselling next week to deal with Alissa’s death and my family’s trouble, and I’m going to go back to doing photography for fun. I’d forgotten about how much I loved taking pictures until I was in PEI.”
He nodded, rubbing his hands together. “Well, I’m really happy for you,” he said, standing up from the chair.
I stood up, too. “Sidney,” I started, watching as he hesitated before turning back to me. “I’m sorry. I should have told you that I wasn’t ready, but I wanted to be. I wanted to be ready for everything, for you. But I wasn’t, and I wish I could tell you why I wasn’t, and I’m sure you already know this, but it was completely me. I hate to be this person, but, it wasn’t you. It was me.”
Sidney took in a big breath of air, the kind that seemed to puff his chest out even more, before sighing. “I’m only this mad because you kept telling me that you were okay, and when I told you that I had thought about marrying you, you didn’t tell me that hearing that scared you. Why didn’t you tell me that you couldn’t think that far ahead? After everything I told you, about how hard it is for me to open up to people and how much I wanted to know about you and be there for you, and you couldn’t even tell me that you had these fears?”
“I didn’t want to have them,” I tried to explain. “Sidney, I’ve been running from how much hurt and guilt Alissa’s death put on me since it happened eight years ago. I came here to deal with it, to try and figure out my life. I knew I wanted you in my life, but because I don’t have the other pieces, I didn’t know where you would fit in. It scared me to hear that you had already fit me into yours.”
He gave a half shrug. “Maybe this is for the best. I’m going back to Nova Scotia for the off season, so you won’t have to worry about me showing up and being a jerk to you, again.” He kidded.
I smiled, crossing my arms. “You’re not a jerk, Sidney. You’re a great guy.” I pursed my lips, looking away from him. “And, if you find some other girl in the off season-”
“Sop that,” he said, surprising me when he reached out and pulled me into him. When he let go of me he sighed, putting his hands into his pocket and seeming to scan over my face for a moment before he turned and headed towards the door, pausing on his way out to say, “Bye Hanna.”
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Time
Cameron and I drove in silence back to the house, my parents having left earlier to get some sleep. Elizabeth would have to stay overnight, along with the tiny little baby, leaving Cameron and I to have to drive back together.
I had my head against the window, watching as the moisture from my breath fogged up a tiny space on the window for a few seconds before disappearing until my next breath. Cameron and I hadn’t uttered a single word to each other since he had told me that Elizabeth was in labour, and even though I was trying to act as if I didn’t notice the thick smoke of tension suffocating us, it was, well, suffocating.
Cameron let out a loud breath of air and glanced over at me as the car came to a brief stop at a red light. “So, are we just not talking ever again?”
I shrugged, still with my face pressed against the window, voicing no response.
Cameron tightened his grip on the steering wheel and seemed to take a deep breath before speaking again. “I’m sorry for upsetting you,” he began, having to move his attention back to the road as the light changed. “I wasn’t trying to tell you that Sidney was a bad guy, or even that you were making the wrong choices. I just don’t want you to have to look back at this relationship and wish that you hadn’t gone so far, if the relationship doesn’t work out.” He stopped, his eyes widening as he turned to look at me quickly. “Not that I’m saying I think it won’t work out I’m just…I’m just saying.”
I lifted my head up from the window and looked over at him, twisting my mouth to the side for a moment before letting out a soft, probably inaudible, sigh. “I get that. It’s just that it feels like everyone thinks that I’m too young to know what’s best for me. And I just, I’m still having a hard time listening to your advice. I can see that you’re not the same, but I’m still really affected by the past.”
“That’s why I’m worried,” he tried to explain. “Hanna, so much has happened to you. Losing your best friend, who’s also part of your family, that’s hard. And when you’re stupid brother blames you for it, it probably doesn’t help.”
I only nodded, my attention falling to my folded hands in my laps.
Cameron was silent for a few moments before he quietly said, “I don’t want you to leave in a couple of days and still hate me. I don’t want you to think that I still view you as some immature little girl who can’t make up her own mind.”
“What do you want me to think, then?” I asked, looking up at him.
