Running

I chewed on my lip, re-reading the email from my mother which was filled with all of the details on when and where she and my dad would be flying out to see Cameron and Elizabeth. It wasn’t for another two months, and yet the women couldn’t stop talking to me about it. I had told her that I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but I was leaning more towards not going. That didn’t seem to phase her, and at least once every three days since I was bombarded with voicemails, emails and even a post card, about how “lovely” it would be if I changed my mind.

I sighed, closing my lap top and setting it down on the coffee table with a yawn. Despite how much I was enjoying my job at Cups of Cakes, the bakery Vero’s father owned, I seemed to find it exhausting. After two weeks of working there, my hours had been changed to a typical bakers; 5:45am-1:45pm. It also meant that I was only baking, not doing dishes or working with the customers, but I hadn’t adjusted to the hours yet, and the fatigue was becoming increasingly hard to deal with. My inability to sleep when it was still light out didn’t help, since it meant I could never nap, so I was trying to find things to do that would fill the time and keep me awake.

I tied my hair back, grabbing my ipod and house key from the kitchen counter and stepping out the door, making sure to lock it behind me and tuck the key into the pocket of my shorts as I stepped down from the step leading up to the door. Even though I had never been much of an athlete, I had always loved running. I used to go for a morning jog before my shift at the Ice Rink would start, but since I had moved out to Pittsburgh, I hadn’t done much of that. Now that the weather was getting mildly warmer, I figured it was a good chance to start.

My feet hit the pavement sluggishly at first, and I had to take a couple of deep breaths and remind myself that I used to love jogging before I could fall into a steady pace, trying to keep control of my breathing and focus on the music playing in my ears instead of the burning muscles in my legs. It didn’t take more then a few moments before my brain had wondered away from controlling how much air I was letting in and out of lungs and onto the subject of Cameron. Even though the thought of him and the things he had say to me, the way he had piled all of the blame for Alissa’s death onto my shoulders and completely disregarded both my parents and I for the past few years was enough to make my pulse echo in my head, I still had this annoying voice in the back of my mind telling me that I should go and try to make some form of amends with him.

I rounded a corner, not even entirely sure of where I was running towards anymore, and began to make a mental list of pros and cons regarding the whole situation, trying to decide what I was going to do. I had two months left to decide, and even though that seemed like such a large amount of time, I had other aspects to take into consideration. With the playoffs about to start, I had Sidney to think about as well. Even though he had already told me that if I chose to go, he completely supported that, I knew there had to be a piece of him that didn’t want me to be hours away while he was making run for a second straight Stanley Cup, especially with all of the pressure that was already being placed upon him by TV analysts and sports reporters. There was also Peyton, who was going to be finished with her brief in-between semester/summer course pretty soon and wanted to come out and stay with me again. Then there was my new job. Could I take a couple of weeks off when I had only been there for a couple of months?

When my lungs felt like they were about to burst into flames I stopped, leaning down and taking in a few deep breaths, tearing my headphones out of my ears as I tried to calm down my heart rate. I finally stood back up, glancing around to see how far from my place I had run and almost laughing when I realized that my feet had carried me all the way down to where Sidney was. I had to walk another block before I arrived at the Lemieux’s house, pulling my cell phone out and calling Sidney to let him know he had to come get me.

He came running out of his house seconds after I told him I was there, grinning at me as he opened up the gate to let me in. “Look at you, being all athletic.”

I rolled my eyes, too tired to say anything snaky back. “My whole body hurts.”

He laughed, shutting the gate behind me. “When did you start running?”

I grabbed his wrist, glancing down at his watch. “An hour ago?”

“Oh my gosh,” he responded, laughing. “Hanna, you’re going to kill yourself. You’re supposed to work yourself into runs, not start with an hour long one. Did you at least pace yourself?”

I looked up at him, leaning on him because my legs hurt so much I could barely stand up. “By pace yourself do you mean run as fast as you can for an hour?”

“No, I mean the exact opposite,” He told me. “Look at you, your face is all red and you can barely stand up. Don’t do that to yourself.”

“Why is your house so far away?” I whined.

Sidney let out a small laugh, looking down at me as I scowled over at his house. “Alright, I need you to promise that you’re not going to tell anyone what I’m about to do.”

“Why, are you going to kill me?” I asked.

Sidney rolled his eyes, stopping and turning to look at me, lifting one of my arms up over his shoulders and scooping me up in his arms to carry me the rest of the way to his house, making me laugh. “I can’t believe this is happening!”

“It’s not happening, remember? No one hears about this,” He reminded me, setting me down just outside of his front door so he could open it up and usher me inside. Once I had collapsed on his couch Sidney grabbed me a bottle of water, setting it down on the table in front of me and sitting down on the chair beside the couch. “So, what inspired you to go for a run?”

I sighed, trying to sit up before I answered. “Well, it’s mainly because I’m struggling to stay awake through the day with my new hours at the bakery, and I used to go for jogs all the time while I was still in high school, so I figured it was a good idea,” I explained. “But I think I made it through two songs and then my mind just went straight over to whether I want to go with my parents and see Cameron or not.”

