Photography

I leaned forward against the railing of the back porch, letting out a yawn as I stared out at the massive backyard at Cameron’s house. He and my dad had spent the day working on a tree house that Cameron had been wanting to build since he and Elizabeth first learned they were expecting. I had been too consumed with my thoughts all day to venture outside and see the progress, but since my non-stop worries and contemplations were preventing me from getting any sleep, I found myself outside in the middle of the night, staring out at the barely started tree house.

“What are you doing up?”

I spun around and let out a sigh when I noticed it was Cameron, leaning back against the porch rail uncomfortably. “I couldn’t sleep. Why are you up?”

He smirked at me, leaning against the door frame. “Same reason.” He eyed me for a moment, making me look down at my bare feet nervously. Even though he had sworn to me that he wasn’t the same jerk that he had been just a year or so ago, and even though he had been nothing but pleasant to me, I was still completely uncomfortable around Cameron. I wasn’t sure I believed that he had had some epic change of heart after learning that he would be a dad, and even I was, I still didn’t know him at all. It was completely unnatural to just sit around and talk, which was what he had been trying to do since I had first arrived.

Cameron cleared his throat, making me lift my eyes up to look at him briefly before moving them away from his face and over to my reflection in the window across from me. “So, how’s Sidney doing in the playoffs?”

My eyes shot back to him, the surprise of him knowing about Sidney and I evident all over my face. “How did you-”

“Please, you think mom could keep her daughter dating everyone’s beloved hockey boy a secret?” He laughed, “Come on, Hanna. Of course I know about it.”

I moved my hands away from the rail so I could cross them in front of me. “He’s alright. I think the pressure of winning the cup again is getting to him, but he’ll push through it.”

Cameron nodded. “How long have you two been together?”

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, clearing my throat and trying to fight off how painfully uncomfortable I was. “Uhm, well we met at the end November, and we started dating towards the end of February.”

He nodded, “So, about four months?”

“Yeah, but I’ve known him for seven months, and we were basically a couple from the start,” I told him.

Cameron frowned, giving his head a bit of an amused shake. “Well, but if you’ve been his girlfriend for four months, then you’ve been dating for four months. You can’t count yourselves as a couple from the day you met,” he reasoned.

I felt my lips purse together, my blood growing hot beneath my skin as I looked at him. “I don’t think it matters how long we’ve been an official couple. I love him, and he loves me, and he takes care of me. That’s all that should matter to you.”

Cameron still looked completely confused, rubbing his face tiredly before giving it another shake. “Why are you being so defensive about this? I’m not saying anything bad about your relationship, I just wanted to know how long you’ve been a couple, that’s all,” he said, looking at me.

I shrugged, looking away from him again. “I just don’t like it when people assume that we haven’t been together long enough to be taking bigger steps.” The sentence was meant to be said in my inner monologue, but it had escaped from my lips before I had the chance to realize the words were passing. My eyes shot up to Cameron, watching as he face went from utter confusion to understanding in a few seconds.

“Oh my God, you’re sleeping with him,” he said, putting his face in his hands. “Hanna, I thought you were smarter then that.”

I almost laughed, my arms uncrossing and falling to my sides. “Don’t talk to me like you have any idea as to who I am. We haven’t talked in over a year, and even before that, you were too busy telling me about how everything that happened was my fault to actually catch a fragment of who I was or am. Don’t start playing the older brother role now, and don’t judge Sidney. You’ve never even met him.”

Cameron lifted his head out of his hands and stared at me for a good two minutes, his face completely blank of an expression. He just stared at me, as if he didn’t know what to say to me, before he shook his head again. “I don’t doubt that Sidney’s a good guy,” he finally said, “but I also don’t doubt that one day you’re going to look back on this and wish you hadn’t given so much of yourself to him this soon into your relationship, even if you think you’re going to marry him.” He sighed, leaning back against the doorframe and watching my face, clearly noticing the way my eyes widened with nerves at the mention of marriage. His mouth dropped open, his head falling forward as he stared at me. “You’re not even sure you’re going to marry him?”

I looked away from him again, my hands smoothing down my shirt as I tried to find any form of distraction to keep me from meeting his gaze again.

“You-” he stopped, taking a couple of deep breaths before he took a step forward. “You’re not even sure you want to marry him, but you’re sleeping with him? Hanna, what were you thinking?”

“Why is this such a big deal?” I asked. “There are so many girls who sleep with guys they aren’t even in a relationship with. You slept with anything that had a pulse for years, and you’re lecturing me?”

“That’s why I’m worried,” he said. “Hanna, I made every mistake a person could make, I don’t want you to make the same ones.”

“Sidney is not a mistake,” I said, my voice low. “You don’t know him.”

“I don’t need to know him. All I need to know is that it’s been four months and he’s already fucking you,” Cameron said, his voice growing a bit louder.

“It’s not like that,” I said back, stepping towards him. “Sidney loves me. He takes care of me. He helped me figure out what I want to do with my life, he helped me moved into my place, he calls me every day, he paid for me to fly out to Pittsburgh and visit all of them. He isn’t some dumb hockey player who’s only with me for the sex. And besides, we haven’t been intimate for long, it’s only been about a month, not even.”

“I don’t care how long it’s been happening. It’s happening. Hanna, you can’t even tell me you’re going to marry this guy and you’re sleeping with him. You think four months, or however long you’re going with, isn’t long enough to think about a wedding, but it justifies sleeping with him? If marriage scares you, you’re not ready for sex.”

“Are you really trying to talk to me like you even give a shit about what happens to me?” I asked him, almost smirking. “Just because you’ve decided to be a decent human being now doesn’t mean that you get to talk to me like you know what’s best. And who are you to decide what I’m ready for?”

Cameron closed his eyes, rubbing his temples. “Hanna, I know that I was horrible to you, I get that. That’s why I’m so worried. I already helped fuck up half of your life by blaming you for Alissa’s death, and I know that ruined most of high school for you. I don’t want you to ruin anymore of your life by giving this guy more of you than he deserves, at least this far. Maybe Sidney is the guy you’ll end up, but if you’re not sure yet, why are you given him so much of you?”

I opened my mouth to respond, feeling my chin begin to quiver unexpectedly, Cameron’s image growing blurry in front of me as a wave of tears surfaced the front of my eyes. I shut my mouth, trying to swallow back the crying fit that was threatening to form. “He wants to buy a house,” I said, my voice cracking as I spoke, “and he wants me to live with him.”

Cameron took in a deep breath, clenching his fists next to his side. “Hanna, please think about that before you agree. Make sure you see yourself with him forever before you take that step, please. If you two break up and you’re already living together, you’ll have nowhere to go.”

My chin was still quivering, despite my best efforts to try and calm myself. “Why does everyone keep telling me that? Why can’t any of you just be happy for me?”

“Because we love you,” he said, walking over to me and putting a hand on my shoulder, “and we don’t want to see you hurt again. That’s why. At least, that’s why I’m saying it.”

I shrugged his hand off of my shoulder, moving away from him and towards the open back door, wiping the few tears that had made it out of my eyes. “I’m tired. I’m going to sleep now,” I mumbled, walking back into the house and waiting until I had made it into the room I was staying in to collapse on the bed and cry, even though I still wasn’t sure what was making me do so.