The car came to a stop as we had pulled into the driveway of his house, allowing him to turn and look at me. “I want you to think-no, I want you to [I]know[/I] that I think you’re growing up to be one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known, and the only reason I’m so concerned about your relationship is because I don’t want this spirit in you to be lost in heart ache. I believe Sidney is a great guy, and I don’t doubt that you love him and he loves you,” Cameron explained, studying my face to make sure he hadn’t lost me, “I just don’t want you to give more than you’re ready to to him, and look back on this with regret. If Sidney is as amazing as I’ve heard he is, he’ll understand if you ask him to slow things down a bit.”
There was a part of me that was still angered at the mention of Sidney and I moving too fast, even those same fears were emerging in my own mind. At the same time, I could see that Cameron had never intended to set something off inside of the me the way he had. Sitting there, with the inside car light reflecting off of his face, I could see the pain Cameron felt. I could see the remorse in his eyes when he mentioned Alissa and how he had blamed me. I could hear the fear at me losing myself in a relationship that I might not be ready for in his voice when he spoke, and he looked at me expectantly, waiting to hear what I would say back, I could see that the Cameron I had grown to hate was no longer there, and that the man sitting next to me hated him just as much as I had. He had changed. He had taken the time to deal with his issues, to take steps in a better direction, to find his place in life. And the reason he was so worried about me was because he could see it clearer than anyone else;
I hadn’t yet.
I didn’t know what to say to back him. Instead of even attempting, I reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a small squeeze, and smiled. “Thanks.”
Cameron nodded back, the two of us finally climbing out of the car and heading back inside to sleep before he would be leaving to go see his new daughter, and I would be calling the airline to see if I could change my flight and head back to Pittsburgh sooner than I had planned.
------------------------------------
“What did they name her?” Peyton asked me again, yawning beside me.
“Alison. Alison Jane Ashton,” I answered, smiling faintly. “She was the tiniest, sweetest little thing I had ever seen, Peyton, I swear. I can hardly believe that Cameron was involved in creating her, she was just so lovely.”
Peyton smiled, unlocking the back of her car and letting me toss my bag in. “That’s so amazing, you being an aunt. I wish I had been there to see the little cutie.”
“Oh, don’t even worry, I took a gazillion pictures of her,” I told her, grinning. “That camera Liz and Cameron bought me certainly got used the last week. I have four packages of photos already.”
“Wow, way to be an over-achiever. Sidney’s rubbing off on you.” She glanced at me, “Speaking of which, have you talked to him since he told you he wanted to marry you and you basically hung up on him?”
“I had to hang up, Alison had just been born,” I reminded her. “I called him to tell him that the baby was here and safe, and I told him her name and weight, and then told him I was going tog et some sleep, book a flight home and I loved him.”
“So, he’s sitting at the big empty house he bought thinking you’d live in it with him wondering if he just dropped a million dollars on a house he’ll be living alone in?” Peyton asked, nodding. “You’re a great person, Hanna.”
“He didn’t sound too upset when I talked to him,” I said, trying to make myself feel better.
“Yeah, but you probably only let him get three words in before you claimed you had to go. Hanna, I saw him yesterday, and he’s not fine. He’s not bad, but he’s certainly worried that you’re going to show up and dump him.”
I whipped my head to the side so I was looking at Peyton, who was waiting for a car to get out of her way so she could back up from the parking spot. “What? Why would I do that?”
“Why would you stay with a guy that you’re afraid to picture a future with?” Peyton asked back. “Hanna, the guy told you that he planned to marry you one day, and you replied with, ‘I have to go , the babies here.’ Then you don’t even bring it up the next time you talk to him. Of course he’s worried.”
“But, I don’t want to break up with Sidney. I love Sidney,” I argued.
“Tell him that. You could just admit that you’re scared to think too far into the future. He’d understand. He’d be crushed, but he’d still understand, he’s Sidney. He’s the king of understanding everything,” Peyton reminded me, glancing at me occasionally as she drove. “Right now the guy thinks he’s scared you off. You have to tell him something.”
I nodded, looking out the window with a sigh.
----------------------------
Peyton eyed me cautiously as I walked around my basement suite, moving in and out of each room before I stopped in the hallway leading to the bathroom, placing both hands on my hips and pursing my lips out as I took in the whole basement. My eyes scanned past every wall, every speck of the carpet, before I walked into the living room where Peyton was, stopping a few feet away from the couch she was on.
“Should I move out of this place and into Sidney’s house?” I asked.
