Monday, August 2, 2010

I Miss That

“Hanna stop pacing,” Peyton whined, reaching out to grab my arm and hauling me down to the couch beside her. “It’s not going to help you calm down or give you and idea of what Sidney has to say. All you’re doing is pissing me off.”

I frowned at her. “Well, sorry, Peyton. I’m sorry that my extreme nerves are bothering you, jerk. Oh, and I’m fine, thanks for asking.”

She laughed. “Hanna, seriously, do you think Sid would come all the way out here to say something mean to you? The guy won’t even trash talk other hockey players, Hanna?”

“Okay, that’s a valid point,” I agreed. “But it doesn’t make me any less nervous.” I lifted my hand up and scratched the back of my head quickly before I moved to the end of my seat. “How’s my hair?”

Peyton rolled her eyes. “Hanna, calm down. He probably won’t even be here for another-”

“Was that a knock?” I asked, cutting off her sentence.

“What? No, it was me talking, asshole,” she answered, standing up from the couch and making her way out of the living room and towards her own room, stopping when the sound of someone knock on our door was heard. “Oh. Maybe you did hear someone knocking,” she muttered, shooting me an apologetic smile. “I’ll be in my room, so you two will have your privacy.”

“I don’t know if I want privacy,” I admitted, standing up and slowly edging my way towards the door.

“Hanna, he clearly just wants to talk to you, and I have to call Kris and double check on dinner plans, anyways. You’ll be fine. You’ve talked to Sidney a million times.” She reminded me.

“That was different,” I began, stopping when there was another knock on the door before continuing, “I hadn’t slept with him, let him buy a house for us to live in and then admit that I was still a complete mess and needed some time.”

Peyton rolled her eyes again. “Hanna, stop being so dramatic and answer the damn door, okay?” She didn’t wait to see what I was going to say, already turning and making her way into her room before she had even gotten the last word out.

I had to take in a deep breath of air, reminding myself to let it out before I took the last few steps towards the door and pulled it open, staring up at Sidney. “You get taller every time I see you.”

He smiled, both of his hands in his pockets as he looked down at me. “I wish that were true.” He continued to looking at me, his eyes occasionally moving away from my face and towards the apartment behind me before he let out a soft laugh. “Are you going to let me in?”

I felt my face blush, stepping aside so he could enter the apartment watching as he slid his flip flops off and headed into the living room, waiting for me to join him before he sat down on the very edge of the beaten up arm chair, sitting with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands together. “How are you?” He asked me, his voice soft.

I shrugged, sitting with one leg curled beneath me so I could play the threads of my sock. “Good. I moved back in a couple of days ago, right after my counselling was done in Pittsburgh. I’m actually thinking about signing up for some more, since the therapist I had back there mainly talked about my family. Alissa was just kind of a background topic, and even though I see why he did that, I still feel like I need to talk more about the impact of her death a little more.” I lifted my eyes up to look at him, immediately intimidated by his gaze and looking back down at my lap. “What about you?”

I heard him sigh before he actually answered. “I’ve been busy. My workout schedule takes up most of my time. I don’t want to fall out of shape in the off season, so I’m pretty hard on myself during the summer.”

There was a long pause, and as much as I wanted to look up at him, I just couldn’t seem to bring myself to do so. I knew that Sidney didn’t hate me, even though there was a voice in my head telling me that he did, but I was still dealing with a lot of guilt over how things had ended, and every time I looked up and saw him looking back at me, it only seemed to intensify the guilt and the loneliness I had thrown onto myself.

Sidney eventually continued, clearly realizing that I wasn’t going to give in and meet his gaze. He told me about the interview’s he’d done, about how fatigued he was from the constant flying back and forth to make appearances that he had agreed to months ago. He told me about how his mom had made him help his dad remodel the kitchen, and about how the person he had spent the most time with was his agent and other coaches who had been at certain events that he had also been asked to show up too.

I finally lifted my head back up, relieved to see that Sidney was now looking down at the floor, not at me anymore, and debated whether I wanted to ask the question or not, before I finally just asked, “What happened to the house you bought?”