----------------------------------------

Elizabeth was the only one in the house when I finally made my way upstairs. She was sitting in the living room with her feet up, one hand rubbing her pregnant belly as she watched a re-run of the Ellen show. She glanced up at me when I stepped into the living room, smiling. “Good morning. How did you sleep?”

I returned her smiled, sitting down on one of the chairs and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “Well, thanks. How are you feeling?”

She sighed, “Pregnant. But there’s only another week or so before she’s supposed to be arriving.” She smiled down at her belly as she said this before looking back up at me. “Hey, I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable, but I sent Cameron out to buy you something early this morning. It’s sitting on the counter.”

I was surprised, but made my way into the kitchen to find what she had sent him out for. My eyes immediately landed on the giant box sitting on the counter, reading the label and feeling my mouth drop open. It was a brand new camera, A Nikon Coolpix 8700, staring up at me. I picked the box up, still in shock, and made my way back into the living room where Liz was.

She grinned at me. “Your mom told me that you’re thinking about going into the baking business, so I know this seems a little off, but I still remember the first time I met you and the way you always had that rented camera from your high school around your neck. You took pictures of everything, and you had an eye for it, too. I don’t know, maybe I’m being silly, but I just thought that maybe you had forgotten about how much you loved photography. Even if you don’t want to get back into that, I still want you to have that. You can take high class pictures of your baking,” she suggested, smiling.

I had to shake my head a bit, still staring at the box. “Elizabeth this is, this is amazing. Thank you.”

“I hope you enjoy it,” she said. “Maybe you could even take some pictures of Sidney and the team? You could be a sports photographer.”

I laughed, “Well, this is the wrong camera for that, but I’m sure I can find many things to take pictures of. I could even take some of the baby once she’s here.”

Elizabeth’s whole face seemed to light up at the sentence. “Oh, Hanna that would be amazing.”

I smiled back at her, looking down at the camera. “I’m going to take this to my room and put it together. Unless you need something?”

She shook her head, “No, I’m fine. Besides, Cam and your parents should be back any minute, and then they can deal with me.”

I laughed, standing up from the chair. “Thank you again, Liz. I haven’t touched a camera since high school. I hope I still have an eye for it,” I said, smiling at her.

She shrugged, “As long as you still love photography, I don’t see why it matters.” She eyed me for a moment before sighing. “Listen, about whatever happened between Cameron and you last night, I hope you know that anything he said wasn’t meant to hurt you. I know he wasn’t the greatest brother, but he really has changed. I wouldn’t have married him if he wasn’t a good guy.”

I forced a small smile, nodding at her. “Yeah, I know.” I sighed, lifting the box up, “I’m going to go play with this now.”

She nodded, watching me walk back towards the stairs that lead down to my room.

I set the camera down on my bed once I had managed to screw it together and stared down at it. As excited as I was that Elizabeth remembered how much I had loved photography, I couldn’t shake last night’s conversation from my head. Maybe it was more then what Cameron had said. Maybe I was just as worried about how caught up I was getting with Sidney as everyone else was. I wasn’t sure. But as I played around with the camera, taking a few for fun shots and then thinking about how I could do some head shots for Peyton’s beauty class, and take pictures of Sidney’s birthday in a few months, I started thinking about what I really wanted in the future. When I closed my eyes and thought about it, Sidney was there, he was. But everything else I had thought I wanted to be or do in the future was gone in, well, in a flash.

And it was terrifying.

Steps

The room Elizabeth had organized for me really was beautiful. She admitted to me that she had been working on it since just before discovering that she was pregnant, telling me that she had been planning to invite me out in hopes of at least smoothing over the anger and resentment between Cameron and I.

She had painted the wall a Robin’s egg blue, which I would have assumed I didn’t like, but as I stood in the room and looked around it, noticing how the early morning sunlight streaming in through the blinds reflected against it, I became a fan. She had set the bed with a white duvet and sheets that matched the colour of the walls. There were a few black and white pictures hung up on the walls, )mainly of trees or the corner of someone’s face, you know, the “artsy” ones?), and there was a dresser with a mirror sitting against the far wall. The room had it’s own bathroom, and a rather large sized closet that looked almost naked with the scarce amount of clothes I had brought with me. It was much larger then I had expected the room to be, although, their house was bigger then I had expected, and I could hardly even believe that after years of throwing his life away in the party scene, Cameron now lived in one of the nicest houses I had seen in my entire life.

I had wasted as much time in my room as I possibly could. I had escaped downstairs early the night before, and even though I had been awake for almost three hours now, I hadn’t emerged from the room. The smell of pancakes drifting into my room from the upstairs kitchen eventually became too much for me to handle, so, with a sigh, I stood up from the edge of the bed and opened the door, making my way upstairs.

My mom was flipping pancakes on the stove while Elizabeth sat in one of the chairs in the kitchen, rubbing her large belly tiredly. Cameron and my dad weren’t in sigh, which caused me to let out a sigh of relief before I stepped into the kitchen, smiling to my mom and Liz. “Morning.”

Elizabeth smiled. “Good morning, Hanna. Did you sleep okay? Was the bed alright?”

I let out a small laugh, walking into the kitchen to ask my mom if she needed any help before answering. “I slept wonderfully, thank you.”

She nodded. “I’m glad. I tried every bed in the mattress store to make sure I snagged the right one for you,” she told me.

I grabbed the container of strawberries that my mom had set out and started chopping them up. “Well, I appreciate it.” I glanced up at my mom. “Where are dad and Cameron?” I asked.

“Oh, they’re outside. Cameron’s showing your dad the new shed he built and showing off the property.”

I nodded, putting all of the chopped up strawberries into a bowl so they could be be put on top of the pancakes if someone wanted them. “I really liked the pictures you hung up in the room for me, Liz,” I told her.

Elizabeth grinned, “Really? I’m glad. I remembered that the last time I saw you, you were taking a photography class at school and you were really into black and white pictures. I wasn’t sure if you still were or not.”

I tilted my head to the side a bit, trying to think back. “Oh, yeah. I hated that class. I never took the pictures I was supposed to, I always got caught up taking pictures of my friends. I always made Peyton model for me because she was so photogenic.”

My mom smiled. “You were always very good at portraits. It’s too bad you gave that up.”

I twisted my mouth to the side and nodded. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

There was a pause in the room, giving me a moment to glance behind me and steal a glance at the time before I smiled at my mom and Elizabeth. “I’ll be back. I just want to go call Sidney,” I said, escaping from the kitchen before Elizabeth could ask who Sidney was.

My cell phone had spent the first night on the charger, and when I finally turned it on I was more then happy to find a few text messages from Peyton, Max and Jordan that all told me they missed me. I dialled Sidney’s number in, almost nervous as I waited to see if he was going to pick up.

“Hey,” he greeted, sounding both tired and excited.

I let out a sigh. “Hi. I miss you.”

Sidney laughed, “I miss you too. How was your flight?”

“Long. My dad snored for the first two hours, then complained about the guy behind him who was snoring for the last three.”

“That’s basically how I imagined the flight going,” he admitted. “How are things with your brother?”

I paused, biting my lip for a moment. “Actually, not as bad as I had expected. We haven’t really talked too much, but he told me that he didn’t want to fight and wasn’t who I thought he was. I’m not sure I believe it, but he hasn’t said anything horrible to me, yet.”

“I told you he had probably grown up,” Sidney teased. “I’m happy things are going okay for you. I was worried.”