Peyton shrugged. “Have you seen Sid’s place, yet?” I shook my head, no. “It’s huge. Like, pretty sure you could get lost in it, it’s just ridiculous. But it’s really nice. The kitchen in it, Hanna, is amazing. You could just bake in there all day. He wouldn’t eat any of it, but I don’t think that that should stop you. And there’s a huge backyard where he’s already planning on putting in a barbeque and holding team parties there. The whole living room has hardwood floors, which I know you love, and he told me that you could paint any room whatever colour you wanted.” She paused, watching my face as I thought over what she had just told me. “But, if you can’t imagine marry Sidney, why would you move in with him? That’s basically being married, in case you didn’t know.”
I glanced down at her, rolling my eyes. “Peyton, I really don’t know what to do. He already bought the place, I can’t tell him I don’t want to move in with him now. He’s already getting ready for me to show up with all of my stuff, and now I might just be like, “Hey, just kidding! I’m staying here.’”
Peyton laughed, “If you do change your mind, please let that be your explanation.”
“Peyton!” I whined, sitting down on the edge of the couch.
She sighed, running a hand through her long hair. “What do you want to do Hanna? Don’t worry about what Sidney wants right now. Even if he’s upset at first, he’ll get over it, just worry about what you want. What’s best for you?”
“Sidney. Sidney is what’s best for me,” I replied.
“I understand that that’s how you feel,” Peyton began, “but, listen, the point of you moving out here to Pittsburgh was to help you sort yourself out. I know you opened up to Sidney about Alissa, and I know that you going and visiting your family was really good for you, too, but you still haven’t figured it all out. Take a minute to at least think about whether this is what would help you to set your life in motion, or if it’ll just distract you.”
I nodded, looking around the room again. “It’s just that everyone seems to think that dealing with everything and being with Sidney can’t go hand in hand. I thought the point of leaving Vancouver for awhile was to leave all of those heartaches behind.”
“No, Hanna. You never leave problems behind,” Peyton corrected. “You surround yourself with support so that you have the strength to pick those burdens up, look at them one by one, and eventually toss away the parts that hurt and learn to grow from them. The problem here is that you don’t want Sidney to help you pick these problems up yet, because he already has so much going on in his life.”
I chewed on my lip for a few moments thinking over everything that Peyton had just said and everything that Cameron had said to me the days before. Finally, I stood up from the couch and placed both hands on my hips. “I need to get some boxes.”
Peyton’s eyes fluttered shut for a few seconds as she let out a long breath of air. “Hanna, are you sure?”
“I don’t want to deal with any of this by myself anymore, Peyton. There’s some boxes in the closet by the bathroom. Can you grab them while I call Sidney?”
Peyton shook her head at me but did as I requested, heading over to the closet while I picked up the phone and called Sidney to tell him that I was ready to start moving into his new house.
----------------------------------
“So, this is the other guest room,” Sidney said, opening up what must have been the ninth door and showing me the empty room, “and then down here is the master bedroom,” he said, grinning at me as he opened up the door and let me step into the room, looking over at the bed that was already in there. “I haven’t done too much with it since it’s not just my room.”
I looked around the room, at the big green walls and the giant bathroom attached. “It’s huge. This room is the size of the Dupuis basement.”
Sidney laughed. “Yeah, it’s a lot bigger then my room at Mario’s, too. But I figure we can make it work.”
I nodded, walking over to the closet and pulling open the doors. “I expected this to be bigger,” I spun around to look at him, pointing at him. “Don’t make a ‘that’s what she said’ joke!”
He grinned, winking at me. “Well, I figured that I don’t have a lot of clothes anyways, and if all of your shirts don’t fit in there, I’ll just buy a dresser and you can put the rest of your stuff in there.”
“You’ve just thought this all out, huh?” I joked, walking back over to him. “I only brought my clothes and a few pictures. I don’t really have a lot of stuff. I guess we can take my couches if you want.”
Sidney let out a small chuckle. “No, we’ll buy new furniture.”
I followed him back down the stairs and into the giant kitchen, which was so big and so beautiful that I had actually lost my breath when I first stepped foot into it and it’s shiny black cabinets, mahogany counters and shiny silver fridge and dishwasher. “I thought you went back home to Nova Scotia once the season was done. Why did you buy such a big house?”