Sidney nodded playing with the zipper of his sweatshirt. “What are your thoughts on it today?”

I had to take a few gulps of water before I could respond, still trying to catch my breath, fully aware that still being this breathless meant I was far more out of shape then I had thought. “I’m still mad about everything he’s done,” I began, earning a nod from Sidney, “but I also want to try and make things better, I guess. I mean, I’ve hated him for seven years now, I might as well try to not hate him, right?”

Sidney nodded, “It’s probably better to try and fix things then continue to carry the grudge.”

“Yes, it is,” I agreed. “but at the same time, I want to be here during the playoffs. I mean, if I don’t basically beat the worries out of you, you don’t talk about them.”

Sidney sighed, “Hanna, you have a phone. You can call me and make me whine to you over the phone. Besides, you‘ll be there for the first round for sure, and part of the second if we make it that far.”

“I know, but I want to be there for all of it, and I want to go to the games and yell at all the people who call you names. Plus, Peyton wants to come out and stay with me once she’s done her classes, and I don’t want to let down Vero’s dad by asking for time off right off the bat. I mean, I just started the job, right? I can’t just leave and let down all of you.”

Sidney smiled, watching me for a moment before he spoke. “Do you remember when you and I first started talking, when I was still trying to convince both of us that I didn’t want a relationship?”

“Oh yes. I loved those days,” I mumbled, taking another drink from my water as Sidney chuckled.

“The thing that attracted me to you, besides how beautiful you are,” he began, making me blush, “was that you constantly told me to stop thinking about everyone else and to take a moment to consider what I wanted. You always told me stop putting aside my own feelings to benefit everyone else. Remember that?”

I nodded, “I do. And I stand by that, because you always seem to get the blame and rarely any of the praise.”

He smiled, “Well, my point was that you should take your own advice. What do you want? Don’t worry about me or Peyton, and Vero’s dad is the most understanding man I’ve ever met, he would give you a couple of weeks off to go fix things with your brother. If you feel like this is something you need to do, then do it. My parents will be out here to support me, and Peyton can either stay here by herself or tell Kris to find her somewhere to stay. What do you want?”

I shrugged, “I’m not sure yet.”

He smirked at me, “Yes you are. You just don’t want to admit it yet.”

I eyed him, sighing. “I do want to go see my family. But I’m worried about how bad things could get if I go.”

“What about how bad they could get if you don’t?” He asked.

I groaned, leaning my head back against the couch. “I still want to think about it. I‘m just…I‘m not sure about any of this right now. I mean, I know baking seems to be where I‘m heading now, but looking at my future in it‘s entirety, I don‘t know what I want yet. I‘m not really sure about anything anymore, I guess. I just…I just need more time.”

He nodded, seeming to understand., “Definitely. Make sure you’re ready before you head over there. This is a big deal. I mean, it’s more then just seeing your brother for the first time in awhile, it’s being there to meet your niece for the first time ever. That’s a big deal.”

I nodded, finishing off the water he had handed me earlier and letting out a big breath of air. “I’m changing the subject now,” I decided, making him laugh. “How are you feeling about the playoffs?”

He sighed, “I’m alright. I mean, I’ve done this a few times now, right?” He joked. “I’m trying not to get too caught up in it. The mental side of it is more wearing than the physical, which I think a lot of people don’t take into account. I’m trying to just focus on the last couple of games before I throw myself into playoff mode.”

I pulled my legs up onto the couch, noticing the goose bumps that had prickled all over my skin. “I am so cold now.”

Sidney smiled, standing up from his chair and walking over to a small closet I hadn’t noticed before, grabbing a blanket out of it and tossing it towards me. “Are you staying here for awhile? Because I’ll make you dinner if you are.”

I grinned, unfolding the blanket and covering my legs with it. “You’re going to cook for me?”

He smiled, standing a few feet away from the couch. “I’m assuming that means yes, you are staying?”

“Well, my legs hurt so much I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to walk again,” I admitted.

Sidney laughed. “Okay then. I’ll make us something to eat and then drive you home.”

I smiled at him, glancing down at my sweaty jogging gear and sighing. “So, awkward question,” I asked, causing him to stop and turn to face me. “Can I use your shower? I mean, I know you’re too nice to say anything, but I definitely smell.”

He laughed, “I honestly didn’t notice, but if you want to, sure. Do you need clothes?”

I made a face, “Do you have pants that fit me?”

He shook his head, “No, but there are four girls living in the rest of this house, I’m sure one of them has something you can wear. Do you want me to go check?”

“I’ll go ask myself, because otherwise you’ll grab me something that doesn’t fit and then I’ll cry for days,” I told him, kicking off the blanket and standing up, groaning immediately. “Oh my goodness, my thighs hurt so much.”

Sidney laughed, “Are you sure you don’t want me to go ask? You know you have to walk up a flight of stairs just to get into their house, right?”

I sighed, “Well…can I call them or something?”