I smiled, leaning back on my bed. “I wish you were here. I’ve gotten used to having you around in the morning, or seeing you right before I fall asleep, or at least talking to you. It’s only been a few days and I already miss you so much it’s ridiculous.”

There was a long pause on the other end, and for a second I thought that I had scared him away by seeming so needy. Finally, I heard a sigh from him. “I know. I feel the same way. I couldn’t sleep the first night you were gone, actually,” he admitted shyly. “I, uhm, I was actually wanting to talk to you about that.”

“You wanted to talk about missing me?” I asked, half kidding.

“Well, kind of,” he admitted. “I was just thinking about how one of us is always at the other one’s house, and how we’re always together anyways and…well, I need to move out Mario’s place eventually, and I was looking at a few houses.”

I frowned, “I’m not sure where you’re going with this, Sid.”

He let out a nervous chuckle on the other end. “The house I’m looking at, Hanna, it’s really big. Too big for one person, and I know that you like the Dupuis’ basement, but you mentioned awhile ago that you did want to move out pretty soon. I guess I’m trying to tell you, or ask you, if you…if you maybe wanted to move in with me?”

I was silent, thankful that he couldn’t see me because I had no doubts that my face was pale with shock. Peyton’s words about how many big steps she feared Sidney and I would take in a short amount of time surfaced to the front of my mind, and I must have been completely silent for a good few minutes, because Sidney nervously said my name, clearly fearful that I had hung up on him. “Sorry, I’m still here,” I said. “Are you sure you would want to do that? I mean, we’d see each other all the time then. And I don’t really have the money for that.”

“I would be paying for it. I make so much money that there’s really no point in me even asking for you to pay rent,” he explained. “The house is in a really nice area, and it has a lot of property so we could have people over. Peyton could stay there when she comes to visit, so could your parents.”

I chewed on my bottom lip for a moment. “Sidney, that’s a really big step to take.”

“I know. But, I want to take it. I mean, unless you don’t want too,” he added nervously.

“Could you at least send me pictures of it or something? I mean, what if I don’t even like this place?”

“Then we’d look at other houses,” he replied. “I can email you some pictures of it, no problem. I just…I don’t know, moving in together just seems to make sense, you know? We basically live together now, I’m always at your place or you’re always at mine. It wouldn’t be that different.”

I thought about his point for a moment. It had gotten to the point where I would often just stay at his place, or he’d stay at mine. I had grown accustomed to waking up and finding him in the kitchen, making eggs or pancakes, or brewing coffee, and I was used to having him come from a game and crawl into bed beside me and nuzzle his face into my neck while he told me about the game and the names he had been called. When I really thought about it, moving in together wasn’t such a mountainous step to take at all. It was more of a convenience, in some aspects.

I finally let out a long sigh. “It does make a lot of sense,” I agreed. “I kind of wish you hadn’t been looking at houses without me, though.”

“I’ve been looking at houses for the past three years, this one just caught my eye a few months ago,” He told me. “The only thing that stopped me from buying it was that it was so big. I figured it was a waste of money to buy a house that size when I was the only one in it.”

I smiled slightly, the smile almost falling away when I heard my mom yell for me upstairs. “Listen, Sid, I have to go eat brunch with my family. I’ll probably call you tomorrow, or maybe the day after.”

“Okay. Say hi to your parents for me,” he said, his voice seeming softer then before. “I’ll send over those pictures for you to look at,” he promised.

“I look forward to seeing them,” I told him, standing up from my bed with a sigh. “I miss you.”

Sidney laughed, “I miss you too. But I’ll see you in a couple of weeks, right?”

“Right.”

“Try to enjoy your time there, okay? There’s no point in you being miserable for the entire visit,” he reminded me, letting out a sigh afterwards. “I love you, Hanna.”

“I love you too. I’ll talk to you later,” I promised, pushing the end button and making a bit of a sad face, already missing his voice.

The sound of my mom yelling for me again caused me to toss my phone onto the bed and race upstairs, taking a seat at the table and waiting for my dad and Cameron to finish washing up before they came to join us.

Unexpected Places

I stared up at my bedroom ceiling with tired eyes, wishing that the day hadn’t come as soon as it seemed to have. It felt as if, just yesterday, I had read the email from my mom, and now, here I was; lying on my bed, already fully dressed, waiting until I had to leave what I now called home to be thrown into a situation I never even wanted to be in. I had managed to talk my mom out of me spending a week in Vancouver before heading out to PEI, but I would spending the first two days there with her and my dad.

I had woken up hours ago, before the sun had begin to shine, and crawled out of my bed quietly so that I could shower and change. Peyton was asleep in the tiny guest room, I could head her mumbling in her sleep when I trekked back from the bathroom to my room, and I wanted to run to her and wake her up and ask her to take back everything she said about Sidney and let me stay in Pittsburgh, completely ignoring my insane family drama. But I couldn’t do that.

Sidney was beside me, asleep and blissfully unaware of the fact that I hadn’t even slept the night before, and was now in what was basically a coma, hating my life.

Peyton’s words of warning had stuck with me since the moment she said them. When did I become so dependant on Sidney? It was to the point that I could hardly function through a whole day without at least hearing his voice. I had assumed that this was what love was, a constant need and desire to be with the other person. But, maybe I was wrong? I loved Sidney, there was no questioning that, but had I really thrown parts of myself away just to keep him closer? I mean, I was already sleeping with him and I couldn’t even say for sure if I wanted to marry him. I didn’t not want to marry him, but I also couldn’t picture forever with him, at least, not yet.

Sidney stirred next to me, reaching his hands up to his face and tiredly rubbing his eyes before he rolled onto his side and looked at me, causing me to turn my head and look back at him. He gave me a tired smile, reaching out to run his hand down my face. “You leave soon.”

I nodded, taking in his face and the way his morning hair was sticking up in every which way. “I leave soon,” I repeated.

He sighed, “I see you’ve already gotten ready,” he said, his voice hoarse with fatigue. “How long have you been awake?”

It was my turn to sigh. “I never slept,” I admitted.

Sidney seemed surprised, his eyes widening a bit as he heard my reply. “Did I snore?”

I let out a soft laugh, “No, I was just thinking all night, I guess.”

He nodded, finally rolling over so he could sit up, tugging at the collar of the shirt he had fallen asleep in. “How long until you have to leave for the airport?”

I glanced at the clock next to me, “About an hour, maybe a little bit more.”

He rubbed his face, looking down at me. “How about you go wake up at Peyton while I get changed, and then we’ll all head out for breakfast. I can call the guys if you want?”

I smiled, sitting up and leaning over so that I could place a quick kiss on his lips. “That would be great, thanks.”

He nodded again, the tips of his fingers resting on my chin for a moment before he leaned in to kiss me once more, smiling softly afterwards as he watched me climb off of the bed and head out to wake up Peyton.

Peyton almost smacked me in the face when I tried to wake her up, and once I finally managed to she leaned in to look at my face, shaking her head. “Sidney’s here, isn’t he?”

I rolled my eyes. “We didn’t do anything, Peyton, we fell asleep talking. He wasn’t even under the covers when we fell asleep, I swear.”

She shrugged, “I’m not against the sex part, I’d just be weirded out if the two of you little babies were humping while I was across the hall.”

I made a face, “First off, Sidney is older then you, and secondly…shut up,” I said, shoving her so she fell back over in bed, leaving her to laugh as I left the room.