Sidney shrugged, leaning back against one of the counters while I sat at the island. “I have a reason to stay in Pittsburgh now. I mean, you can come with me to Cole Harbour and meet everyone, but I’ll only go for a week or two. And if you don’t want to come with me, you can stay here and redecorate. I don’t really care what the place looks like too much,” he said.
I nodded, “I guess I understand that, and also appreciate it,” I said, smiling at him. “It’s the size of it. I mean, an apartment would have been fine. Even just a normal sized house. How am I supposed to clean this?”
He grinned at me. “Well, I could hire someone to clean it. Or you could bribe Vero into helping you out,” he suggested. “And I wanted a big house. I figured the space would be needed when we did get married and eventually started a family.”
I almost fell off of my chair at the sentence, gripping the countertop as I gave my head a shake. “When we do what and what?”
Sidney frowned, confused by my response. “Well, that’s what we’re planning, right? I mean, not now, but, eventually.”
I stood up from the chair, still shaking my head. “I never really thought about it.”
Sidney made a face, watching me as I wrung my hands together. “Hanna, are you okay?”
I lifted a hand up, fanning my suddenly heated face. “I just, I don’t know. All of a sudden I don’t feel so good.”
He moved away from the counter, taking a few steps towards me. “What’s wrong? Did you eat something weird?”
“No it’s…” I stopped, looking up at Sidney and then around at the giant kitchen, the giant house. The house he had bought for the family he was planning on having, on starting, with me. I looked up at Sidney’s concerned face, seeing that all this poor boy wanted to do was make me happy, and it just felt like too much. “I can’t.”
Sidney seemed confused, blinking rapidly as he pulled his head back a bit. “You can’t what?”
I took a shaky breath, stepping away from him. “I can’t move in with you. I knew I couldn’t, but I didn’t want to admit that. I can’t live with you, in this house that you bought so that we could have little babies running around.”
Sidney reached out to touch my arm, his face falling when I moved away from his touch. “Hanna, I’m not expecting you to have kids with me right now. I’m not even 23 yet, I can’t be a dad.”
“But you want them eventually, and I don’t know if I want kids. I don’t know if I want to live in Pittsburgh for the rest of my life. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I can’t move in with you, I can’t make a decision like that when I won’t deal with anything else. I can’t bring all of my baggage in here with me.”
Sidney’s whole face was creased with lines of worry as he listened to me, utter confusion glistening in his eyes as he stared down at me. “How long have you felt like this? I thought something was off when you talked to me in PEI, but you were fine all day.”
“I just…everyone kept telling me that I wasn’t ready for all of this, and I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to admit it because admitting it meant that I hadn’t dealt with it all. I hadn’t dealt with Alissa’s death, with the resentment towards my family. I hadn’t sorted myself out.” I looked up at Sidney, my eyes glistening a bit, but my voice breaking when I saw the panic in Sidney’s eyes. “I can’t be here with you, Sidney. I’ve been using you to distract me from everything, and it was great to have that break from everything that had been haunting me before, but I can’t just keep ignoring it.”
“Then let me help you deal with it,” Sidney said, taking a step towards me. “You don’t have to live with me, just let me help you. What do you need? Counselling? I can pay for that.”
“I don’t know what I need,” I said, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. “I saw my brother, who had been this ugly person when I saw him last, and he had dealt with everything. He was still feeling guilty over what he had said to me, but he was different, better. He and Elizabeth made sure he had dealt with everything and that he was strong enough to carry on and I was looking at him on my last night there and I was… I was envious. I was mad with envy, because he was nothing like he used to be, and I as the same. He had washed away all of those issues, and I was just hiding mine.” I rubbed my eyes, well aware that it had probably caused my mascara to smear. “I think I just need to stop.”
Sidney seemed to not understand what I was saying for a moment before realization hit him and his whole face melted with hurt. “Hanna, no. I can help you. You don’t have to live here with me, but you don’t have to cut me out.”
“I don’t want to cut you out, I just don’t know if I should be in a relationship. I should have never gotten into a relationship. I should have never slept with you, or tried to move in here with you. It’s not fair to you, not when you’re making plans.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “What plans? What are you talking about?”
I reached out and grabbed his hands, looking up at him with glossy eyes. “Sidney, do you see yourself marrying me?”