Sidney seemed to freeze, despite the fact that he wasn’t really moving to start with. His fingers, which he had been lightly tapping together, stopped, and his body to seem to jolt into a freeze frame. He didn’t say anything for a moment, and I was beginning to think that he wasn’t even going to answer, before he lifted his head up to look at me, letting me see the way his face had adapted this look that I didn’t even recognize, and answered, “I haven’t been to it since the day we… since you left.”

I sucked in my lower lip, giving a small nod and letting my eyes fall away from him again. “I’m sorry, Sidney.”

He didn’t reply to the apology, even though I managed to catch a glimpse of his face after I had issued the apology, which let me know that he had heard it. Instead he let out another loud sigh and leaned back a bit. “So, I hear your taking pictures now?”

“Yeah. Jory, the Canucks photographer, he’s taking me on as an assistant slash apprentice. He’s an interesting guy,” I answered, letting out a small laugh.

Sidney nodded, his focus on the window behind me. “I forgot how much I loved Vancouver,” he said, standing up from the couch and walking over to the window so he could look out it. “I can’t get over the mountains, or even the way the air feels different. Do you know what I mean?” He asked, turning around to glance at me. “Did you notice it when you came back from Pittsburgh, the way the air feels, I don’t know, heavier? But in the best way.”

I smiled, shaking my head, no. “I did not notice that. I missed the mountains, but I miss Pittsburgh a lot, actually. It’s beautiful out here, but Pittsburgh really felt like home for those six or so months that I was there.”

Sidney turned away from the window to look at me once more, taking a moment to study my face. He had caught my gaze when he turned around, and now that he had it, he held it, making sure that I was actually looking at him. “I’m glad you’re getting help, Hanna. You don’t deserve to hurt anymore.” He seemed to glance past me and at the clock hanging on the kitchen wall before he took a few steps back into the living room, Sidney’s subtle way of showing you that he had to leave. “And I’m really glad that you’re finding your passion. I didn’t even know that you were into photography.”

I gave him a soft smile, standing up from the couch but staying a few feet away from him. “I didn’t think I ever had a chance with it, honestly. It wasn’t until Elizabeth and Cameron bought me that camera that I remembered how much I loved it.”

He nodded, letting out an awkward laugh. “Yeah, when I heard that you were doing those headshots for Vero, I was really surprised. But, in a good way.” He glanced at the clock again before he looked back at me. “Are you coming with Peyton?”

I frowned, “Where is Peyton going?”

He smiled. “She didn’t tell you? The Olympic gala I’m going to, I’m actually leaving for it tonight, some of the team is coming with me. Kris, Max, Jordan and Tyler are all going, and obviously Kris is bringing Peyton. I got her an extra ticket for you, but I guess she didn’t tell you about it.”

I laughed, “She probably didn’t want to say anything in case you and I didn’t have a good talk today.”

He smirked at me, seeming to understand. “Well, I know this was a short visit, but I just…” he shrugged, looking down at the floor for a moment, seeming to try and find the words to finish his sentence before he looked back up at me. “I miss you, Hanna. And I wanted to make sure you were okay, that you were dealing with everything. I know things didn’t end well, and it will take some time before we’re less uncomfortable around each other, but, I really want to be friends again. I found that picture of you, Staalsy and I in the photo booth, and I miss that, you know?”

I had to take a moment to try and figure out what he was talking about before I laughed. “Oh yeah. The first day we ever spent any time together,” I remembered, smiling. “I miss that too.”

Sidney looked at me for another moment before he turned his gaze away from me and started making his way towards the door. “Well, I told Luongo I’d met him at GM Place in about two hours, and I still have to swing by Rick Bowness’ place and say hi.”

I frowned, “You know Rick Bowness?”

Sidney was already at the door, putting his flip flops on and tugging his car keys out of his pocket. “Yeah, he lives across the lake from me in Halifax. We go fishing together once in awhile, and his wife invites me over for dinner every so often.” He grinned, “He won’t tell me how to beat Luongo, though, the bastard.”