Sidney was already in the kitchen by the time I left Peyton’s room, tiredly leaning against the kitchen counter. He let out a long yawn just before I stepped onto the linoleum, raising up his eyebrows at me as I approached him. “Tangers, Max and Staalsy are on their way over. Kris said he’d meet us there.”

I reached out to hug him, resting my head on his shoulder. “Where is ‘there’ exactly?”

“Stacy’s Diner. They have the best pancakes in all of Pittsburgh, I swear,” he told me.

I nodded, moving my head back so I could look up at him. “Tell me not to go.”

Sidney frowned, “What?”

“Tell me not to go,” I repeated. “If you tell me not to, I’ll stay here.”

He looked at me, his face switching from confusion to empathy as he stroked my hair, giving me a small, sad smile. “You know I won’t say that, Hanna. No matter how much I want you to stay here, I won’t tell you to miss this opportunity just for myself.”

I felt my eyes starting water over, which was a surprising reaction for me. “I’m so scared, Sidney. I don’t want to leave you, and I don’t want things to change,” I told him, almost whispering to make sure Peyton couldn’t overhear me as I pleaded with him. “Tell me to stay.”

Sidney seemed torn, sucking in his bottom lip as he looked at me, his face seeming to fall into lines of hurt and confusion as he gave his head a small shake. “Things only change if we let them,” he said, moving my arms from around him so he could hold both of my hands. “You and I both know that you need to go, even if it’s a scary thought. Sometimes the scariest things in life are the most necessary,” he reminded me softly, watching as I blinked rapidly a few times to stop the tears that were trying to pour over the lids of my eyes. “I’ll be there with you. I don’t need to be beside you to be with you.”

I let out a shaky breath, dropping his hands so I could wrap my arms around him again, letting him run his hand through my hair in an attempt to calm my down.

It didn’t matter how many sweet things Sidney said to me, or how much I loved him. I knew, somewhere in my heart, that things were going to be different when I got back. I just wasn’t sure in what way, yet.

--------------------------------------

Rain.

It was the first thing I saw when I looked out the window of the plane. I had spent my two days in Vancouver being all kinds of miserable. I had refused to eat at all when I first arrived, striking worry in my parents minds. My mom followed me upstairs to ask if Sidney and I had gotten into a fight, and that the mention of his name, I had burst into tears, fallen down onto my bed and ignored the rest of her questions. I knew that the reaction was largely due to the zero sleep I had gotten the night before, and the long flight with two layovers, but it was still the exact reaction I had been worried I’d have.

My dad hadn’t even bothered trying to speak to me about what was wrong. He had never been the type, and even though I could see from his worried looks that he was just as concerned as my mom, he didn’t know how to even approach a clearly distraught twenty-one year old girl. I’m sure that both of my parents were wondering why they had thought having me stay with them for a couple of days heading out was a good idea, but, as much as I hated to admit it, I probably needed it. I knew I’d be completely messed up from having two days of being three hours ahead, only to fly out and lose four hours, but my mom had been right. I needed those two days to get the overreactions out of my system before being face to face with Cameron, which brings me back to the rain.

“We’re here,” my dad said, nudging me. He must of believed that I had fallen asleep during the flight, which he couldn’t be blamed for since I hadn’t moved or uttered a word the entire flight. “Want me to carry your bags?”

I turned to look at him, seeing that same concerned look on his face and gave him a small smile. “No, thanks, dad. I can handle it.”

He nodded, seeming to debate saying something more but deciding better of it, standing up and helping my mom get her luggage from the overhead compartment. He had made us pack everything into carry-on only, which was fine by me seeing as I always did that and hadn’t brought anything except the necessities from Pittsburgh.

I had to stop walking five times, convinced that I was about to be sick in the airport from how nervous and completely terrified I was about seeing Cameron again. I knew that Elizabeth would make sure he was nice to me, as she always had done, but it had been almost three years since I had seen him, and just saying his name left a bitter taste in my mouth. My dad was walking so fast and so far ahead of my mother and I that he didn’t even notice how pale my face had become and how shaky my hands were as I tried to drag my bag behind me, but my mom waited, rubbing my back every time I had to almost squat down and take a few deep breaths to stop myself from throwing up all over the squeaky clean tiles of the tiny airport. I managed to hold all of the emotions in, giving my head a shake as I saw my dad talking to Cameron. I stopped, looking around the airport for a good two minutes before the feeling of nausea returned.

Elizabeth wasn’t with him.

“Hanna?” My mom spoke, causing my dad and Cameron to both turn and look at me. “Are you okay?”

I gulped, forcing a smile and nodding at her before my eyes moved over to Cameron, looking him over quickly. He looked so much older then I remembered. He had the same dark green eyes as me, and the same light brown hair, but he looked like a completely different person then me. I felt as if I didn’t even recognize him as I looked him over, noticing that his once almost too thin frame was thicker, and that he had a bit of stubble coating his face. Even the way he dressed was different, in a normal pair of jeans and a plan, black hoodie instead of what I had last seen him, which was the far too tight skinny jeans and deep V-neck cardigan with some abstract t shirt underneath.

He seemed to be doing the same thing to me, both of us completely unsure of how the other would react. My dad wasn’t growing impatient, meaning that not as much time had passed as I had assumed had. Finally, Cameron let out a long sigh, startling me and making take a step back as I looked up at him. He was so tall, which was something that I had forgotten, and as he took three steps towards I was almost intimidated by the height difference. I wondered if he and Jordan were the same size, or if he was even taller. I felt like I was shrinking as he looked down at me, almost wincing as I prepared myself for whatever words he was about to spit out at me, already wishing that I could run back onto the plane and just fly back to Pittsburgh and fall into Sidney’s arms.

But he didn’t say a word. Not at first, anyways. No, he did something completely unexpected and reached out to take my bag from me, gently. “I’ll carry that for you,” he said quietly, giving me a small smile before he turned back to my parents. “I parked in the drop off zone, so we should book it before my car gets towed.”

My parents both nodded, falling into an easy conversation, asking him if Elizabeth was sick and how work was going, leaving me to stand in shock for a moment before Cameron glanced back at me and stopped, my parents not even seeming to notice as they carried on. He looked at me for a minute before he walked back over to me. “Are you coming?”

I didn’t say anything back, rubbing my left arm nervously.

He let out another soft sigh. “Hanna, I know that you probably hate me,” he started, “and I was hoping to have this conversation later, but I swear, I’m not the guy I was last time you saw me. You don’t need to be afraid of me.”

I had to clear my throat to find my voice. “I don’t think I believe that.”

He nodded, “I know, and I don’t blame you. But, I mean, what good does it do for you to stay in the airport?” he asked, almost smirking at me. “Come on, Liz set up the downstairs room for you. She spent three weeks on it, just to make sure you’d love it. And this bag is kind of heavy, so…” He raised an eyebrow at me.

I studied his face for a moment, trying to decide if I believed him or not. Finally, I nodded, following him out to where his car was parked.

Cameron and Elizabeth lived in a beautiful house. I didn’t really know much about what he did for a job now, but I knew he made good money, and Elizabeth was a school teacher at the small elementary school just around the corner from their house. They had a lot of property, which was pretty common out in the area they lived in. Elizabeth was waiting on the front steps when we pulled into the driveway, and I was out of the car before it had even come to a complete stop.