He didn’t even have to think about it. “Yes. Yes, Hanna, of course I do. Are you kidding me? I’m in love with you! I look at you and all I can do is make plans for us. I want you forever. Not for a few months, forever, because after these few months together, I can’t imagine myself without you.”
I nodded, almost choking on the sobs that wanted to crawl out from my throat. “I don’t. I love you, Sidney, I do. But I don’t see anything. And it’s not you, it’s because I’m not even sure of who I am or what I want yet. I can’t do this when you’re thinking about weddings and babies and I’m still trying to figure out if I actually want to open up my own bakery or just live on the street.”
Sidney pulled his hands out of mine, his face flashing between different emotions. “What are you saying?”
I had to take a moment to make sure I still had control of myself. “I need a break. I do love you, but I need to make it so that I can even imagine the future before I can give myself to someone.”
Sidney stared at me, opening his mouth a few times without any sound accompanying the motion before he turned away from me and left the kitchen, moving out of my sight, and leaving me stand there, the pieces of my character falling around me as my body shook with the pains from not only leaving Sidney, but from every other event that I had tried to hide from.
I had come to Pittsburgh to try and fix myself, and now that it was finally time to, I was terrified.
I had my head against the window, watching as the moisture from my breath fogged up a tiny space on the window for a few seconds before disappearing until my next breath. Cameron and I hadn’t uttered a single word to each other since he had told me that Elizabeth was in labour, and even though I was trying to act as if I didn’t notice the thick smoke of tension suffocating us, it was, well, suffocating.
Cameron let out a loud breath of air and glanced over at me as the car came to a brief stop at a red light. “So, are we just not talking ever again?”
I shrugged, still with my face pressed against the window, voicing no response.
Cameron tightened his grip on the steering wheel and seemed to take a deep breath before speaking again. “I’m sorry for upsetting you,” he began, having to move his attention back to the road as the light changed. “I wasn’t trying to tell you that Sidney was a bad guy, or even that you were making the wrong choices. I just don’t want you to have to look back at this relationship and wish that you hadn’t gone so far, if the relationship doesn’t work out.” He stopped, his eyes widening as he turned to look at me quickly. “Not that I’m saying I think it won’t work out I’m just…I’m just saying.”
I lifted my head up from the window and looked over at him, twisting my mouth to the side for a moment before letting out a soft, probably inaudible, sigh. “I get that. It’s just that it feels like everyone thinks that I’m too young to know what’s best for me. And I just, I’m still having a hard time listening to your advice. I can see that you’re not the same, but I’m still really affected by the past.”
“That’s why I’m worried,” he tried to explain. “Hanna, so much has happened to you. Losing your best friend, who’s also part of your family, that’s hard. And when you’re stupid brother blames you for it, it probably doesn’t help.”
I only nodded, my attention falling to my folded hands in my laps.
Cameron was silent for a few moments before he quietly said, “I don’t want you to leave in a couple of days and still hate me. I don’t want you to think that I still view you as some immature little girl who can’t make up her own mind.”
“What do you want me to think, then?” I asked, looking up at him.
The car came to a stop as we had pulled into the driveway of his house, allowing him to turn and look at me. “I want you to think-no, I want you to [I]know[/I] that I think you’re growing up to be one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known, and the only reason I’m so concerned about your relationship is because I don’t want this spirit in you to be lost in heart ache. I believe Sidney is a great guy, and I don’t doubt that you love him and he loves you,” Cameron explained, studying my face to make sure he hadn’t lost me, “I just don’t want you to give more than you’re ready to to him, and look back on this with regret. If Sidney is as amazing as I’ve heard he is, he’ll understand if you ask him to slow things down a bit.”
There was a part of me that was still angered at the mention of Sidney and I moving too fast, even those same fears were emerging in my own mind. At the same time, I could see that Cameron had never intended to set something off inside of the me the way he had. Sitting there, with the inside car light reflecting off of his face, I could see the pain Cameron felt. I could see the remorse in his eyes when he mentioned Alissa and how he had blamed me. I could hear the fear at me losing myself in a relationship that I might not be ready for in his voice when he spoke, and he looked at me expectantly, waiting to hear what I would say back, I could see that the Cameron I had grown to hate was no longer there, and that the man sitting next to me hated him just as much as I had. He had changed. He had taken the time to deal with his issues, to take steps in a better direction, to find his place in life. And the reason he was so worried about me was because he could see it clearer than anyone else;
I hadn’t yet.