I laughed. “I didn’t know that. This whole time you’ve had an in to helping me meet the Canucks and you didn’t even tell me.”

Sidney just shrugged, his hand on the door handle as he looked over at me before giving me a small smile. “Bye, Hanna.”

I waved to him, falling backwards onto the couch as soon as he was out the door and groaning into my hands. I was going to be spending another evening with him now that he had invited me to the Olympic gala banquet, and even though I was grateful that he still wanted to be friends, I couldn’t get over how awkward this brief talk had been.

“Well, you’re not crying. That’s good,” Peyton said, startling me a bit.

I sat up, frowning at her. “Why didn’t you tell me about the Olympic gala?”

Peyton made a face, “Oh, right. So, there’s this Olympic gala tomorrow night in Alberta-”

“Yeah, I know. Sidney asked me if I was going and then had to awkwardly explain to me that he had given my best friend a ticket for me, and said best friend didn’t tell me!” I reminded her, grabbing a pillow from off of the couch and chucking it at her.

Peyton ducked, avoiding the pillow. “Yes, throw things at me. That will urge me to hand you the ticket and say, ‘hey, Hanna, why don’t you and I sit side by side on an airplane for two or so hours and hang out!’”

“Please, you’ll sit with Kris and stick me with Max,” I said.

Peyton laughed, “I totally would do that, you’re right.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “So, you want to go?”

“Well, I can’t not go after Sidney came and invited me,” I mumbled, falling back onto the couch. “What am I going to wear?”

“We’ll buy you a dress!”
I frowned, sitting back up and staring over at where Peyton was, utterly confused as to how Max, Jordan and Kris had ended up behind her. “How did you guys-”

“Right, funny story,” Peyton began, causing Jordan to burst into laughter, which caused the rest of us to turn and look at him. He stopped, giving an embarrassed smile. “Sorry, I thought laughing would make the explanation funnier, but I guess I should have waited for her to actually explain it.”

Peyton shook her head at him before she looked over at me again. “Well, they’ve all been here the whole time. We were all in my room, just in case you and Sid had a screaming match and we had to intervene.”

“But now that you know about the gala,” Max started, skipping over to me and sitting on my lap, making me groan from his weight, “we can all go shopping and get you all pretty.” He grinned, making a bit of a face before adding, “Well, prettier.”

I sighed. “Why do you always have to buy me a dress?”

“Because, I may be a man, but I can still appreciate a wonderful piece of clothing. But, since I’m a man, I can’t wear them, but I always wish I could buy them and feel beautiful.” He explained.

“What’s he’s trying to say,” Jordan cut in, “is that he buys you pretty dresses so that he can live vicariously through you.”

“If you feel beautiful, we all feel beautiful,” Kris added.

I laughed, pushing Max off of me and completely ignoring his overdramatic cry of pain as I stood up from the couch. “Well, I guess I can appreciate that.”

“Good,” Kris said, letting out a yawn before he continued, “because Max already bought a few dresses for you to try on.”

“I went with him to make sure he got your size.” Peyton assured me. “And also to stop him from buying this unfortunately fuchsia coloured dress with silver sparkles all over the neckline.”

“The dress was beautiful Hanna,” Max told me, grabbing onto one of my legs with a long sigh. “If I had the bust for it, I would be in it right now.”

“Okay, someone please give me a distraction to get the image of Max in that dress out of my head,” I whined.

“In my head, he purple lipstick, dark blue eye shadow and some serious curls,” Jordan told me, laughing at the facial expressions we all gave him. “But if you want a distraction, I’m starving, and I’ve been told that Vancouver has the best sushi.”

“I could actually go for some sushi,” I agreed, kicking Max off of my leg and heading over to where the shoe closet was. “What time do we have to leave tomorrow?” I asked.

“Around noon, I think,” Peyton answered, already waiting with the door open. “You sure you want to go?”

“I’m positive,” I answered. Smiling at her before I stepped out of the apartment, waiting for the rest of them to join me.

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