“Hanna!” She greeted, “Look at how grown up you are,” she said, placing both of her hands on my waist and looking me over with a big smile. “You’re such a beautiful girl, you know?”

I smiled, “Thank you. And look at you, you’re so…pregnant.”

She laughed, stepping into the house and taking me with her. “Yes, and I have been for about nine months now.” She watched as my dad and Cameron came into the house with all of the luggage. “Let’s worry about getting you guys settled until later. I made lunch,” she said, going over to give my mom a hug and smiling at my dad. “I hope you guys are good with soup and buns. I don’t know what it is with this baby, but she won’t let me eat anything solid lately. I’m always sick afterwards.”

My mom laughed, “I was the same way when I was pregnant with Cameron. I also couldn’t even hear the word eggs or I would be sick.”

“Wow, I thought it would take a little longer before the pregnancy talk started,” I admitted, walking down the hall towards the kitchen. I stopped when I saw a picture of Alissa and I hanging on the wall, my body frozen as I saw it. We must have been ten in the picture, and my head was back, my mouth open as I laughed and my arms around Alissa. She was leaning forward, closer to the camera then I was, and her eyes were glistened with tears from how hard she was laughing. I couldn’t even remember where the picture was, but I couldn’t take my eyes away from it.

“It’s from her birthday,” Cameron said from beside me. “You had just knocked her cake off of the table.”

I shut my eyes, the memory coming back to the front of my mind. “I remember that,” I said quietly, opening my eyes to look at the picture again. “Auntie Britt was so mad.”

Cameron laughed, “She spent hours decorating the cake, and then you just swooped right in and knocked it over.”

“We still ate it,” I reminded him.

He nodded, reaching out to the straighten the picture frame next to it. “And it was delicious.” He looked down at me, his eyes swimming with the thoughts he didn’t want to say yet. “We should get into the kitchen before Liz gets too hormonal and cries because the soup went cold before we ate it.” He moved to walk past me before stopping and looking back down at me, placing a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Hanna. For everything. I’m sorry.”

I watched him walk into the kitchen, stunned again by how sincere he seemed to be. I glanced at the picture of Alissa and I again, my head moving to look at the rest of the pictures before my dad called for me, shaking me from my thoughts and urging me to head into the kitchen where the rest of them were.

Birthdays

I looked myself over in my bedroom mirror, brushing a few pieces of hair away from my face and tugging on one of the curls with a small sigh.

It didn’t matter how many times I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn’t look a day older. I felt like I had lived so much life in the last six months or so, and yet it didn’t even show on my face. Maybe that was a good thing, after all, women are always going to extreme lengths to try and hide their age, maybe this was a blessing of some sort?

“You ready?” Sidney asked me from just outside of my bedroom door, causing me to turn and glance at him as he leaned against the doorframe.

I glanced back at myself in the mirror once more before shrugging and turning back around to look at him. “I guess so.”

Sidney laughed. “I’ve never seen anyone look as unimpressed as you do about leaving for your birthday party.”

I smiled, walking out of my room and towards the front door with Sidney following close behind. “It doesn’t feel like my birthday,” I tried to explain, letting him step out the door first so I could lock up. “It’s kind of sad, actually. I’ll be here with everyone tonight, and then two days from now, I’m on a plane to Vancouver and won’t see any of you for almost a month.”

Sidney placed an arm around my shoulders as we headed out to his car. “Worry about that in two days. It’s your birthday, stop being so sad and try to enjoy yourself.”

I nodded, thanking him as he held the passenger door open for me so I could get in.

-------------------------------

“Hanna!” Caity yelled, almost tackling me the second I set foot in Kris’ house, “Your dress is so pretty.”

I smiled, trying to move a step back from her in unnoticeable fashion. “Thanks, so is yours.”

She grinned, grabbing my arm and dragging me through the entry way and living room. “The rest of the girls are over here,” she explained with a small smile, letting go of my arm as soon as the rest of the girlfriends were in view. “You leave tomorrow?”

I shook my head, waving to Vero and Jordan’s girlfriend, Tanya. “No, I leave Wednesday,” I corrected. “It’s an early morning flight, though, so tomorrow’s my last day before I leave.”

Caity nodded, placing a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sure Sid will try and fly out and see you while you’re gone. I mean, a whole month? The poor boy will probably lose his mind.”

I laughed. “I’m sure Sidney will have bigger things to worry about then missing me, but thanks.”

Caity became distracted with the food table, allowing me to sneak away from her and over towards Vero and Tanya, earning a grin from both of them. “Happy birthday, Miss Hanna!” Tanya greeted, handing me a small glass of some kind of pink and bubbly drink.

I accepted the glass, eyeing it a bit. “Thanks. What is this?”

“Strawberry champagne,” Vero answered, taking a tiny sip from her own glass. “You seem unsure.”

I smiled, setting the flute glass down on the table. “Yeah, I’m not a big fan of champagne.”

“But it’s your 21st birthday and you’re in America! You have to drink some kind of alcohol, I mean, come on!” Tanya reminded me.

I let out a small laugh “Maybe I’ll grab a cooler or something. I don’t know, I’m not that crazy about alcoholic beverages, especially if I can taste the alcohol part.”

“You are a confusing creature, Hanna,” Tanya joked, picking up a bit sized pizza and popping it into her mouth.

A soft sigh escaped my lips as I glanced around at Kris’ house. It wasn’t too packed, since Sidney had a large part in planning the party and he knew I wasn’t too fond of excessive crowds. Peyton was flying in tomorrow so I could show her how everything in my suite worked before I had to leave the next morning, and I was pretty disappointed that my 21st birthday had to be celebrated without her, but Kris and Sidney had made sure to invite the other players that I got along with and any of the other girlfriends, or just females in general, that I liked. I knew that the main point of the part was to try and distract me from the fact that I was leaving in a day and a half and couldn’t see any of them for almost a month, but it wasn’t working so well.

“Hanna!” Max yelled, lifting me up and spinning me around so fast that I wasn’t even aware of what was happening until he had already set me back down. “Happy birthday!”

I had to lean back against the counter, dizzy from the sudden movement. “Thanks. I feel like I haven’t seen you in a really long time.”

Max shrugged, reaching behind me to grab one of the bite sized pizza bagels and chewing on it for a moment before answering. “I ruined my couch.”

I felt a small smirk forming on my face. “You…you ruined your couch?” He nodded, looking down at the floor. “How did you do that?”

Max sighed, “Why do you need to know that?” He rubbed his face a little bit. “Well, my brothers came to visit, and we started talking about this game we played when we were little-”

“Please tell me it didn’t involve you being naked. If this story involves me picturing the Talbot’s naked, I don’t even want to know!” I interrupted.

Max stared at me for a moment before giving his head a small shake, “Why do you always assume that I’m naked in my stories?”

“Because all of the ones you tell me involve you being naked,” I reminded him.

He laughed, looking up at the ceiling a bit as he chuckled, “Oh, yeah. Those are usually the best ones,” he mumbled. “Anyways, I wasn’t naked. We used to play this game where we’d pretend that the floor was covered in lava, so you couldn’t walk on it and we’d jump across from one couch to the other, did you play that?” He asked, not even waiting to see if I replied before carrying on, “Well, Frank and I decided to see if we were still as good at jumping across the living room and onto the other couch.” He rubbed the back of his neck, giving me a half grin. “That was a bad idea. Two incredibly manly men both trying their best to ninja their way onto a couch?”