I didn’t know what to say to back him. Instead of even attempting, I reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a small squeeze, and smiled. “Thanks.”
Cameron nodded back, the two of us finally climbing out of the car and heading back inside to sleep before he would be leaving to go see his new daughter, and I would be calling the airline to see if I could change my flight and head back to Pittsburgh sooner than I had planned.
------------------------------------
“What did they name her?” Peyton asked me again, yawning beside me.
“Alison. Alison Jane Ashton,” I answered, smiling faintly. “She was the tiniest, sweetest little thing I had ever seen, Peyton, I swear. I can hardly believe that Cameron was involved in creating her, she was just so lovely.”
Peyton smiled, unlocking the back of her car and letting me toss my bag in. “That’s so amazing, you being an aunt. I wish I had been there to see the little cutie.”
“Oh, don’t even worry, I took a gazillion pictures of her,” I told her, grinning. “That camera Liz and Cameron bought me certainly got used the last week. I have four packages of photos already.”
“Wow, way to be an over-achiever. Sidney’s rubbing off on you.” She glanced at me, “Speaking of which, have you talked to him since he told you he wanted to marry you and you basically hung up on him?”
“I had to hang up, Alison had just been born,” I reminded her. “I called him to tell him that the baby was here and safe, and I told him her name and weight, and then told him I was going tog et some sleep, book a flight home and I loved him.”
“So, he’s sitting at the big empty house he bought thinking you’d live in it with him wondering if he just dropped a million dollars on a house he’ll be living alone in?” Peyton asked, nodding. “You’re a great person, Hanna.”
“He didn’t sound too upset when I talked to him,” I said, trying to make myself feel better.
“Yeah, but you probably only let him get three words in before you claimed you had to go. Hanna, I saw him yesterday, and he’s not fine. He’s not bad, but he’s certainly worried that you’re going to show up and dump him.”
I whipped my head to the side so I was looking at Peyton, who was waiting for a car to get out of her way so she could back up from the parking spot. “What? Why would I do that?”
“Why would you stay with a guy that you’re afraid to picture a future with?” Peyton asked back. “Hanna, the guy told you that he planned to marry you one day, and you replied with, ‘I have to go , the babies here.’ Then you don’t even bring it up the next time you talk to him. Of course he’s worried.”
“But, I don’t want to break up with Sidney. I love Sidney,” I argued.
“Tell him that. You could just admit that you’re scared to think too far into the future. He’d understand. He’d be crushed, but he’d still understand, he’s Sidney. He’s the king of understanding everything,” Peyton reminded me, glancing at me occasionally as she drove. “Right now the guy thinks he’s scared you off. You have to tell him something.”
I nodded, looking out the window with a sigh.
----------------------------
Peyton eyed me cautiously as I walked around my basement suite, moving in and out of each room before I stopped in the hallway leading to the bathroom, placing both hands on my hips and pursing my lips out as I took in the whole basement. My eyes scanned past every wall, every speck of the carpet, before I walked into the living room where Peyton was, stopping a few feet away from the couch she was on.
“Should I move out of this place and into Sidney’s house?” I asked.
Peyton shrugged. “Have you seen Sid’s place, yet?” I shook my head, no. “It’s huge. Like, pretty sure you could get lost in it, it’s just ridiculous. But it’s really nice. The kitchen in it, Hanna, is amazing. You could just bake in there all day. He wouldn’t eat any of it, but I don’t think that that should stop you. And there’s a huge backyard where he’s already planning on putting in a barbeque and holding team parties there. The whole living room has hardwood floors, which I know you love, and he told me that you could paint any room whatever colour you wanted.” She paused, watching my face as I thought over what she had just told me. “But, if you can’t imagine marry Sidney, why would you move in with him? That’s basically being married, in case you didn’t know.”
I glanced down at her, rolling my eyes. “Peyton, I really don’t know what to do. He already bought the place, I can’t tell him I don’t want to move in with him now. He’s already getting ready for me to show up with all of my stuff, and now I might just be like, “Hey, just kidding! I’m staying here.’”
Peyton laughed, “If you do change your mind, please let that be your explanation.”
“Peyton!” I whined, sitting down on the edge of the couch.