He rolled his eyes, picking up his phone and punching in a number and asking for Nathalie. “Hey, Nathalie, how are you?” He asked, listening for a moment. “I’m good, I was actually calling for a favour,” He began, glancing over at me, “Hanna is here and-” he stopped, obviously being interrupted. I couldn’t hear what was being said to him, but by the way his face was tinged pink and he looked down at the floor with an embarrassed smirk, I’m assuming it was about me. “Yeah, she is,” he agreed, glancing at me once more briefly. “Anyways, uhm, she went for a run and basically killed herself, and now she needs new clothes to wear. Any chance there’s a pair of pants you or one of the girls can lend her?”

I picked up the blanket up from off of the floor and wrapped it around me again, watching as Sidney listened to Nathalie before he turned to me. “Hanna, what size are you?”

“Whoa, give me the phone, I’m not telling you that,” I said, trying to race over to him.

He rolled his eyes, “She doesn’t want to tell me. I’m assuming five.”

I laughed, “Oh, Sidney. You’re sweet. Give me the phone.”

“Six? Seven? Just tell me, I don’t care!” He said, holding the phone away from me with a grin. “I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”

“If my leg didn’t hurt so much, I would kick you so hard!” I yelled, making him laugh.

He lowered the phone back down, listening to Nathalie, “Okay, that’ll work. Thank you.” He hung up, smirking at me. “She’ll grab you a pair of sweatpants.”

I sighed, “Sometimes, you’re an asshole.”

He grinned, setting the phone down. “You good with chicken and rice?”

“Yes. Are you going to tell it what size I am?”

He laughed, “I can’t believe you made such a big deal out of that. You know that guys don’t actually care what size you are, right?” He asked. “And you don’t actually think you’re fat or anything, do you?” He asked, the grin fallin away, “Hanna, you don’t think you’re fat, do you?”

“No, not really, but I still don’t want to talk about what size pants I wear,” I told him. “It’s a girl thing.”

“It’s a dumb thing,” He corrected. “You shouldn’t be scared to tell me things like that. I don’t care. I mean, I obviously think you’re beautiful, and that’s great, but I’m in love with who you are, not just what you look like.”

I felt my heart melt a little bit, staring over at him in silence. Sidney, who usually would have cleared his throat and tried to change the subject, held my gaze, only breaking it when there was a knock at the downstairs door, causing him to head over and answer it.

Nathalie stepped into kitchen, smiling over at me. “Hanna, I’m so happy to see you again.”

I smiled back, wrapping the blanket tighter around me. “Hi Nathalie. Thank you so much for finding me some clothes. I smell really disgusting right now.”

She laughed, “I wouldn’t have noticed, I married a hockey player. They usually smell.”

I smiled, watching as she handed off the clothes to Sidney, mumbling something to him before she smiled and waved to me once more, heading back upstairs.

Sidney sighed, locking the door behind Nathalie and walking over to me, setting the clothes down on the back of the couch right beside me. He reached out, placing both of his hands on my hips and tugging me towards him so he could look down at me. “Please don’t ever listen to the voice in your head that tells you that you are anything less then perfect.”

I smiled, letting out a breathy laugh. “Sidney, no one is perfect.”

He lifted up one of his hands to brush my bangs away from my eyes. “I don’t mean perfect as in without faults,” he explained, pausing briefly. “I mean perfect for me.”

I felt my breath get caught in the back of my throat, looking up at him as he ran his fingers through my hair, not sure of when I had taken it out of it’s ponytail or if he had done that. I stood up on the tips of my toes, pressing my lips against his, running my hands up his arms to the back of his neck, feeling my back hit the back of the couch when Sidney responded, knocking me back a step.

Even though Sidney and I had had our moments of heated kissing, it never seemed to feel as intense as it did in that moment. He was so close to me I could feel every time he inhaled, and my one hand was tangled in the back of his curling hair, keeping his lips pressed against mine despite the lack of oxygen both of us were in need of. It wasn’t until I reached down and grabbed the bottom of his shirt that he pulled away, one hand already underneath the fabric of my shirt on my back and the other cupping my face. “Hanna, we shouldn’t…I mean, I don’t think we should-”

“Sidney,” I cut him off, letting one of my hands reach up and rest on the side of his face, the other still holding a fist full of his t shirt, “my entire life has been about being careful and not jumping into things,” I told him, my voice quiet. “There isn’t a single thing in my life that I have ever been sure about, except for you. You’re the first thing in my life that I know I want. So stop trying to tell me that I don’t want this.”

He licked his lips, studying my face for a moment, still breathing deeply, before he leaned down and kissed me again, the passion behind it so strong that my knees actually felt like they were shaking. It only took a moment before he broke away from me, just for a moment so I tug his shirt over his head and he could move over a couple of feet, leaning back down to cover my face and neck in kisses as he backed me through the living room and into his room.

There was a brief moment, somewhere between my shirt coming off and Sidney’s body falling on top of mine, that I stopped to wonder if I was actually ready for this. If I was sure that Sidney was really the guy I wanted to give up my virginity to, and if I was only doing this because my mind was so heavy with fears. But when Sidney stopped kissing my neck and placed a hand on the side of my face again, leaning down to ask if I was sure, there was no doubt in my mind anymore. So I lifted my head up to kiss him again, running my hands down his back as I nodded. And then it was too late to change my mind.