I laughed, “Don’t you have two brothers?”

“Yeah, David said he didn’t play those games anymore. He just watched while we snapped the back off of my couch,” He explained.

“Ah, now it all makes sense. You haven’t been around lately because you broke your couch,” I said.

Max smirked at me, taking a step back. “No, I haven’t been around because you’re usually fuc-”

“There you two are,” Sidney interrupted, shooting Max a warning look before he turned to smile at me, handing me a cooler. “I know you don’t like champagne or beer, so I made Kris go buy some coolers. I had to grab you one before Billy drank them all.”

I almost snorted, “Bill Guerin is a fan of coolers?”

Sidney shrugged, “I guess every man reaches a point where all he wants is fruity goodness.”

Max and I exchanged a look before I smiled, patting Sidney’s arm. “I’m not even going to say the comment that’s in my head right now.”

“And I appreciate that so much,” Sidney assured me, glancing behind me at Vero and Tanya. “I guess I’ll leave you to your girl talk.”

“She was talking to me,” Max corrected.

Sidney glanced at him over his shoulder. “I know,” he said, turning back to me with a small grin. “I’ll come find you later,” he said to me, giving my shoulder a small squeeze before he turned and headed off.

Max was frowning, watching Sidney as he walked off before he looked back at me. “That boy needs to learn some manners, Hanna. Be careful with him. One day he loves you,” he paused, pretending to well up with tears, “and then the next, he insults you in front of all of your friends.”

“Awww, Max,” I cooed, placing a hand n his shoulder and looking up at him, “we’re not friends.”

He smacked my hand away from him, making me laugh, “I hate you! I hope…I hope that when you try to blow out your candles, your dignity catches fire.”

I glanced behind me at Tanya and Vero, both of whom looked just as confused as I was, and nodded. “Good insult. It really hurt my pride.”

Max grinned, “Did it? I’ve been trying to work on my mean remarks, because, let’s be honest, I need to be good at something on the ice.”

I nodded, the two of us standing there in silence for a moment before I simply turned around to face Vero and Tanya again. “So, what’s new with you ladies?”

“Oh, I see how it is,” Max muttered behind me, disappearing off into the crowd.

Tanya shrugged. “Not too much. Just trying to deal with Jordan and his crazy stress about the playoffs, especially now that round two is about to start.”

Vero nodded, “Yes, the preparation for the playoffs is never fun. How is Sid handling it?”

I sighed, “Okay, I guess. He doesn’t talk about it too much because he doesn’t want me to worry about him while I’m gone with my family, but I can see the stress he’s under. I mean, especially with the push to be repeating cup champs, I can see that it’s weighing down on him, but he doesn’t want to talk about it, and I don’t want to push him,” I answered.

Vero nodded. “He’s just too considerate sometimes, that Sid.”

I laughed, “Yeah, I guess if there’s one downfall to him, that’s it. He’s just too caring.”

Tanya took a sip of her champagne, reminding me of the cooler Sidney had brought over to me and prompting me to open it, earning a nod of approval from Tanya. “So, what are your plans once the party is over?” She asked.

“Probably sleeping. Peyton’s flight arrives early tomorrow morning and I’ll have to go pick her up,” I answered.

“Wow, that sounds fun,” Tanya joked. “At least you’ll get to see her before you leave. And it’s right after your birthday, so you could just count it as birthday celebration. That means she has to pay for everything,” she pointed out.

I grinned at her, letting out a sigh. “This whole family thing is so horribly timed,” I admitted. “I’m leaving the day after my best friend flies in, and right before the next round starts. I should have never agreed to go.”

Vero gave me a sympathetic smile. “I’m sure that there’s a reason for why you need to go, Hanna. I mean, I have no doubts that this will be a very important trip for you.”

I rolled my eyes, “I know, everyone keeps telling me that. If you’re not right, I’ll probably take up drinking. Just a heads up.”

“Yeah, the girl who’s had one sip of her cooler will become an alcoholic,” Tanya said. “Way to be real, Hanna.”

----------------------------------------

After an incredibly confusing morning at the airport, which involved me being on the opposite side of the airport from where Peyton was arriving, and three coffee stops, Peyton and I were finally able to collapse in my living room.

“I forgot how adorable your place was,” she commented, stretching herself out across the couch.

I smiled, sinking into the armchair next to her. “Yeah, it’s basically fantastic. No big deal or anything.” I sighed, both of us taking a moment to relax before I spoke again. “I’m sorry about the timing. I feel awful about you flying out here so I could spend one day with you.”

Peyton shrugged, “It’s okay. You need to go and at least talk to Cameron, even if he’s a total asshole. Besides, I’m here all summer, so I’ll still be here when you get back.”

I smiled, “I know. I still feel bad, though. I’ve missed you.”

“I am a very miss-able person,” she joked.

She stared up at my ceiling for a few moments while I sunk back into the chair a little more, both of becoming lost in our thoughts. I wasn’t sure what Peyton was thinking about, exactly, but the way that her mouth had puckered in and her brow had furrowed down I was assuming that it was some sort of concern that she just wasn’t ready to share me with, yet.

I was still trying to convince myself that leaving for almost a full month to go off and be miserable with my family would be a step in the right direction. I could see that it had the potential to be. I mean, I did have to, eventually, face my brother again, and there was a part of me that was trying to be optimistic and believe that the news of his first born had caused him to step back, evaluate his life and make an earnest effort to grow up. But at the same time, I could just imagine the distress of it all. I could see Cameron and I screaming at each other, him still blaming me for Alissa’s death and me finally lashing out with the years of built up and withheld resentment. I could see my dad’s reserved nature grating on my nerves because he wouldn’t step in and try to fight for me, even of he knew I was right. I knew my mom’s constant optimism would make me want to pull every hair out of my head, and I knew that I would spend almost every waking second missing not only Sidney, but Peyton, Vero, Tanya, Jordan, Max and the feel of being in Mellon arena while the Penguins played a playoff game.

The more I thought about it, the less I wanted to go.

“I have to ask you something,” Peyton finally said, sitting up and looking at me with a seriousness in her eyes that concerned me.

I nodded, pulling my legs up into the chair so that I could cross them beneath me, “Sure, what’s up?”

She sighed, “I know that this is probably going to piss you off, and I want you know that I’m not saying to try and cause any kind of strain or trouble, okay?” She waited for me to nod my head in understanding before beginning. “I’m worried about you and Sidney.”

I almost groaned. “Peyton, I know that it’s still hard to accept that I changed my views and Sidney and I are having sex-”

“It’s not just about the sex,” she said, interrupting me. “Hanna, you’re basing your entire life around him. I love Sidney, and I really do think he’s good for you, but your becoming so dependant on him that I’m concerned.”

“I’m dependant on him?” I repeated, almost scoffing. “I don’t know if you remember this, but I’m leaving tomorrow for almost a month, and I have a job that he has nothing to do with. I don’t even see him on days when I work with the morning shift, which is almost always, and he has a game.”

“Hanna, I know you, and I know that you are sitting there trying to convince yourself that going to see your family will make you so miserable that you shouldn’t even go, and that you can’t miss seeing Sidney play hockey,” she said, staring at me. “That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it?”

“So, what are you telling me? That I should break up with Sidney?”

Peyton sighed, rubbing her forehead. “No, I’m telling you that I’m worried. I don’t want you to give everything you have to Sidney.”