She sighed, running a hand through her long hair. “What do you want to do Hanna? Don’t worry about what Sidney wants right now. Even if he’s upset at first, he’ll get over it, just worry about what you want. What’s best for you?”
“Sidney. Sidney is what’s best for me,” I replied.
“I understand that that’s how you feel,” Peyton began, “but, listen, the point of you moving out here to Pittsburgh was to help you sort yourself out. I know you opened up to Sidney about Alissa, and I know that you going and visiting your family was really good for you, too, but you still haven’t figured it all out. Take a minute to at least think about whether this is what would help you to set your life in motion, or if it’ll just distract you.”
I nodded, looking around the room again. “It’s just that everyone seems to think that dealing with everything and being with Sidney can’t go hand in hand. I thought the point of leaving Vancouver for awhile was to leave all of those heartaches behind.”
“No, Hanna. You never leave problems behind,” Peyton corrected. “You surround yourself with support so that you have the strength to pick those burdens up, look at them one by one, and eventually toss away the parts that hurt and learn to grow from them. The problem here is that you don’t want Sidney to help you pick these problems up yet, because he already has so much going on in his life.”
I chewed on my lip for a few moments thinking over everything that Peyton had just said and everything that Cameron had said to me the days before. Finally, I stood up from the couch and placed both hands on my hips. “I need to get some boxes.”
Peyton’s eyes fluttered shut for a few seconds as she let out a long breath of air. “Hanna, are you sure?”
“I don’t want to deal with any of this by myself anymore, Peyton. There’s some boxes in the closet by the bathroom. Can you grab them while I call Sidney?”
Peyton shook her head at me but did as I requested, heading over to the closet while I picked up the phone and called Sidney to tell him that I was ready to start moving into his new house.
----------------------------------
“So, this is the other guest room,” Sidney said, opening up what must have been the ninth door and showing me the empty room, “and then down here is the master bedroom,” he said, grinning at me as he opened up the door and let me step into the room, looking over at the bed that was already in there. “I haven’t done too much with it since it’s not just my room.”
I looked around the room, at the big green walls and the giant bathroom attached. “It’s huge. This room is the size of the Dupuis basement.”
Sidney laughed. “Yeah, it’s a lot bigger then my room at Mario’s, too. But I figure we can make it work.”
I nodded, walking over to the closet and pulling open the doors. “I expected this to be bigger,” I spun around to look at him, pointing at him. “Don’t make a ‘that’s what she said’ joke!”
He grinned, winking at me. “Well, I figured that I don’t have a lot of clothes anyways, and if all of your shirts don’t fit in there, I’ll just buy a dresser and you can put the rest of your stuff in there.”
“You’ve just thought this all out, huh?” I joked, walking back over to him. “I only brought my clothes and a few pictures. I don’t really have a lot of stuff. I guess we can take my couches if you want.”
Sidney let out a small chuckle. “No, we’ll buy new furniture.”
I followed him back down the stairs and into the giant kitchen, which was so big and so beautiful that I had actually lost my breath when I first stepped foot into it and it’s shiny black cabinets, mahogany counters and shiny silver fridge and dishwasher. “I thought you went back home to Nova Scotia once the season was done. Why did you buy such a big house?”
Sidney shrugged, leaning back against one of the counters while I sat at the island. “I have a reason to stay in Pittsburgh now. I mean, you can come with me to Cole Harbour and meet everyone, but I’ll only go for a week or two. And if you don’t want to come with me, you can stay here and redecorate. I don’t really care what the place looks like too much,” he said.
I nodded, “I guess I understand that, and also appreciate it,” I said, smiling at him. “It’s the size of it. I mean, an apartment would have been fine. Even just a normal sized house. How am I supposed to clean this?”
He grinned at me. “Well, I could hire someone to clean it. Or you could bribe Vero into helping you out,” he suggested. “And I wanted a big house. I figured the space would be needed when we did get married and eventually started a family.”
I almost fell off of my chair at the sentence, gripping the countertop as I gave my head a shake. “When we do what and what?”
Sidney frowned, confused by my response. “Well, that’s what we’re planning, right? I mean, not now, but, eventually.”
I stood up from the chair, still shaking my head. “I never really thought about it.”
Sidney made a face, watching me as I wrung my hands together. “Hanna, are you okay?”
I lifted a hand up, fanning my suddenly heated face. “I just, I don’t know. All of a sudden I don’t feel so good.”
He moved away from the counter, taking a few steps towards me. “What’s wrong? Did you eat something weird?”
“No it’s…” I stopped, looking up at Sidney and then around at the giant kitchen, the giant house. The house he had bought for the family he was planning on having, on starting, with me. I looked up at Sidney’s concerned face, seeing that all this poor boy wanted to do was make me happy, and it just felt like too much. “I can’t.”
Sidney seemed confused, blinking rapidly as he pulled his head back a bit. “You can’t what?”
I took a shaky breath, stepping away from him. “I can’t move in with you. I knew I couldn’t, but I didn’t want to admit that. I can’t live with you, in this house that you bought so that we could have little babies running around.”
Sidney reached out to touch my arm, his face falling when I moved away from his touch. “Hanna, I’m not expecting you to have kids with me right now. I’m not even 23 yet, I can’t be a dad.”
“But you want them eventually, and I don’t know if I want kids. I don’t know if I want to live in Pittsburgh for the rest of my life. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I can’t move in with you, I can’t make a decision like that when I won’t deal with anything else. I can’t bring all of my baggage in here with me.”
Sidney’s whole face was creased with lines of worry as he listened to me, utter confusion glistening in his eyes as he stared down at me. “How long have you felt like this? I thought something was off when you talked to me in PEI, but you were fine all day.”
“I just…everyone kept telling me that I wasn’t ready for all of this, and I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to admit it because admitting it meant that I hadn’t dealt with it all. I hadn’t dealt with Alissa’s death, with the resentment towards my family. I hadn’t sorted myself out.” I looked up at Sidney, my eyes glistening a bit, but my voice breaking when I saw the panic in Sidney’s eyes. “I can’t be here with you, Sidney. I’ve been using you to distract me from everything, and it was great to have that break from everything that had been haunting me before, but I can’t just keep ignoring it.”
“Then let me help you deal with it,” Sidney said, taking a step towards me. “You don’t have to live with me, just let me help you. What do you need? Counselling? I can pay for that.”
“I don’t know what I need,” I said, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. “I saw my brother, who had been this ugly person when I saw him last, and he had dealt with everything. He was still feeling guilty over what he had said to me, but he was different, better. He and Elizabeth made sure he had dealt with everything and that he was strong enough to carry on and I was looking at him on my last night there and I was… I was envious. I was mad with envy, because he was nothing like he used to be, and I as the same. He had washed away all of those issues, and I was just hiding mine.” I rubbed my eyes, well aware that it had probably caused my mascara to smear. “I think I just need to stop.”
Sidney seemed to not understand what I was saying for a moment before realization hit him and his whole face melted with hurt. “Hanna, no. I can help you. You don’t have to live here with me, but you don’t have to cut me out.”
“I don’t want to cut you out, I just don’t know if I should be in a relationship. I should have never gotten into a relationship. I should have never slept with you, or tried to move in here with you. It’s not fair to you, not when you’re making plans.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “What plans? What are you talking about?”
I reached out and grabbed his hands, looking up at him with glossy eyes. “Sidney, do you see yourself marrying me?”
He didn’t even have to think about it. “Yes. Yes, Hanna, of course I do. Are you kidding me? I’m in love with you! I look at you and all I can do is make plans for us. I want you forever. Not for a few months, forever, because after these few months together, I can’t imagine myself without you.”
I nodded, almost choking on the sobs that wanted to crawl out from my throat. “I don’t. I love you, Sidney, I do. But I don’t see anything. And it’s not you, it’s because I’m not even sure of who I am or what I want yet. I can’t do this when you’re thinking about weddings and babies and I’m still trying to figure out if I actually want to open up my own bakery or just live on the street.”
Sidney pulled his hands out of mine, his face flashing between different emotions. “What are you saying?”
I had to take a moment to make sure I still had control of myself. “I need a break. I do love you, but I need to make it so that I can even imagine the future before I can give myself to someone.”
Sidney stared at me, opening his mouth a few times without any sound accompanying the motion before he turned away from me and left the kitchen, moving out of my sight, and leaving me stand there, the pieces of my character falling around me as my body shook with the pains from not only leaving Sidney, but from every other event that I had tried to hide from.
I had come to Pittsburgh to try and fix myself, and now that it was finally time to, I was terrified.
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