“Why not? I’m in love with him,” I shot back.

Peyton looked at me in silence for what felt like hours, trying to decide how she wanted to respond to my reminder. “Are you going to marry Sid?”

I was caught off guard by the question, just as I had been when Vero had asked me a couple of weeks back. “I don’t know yet, it’s only been a few months.”

“Why would you give up everything, and give everything you have, to a guy that you’re not even sure you want to marry, Hanna?” She asked. “You’re debating calling your mom and cancelling this whole trip just so that you can stay here and watch the Playoffs with him. I know you’re scared about Cameron, but I also know that you’re digging for excuses to try and justify cutting your family out to make more room for Sidney.” She waited for me to reply, but when she saw that I couldn’t find any words, she sighed. “I’m not trying to make you doubt what you have with Sidney,” she said quietly, “but I want you to be careful. You get attached to people so easily, and I think that Sidney’s a great guy for you, but I’m scared that if this doesn’t work out, you’ll have nothing left,” she explained. “I don’t want you to go back to where you were when Alissa died,” she added softly.

I finally met her eyes again, trying to sort through all of the words and thoughts in my head. “Peyton….”

She nodded, “I know. You need time to think,” she said. “Listen, just…don’t give up this family visit, okay? Sidney will be waiting when you get back, you know that, and you need a break from him. You really, really need this, Hanna. Please believe that.”

I couldn’t reply, choking on the words that I should have said back. The sound of the doorbell ringing caused both of us to jump, me wincing and glancing at Peyton. “I’m sorry-”

She smiled, “It’s okay. I didn’t say to ignore him. If that’s Sidney, invite him in, make small talk with me and spend your last day with him having fun. Just, don’t give up on the family.”

I nodded, taking a deep sigh to try and shake the conversation from my head before I got up to answer the door.

Toothbrush

“So, you’re going?” My mom asked almost in a whisper, so quietly I had to press the phone hard against my ear just to catch the words.

“I think so. I might change my mind, but I feel like I should go. I mean, I like Elizabeth, and I want to see my niece be born,” I explained, watching Sidney as he moved around in his kitchen, pouring two cups of coffee.

“Oh, Hanna, that’s wonderful. Cameron was hoping you would come, and so was I,” She gushed. “Now, don’t get upset with me, but I already bought a ticket for you and everything. I’ll mail it to you if you want, or your father and I could pay for you to fly out here a few days earlier and then fly out to Prince Edward Island with us,” She offered.

“Mom, why would I fly out from Pittsburgh to Vancouver so I could hop on another plane and fly back out East to PEI?”

“I guess that doesn’t make much sense, does it?” She sighed, “Alright. I’ll mail the ticket out to you tomorrow, you’ll get it in time for sure. Make sure you don’t lose it, okay?”

“I will put it somewhere safe,” I promised, accepting the cup of coffee that Sidney handed me with a small smile. “I should probably go, mom. I’m at Sidney’s.”

“Oh, are you?” She asked. “At this time? What is it there, almost ten?”

I let out a small sigh, thankful that Sidney couldn’t hear my mom on my cell phone as he obliviously flicked through the channels on his TV, setting down his own cup of coffee on the table. “Yes, it is. He had practice today and I had to work, so I didn’t have a chance to see him until later,” I told her, smiling awkwardly at Sidney when he shot me a curious glance, clearly aware of the fact that he had been brought up.

There was a small pause on the other end of the phone. “Well, don’t stay too late. I don’t want you to don’t anything…stupid, I guess is the word I’m looking for,” she told me, letting out another sigh.

I turned away from Sidney, even though he wasn’t looking at me, placing my cup of coffee down on the end table by the chair I was next to. “Mom, I should go.”

“Don’t get all upset with me, sweetie. I like Sidney, he’s a nice boy. I just don’t want you to lose your head and go off and sleep with the boy, that’s all.”

I could feel all of the blood rushing to my face, glancing over my shoulder at Sidney to make sure he couldn’t hear the conversation. “Right. Well…bye mom.” I pushed the end button on my cell phone, placing it down next to my cup of coffee.

“Fun conversation?” Sidney asked, looking at me with a small smirk.

I pushed my bangs away from my eyes, sitting down on the chair. “It was all kinds of fun,” I promised, picking up my cup of coffee and taking a drink from it. “Are you sure you can’t come with me?”

He smiled, shutting off the TV and leaning forward on the couch. “The only way I could go would be if we were eliminated from the Playoffs in the first round, and I hope you’re not wishing for that to happen.”

I pursed my lips, sinking back into the chair more. “No, I don’t want that to happen,” I assured him. “I’m just scared about being alone with my family for two weeks. If you were there-”

“If I was there you would use me as an excuse to not spend anytime with your brother or any other member of your family, and you wouldn’t resolve anything,” He interrupted. “Hanna, I know it’s scary to be face to face with your brother, especially when the two of you don’t get along and there’s a lot of bitterness there, but I really think that this is something you need to do.”

I groaned, “I know you’re right, but I really wish that you weren’t.”

Sidney laughed, “I think this will be really good for you. I don’t know if you realize how tightly you’re hanging onto this resentment, but I honestly believe that if you and Cameron at least attempt to settle things, that you could let go of it, and everything in front of you could become so much clearer. Maybe this is what you need to really figure out what you want to do with your life?”

I gulped back almost half of my coffee, ignoring the burning pain it left in my mouth. “If this hockey thing ever stops working for you, you should consider writing self-help books, because, I swear to God, Oprah would say that exact same thing to me. But she’s be in purple.”

Sidney laughed, “Why can you never just say thank you, Hanna? I’m basically saving your life and you mock me.”

“Saving my life?” I repeated, giggling a bit, “Yeah, okay. Because making me spend two weeks with my insane brother and naïve mother is such a life saving gesture.”

He made a face at me, “It won’t be as bad as you’re thinking it will be, anyways. I’m sure it will be fine.” He picked up his own cup, taking a drink from it before he turned back to me. “What day do you leave on?”

I shrugged, “I’m not sure. I think May 5th, or something like that.”

He grinned, “So you’ll still be here for your birthday?”

I felt my cheeks burn a bit. “You remember that, huh?”

“You sound surprised,” He observed. “IS it really that surprising?”

“Well, I guess most guys might forget, especially if he has as many priorities and as much stress as you,” I admitted.

Sidney gave me a half smile, standing up from his spot on the couch and coming over to stand in front of me. “I don’t know why you haven’t realized this yet, but you’re a priority for me now, which means that I make an effort to remember all of these things.”

I sighed, “Sidney, you need to stop saying sweet things like that. You’ll give me a heart attack one day from all the swooning.”

He laughed, “Oh, I’m sorry.”

I grabbed my cup of coffee, downing the rest of it before I stood up. “I guess I should get going since you have to be up early for the game day skate and all,” I said, holding my empty cup.

Sidney gave a soft nod, taking the cup from my hands and putting it back down on the table before leaning down to kiss me. “You have to go already?”

I sighed, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I can’t keep you up all night,” I said, rolling my eyes at the grin that crossed his face as soon as I had said it. “You have to be up at, like, seven, and then go skate around for an hour. We can’t. Besides, I’m supposed to meet Caity and Vero for brunch, so I need to be up relatively early anyways.”

Sidney wasn’t even really listening to me anymore. Somewhere between me reminding him of his morning skate and my own plans he had moved from listening to kissing my neck, and as hard as I was trying to act as if the same thought hadn’t even crossed my mind, the more he kissed down my neck the harder it was getting to remember my own arguments. “Sidney, I need to go home,” I barely managed to whisper, “we both have to be up early.”

Sidney lifted his head up, smirking at me a bit. “Here’s an idea; how about you just stay here tonight?”

I eyed him, trying to ignore the fact that his hands, which were on my lower back, were already resting beneath the fabric of my shirt. “I don’t have any clothes here,” I reminded him.

He shrugged, leaning down to catch my lips again for a moment. “You don’t need clothes.”

“I do tomorrow,” I said, trying to look past him so I could focus.

Sidney sighed, dropping his hands from around me and taking a step back .”I guess you’re right,” he admitted.

I finally looked back up at me, only then noticing how messy his hair had become at some point in the last few minutes and almost fell over right then. “You know what?” I asked, making him raise his eyebrows at me, “If you wake me up when you’re leaving I’ll have time to-”

I hadn’t even finished the sentence when Sidney had leaned back down to kiss me, the two of us standing there for a minute, lost in the kiss, before he pulled away and lifted me up, tossing me over his shoulder in a way that almost made me laugh as he carried me over to his room.

-----------------------------------

“Hanna?”

I groaned, rolling over and cracking open an eye to look up at Sidney. He had clearly been awake for awhile as he was kneeling next to the bed grinning at me, his hair still wet from the shower he must have just had. He had on a pair of jeans, but hadn’t found the time to throw on a shirt on yet. Despite how tired I was from a lack of sleep, the sight was enough to jolt me up. “Are you leaving?” I asked him, pulling up the blanket with me.

He nodded, reaching out and smoothing out my hair with a small smile. “You slept well, apparently.”

I sent him a curious glance before I placed a hand up on my head, groaning as I felt a wild mess of hair. “How bad is it?”

He laughed, “It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” “Do you want something to eat before you go?”

I smirked at him, still using one of my hands to try and fix my hair. “Do I want to eat before I leave to go eat? I’m good, thanks.”

He rolled his eyes, standing up and walking over to his dresser so he could grab a shirt. “Never mind then,” he mumbled, tugging a dark blue, long sleeved shirt over is his head before he turned around to look at me. “Are you getting up, or do you want me to leave you a key so you cam lock up after I leave?”

I glanced over at the clock, noting the time and sighed. “No, I should get up. I have to go home and change anyways, I won’t have enough time if I don’t do that now.”

He nodded, walking out of the room for a moment to make sure his hockey gear was ready to go, leaving me to pull on my clothes and walk into the bathroom, almost laughing at how horrible my hair looked. I splashed some water on my face to make sure I was fully awake before Sidney appeared next to me, smirking a bit. “I bought you a toothbrush, because I know you’re paranoid about bad breath.”

I smiled, accepting the tooth brush he held in his hand, still in it’s plastic package. “When did you buy this?”

“A couple of days ago,” he admitted, shrugging shyly.

I only grinned, picking up the tube of toothpaste next to the sink and starting to brush my teeth. Sidney watched me for a second, which made me a little uncomfortable, before he turned and headed back out to the living room, probably putting away the dishes we had left out the night before.

When I was done brushing my teeth and fixing my hair, I emerged from the room to see Sidney already ready to go. He grinned at me as I made my way over to him, putting on the flip flops I had worn over the night before. I raised my eyebrows at him questioningly, which he acknowledged by leaning down to kiss me, placing one hand on the side of my head, just below my ear, as the other one leaned down to pick up his hockey bag. “Ready?” He asked.

I laughed, “I have my own car here,” I reminded him.

Sidney shrugged, opening the front door and waiting for me to walk through it before he followed. “I know, but I didn’t want to just leave if we were both heading out anyways.”

I smiled at him, waiting for him to toss the bag into the back of his range rover. “I’ll talk to you later. I’m assuming tomorrow?”

He nodded, placing another kiss on my lips, “Yeah, I’ll call you tomorrow. The rest of today is pretty packed.”

I nodded, taking a moment to look up at him before I sighed, “Well, bye.”

He reached out and grabbed my hand before I could turn and head to my car, giving me a smirk. “Hanna?” He asked, making me look up at him again. “I love you.”

I smiled, giving his hand a squeeze. “I love you, too,” I said back, winking at him before I turned and walked over to my car, laughing when I saw him shaking his head at me before I climbed into my car and headed off.

------------------------------

It took three hours, and twenty minutes after Caity headed home, for Vero to finally turn to me and ask, “Did you have sex with Sidney?”

“Does everybody know about that?” I asked, suddenly self-conscience.

Vero laughed, “No! I don’t think Sidney has said anything, I mean, Marc-Andre didn’t say anything. You just seem different, and so does he lately.”

“Well…yeah, we’ve, you know, done that,” I said, looking away from her.

“You seem embarrassed?” Vero asked.

I sighed, “It’s just awkward to talk about, I guess. I wasn’t really expecting it to happen.”

“So it was just a one time thing?” She asked, laughing when I glanced up at her. “Oh, I see. You still feel guilty, but not enough to stop?”

“I don’t think guilt is the word,” I said. “It’s just that, I always thought I’d only be with one guy in my entire life, and that guy would be my husband. It was the idea that I was raised with, and I know that my parents would be completely horrified if they knew that I was doing more then kissing with Sidney,” I explained.

Vero nodded, playing with the buttons on her cardigan. “Do you think that Sidney is the man you’ll marry? Is that why you changed your mind?”

I froze with the cup of water I was about to drink half way to my mouth and glanced up at her. I had never, not once, even thought about that. I loved Sidney, I really did, but I never had the time to stop and wonder if he was the one. There were moments where I felt like I could probably spend forever next to him, and falling asleep in his arms the night before was one of them, but for the most part, I didn’t think about it. Now that the question had been asked, I almost felt sick. I had thrown away my morals for a guy that I wasn’t even positive I would marry? Had I become that girl?

“Hanna?” Vero asked, waving a hand in front of my face. “I’m sorry, did I upset you?”

I sighed, setting my cup down with shaky hands. “No, I just, I never really thought about marrying Sidney. I mean, it’s barely been four months. It’s too early to think about marriage.” Vero didn’t say anything, but the look on her face was enough to make me nod my head with shame. “I know. It’s too early for me to have thought about marrying him, but not too early for me to fall into bed with him.”

Vero chewed on her lip for a moment. “There are so many people who don’t even wait to be in love before they do that. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You love Sidney, and he loves you. Focus on that.” She waited to make sure I was done with the topic before she changed the subject. “So, when do you leave to go visit your family?”

“I don’t know the actual date,” I admitted. “But it’s just after my birthday. I’m staying with my parents for a couple of weeks, then lying out to PEI with them and staying there for a week or so. It’s going to be hard to be away from everyone for almost a month, but Sidney thinks it’s something I need to do, and he’s usually right about these things.”

Vero nodded, smiling at me. “How about we go and get some cute baby clothes for your soon to be born niece? Take your mind off of things.”

I grinned, “That would be a wonderful distraction,” I agreed, standing up from her couch. “Hey, Vero?” I asked, catching her before she left the room. “Thanks.”

She smiled, “I’m not sure what you are thanking me for, but you are welcome.”

I laughed, following her through the house and to the front door.