Reflections

I wiped away the steam on the bathroom mirror and had to take a second to stare at my reflection, hugging the towel tightly around my body as I did so. I looked over my face, looking to see if there was some sort of change in my appearance. I’m not sure what I was expecting, if somehow looking at me now anyone who had seen me before would know that I had just handed over my so called “innocence” to Sidney, but looking over my face in the bathroom of Sidney’s house, I looked basically the same, save for the wet hair.

I eventually sighed, turning away from the mirror so I could start to change into the clothes Nathalie had brought down for me. When I had snatched them off of the couch on my journey from Sidney’s room to the bathroom, I had only noticed the sweatpants and t shirt. Nathalie was clearly a more caring lady then I had assumed, as when I unfolded the pants, a pair of underwear and a bra fell to the floor. I didn’t know whether to laugh at the fact that she had stolen one of her daughters bras, or be completely weirded out by the fact that she had guessed my bra size. I chose neither option, and instead changed quickly into the clothes, hanging the towel up on the back of the door before placing my hand on the door knob.

And then I waited there.

I knew that when I eventually emerged from the washroom, things could be different. It was my own fault. Sidney had wanted to talk, but his phone went off and I convinced him to answer it, almost running out of the bed room as soon as he did so and jumping into the shower. I could hear him moving around in the kitchen, and even though there was a large part of me that just wanted to run back into his arms, there was also a part of me that was starting to worry that maybe I had just done the wrong thing. Maybe I had just rushed our relationship, taken a step that we shouldn’t have taken yet. I had always assumed that the only man I would ever be having sex with would be the guy I ended up marrying, and yet, here I was. Twenty years old and hiding in my boyfriend’s bathroom because I was so nervous about what our relationship would be now.

I eventually came to realize that nothing could be solved if I was hiding in his bathroom, and that Sidney probably thought I had crawled out a window and flown back to Vancouver by now, so I took a deep breath and opened the door. I almost ran back into the bathroom as soon as I remembered that I had no make-up on, before scolding myself with, “Hanna, he’s seen you naked now,” and forcing myself to take a few more steps, peeking my head around the corner to peer over at Sidney in the kitchen and try to see what he was doing. Again, I don’t know what I was expecting. In the heat of the moment, I hadn’t even stopped to wonder about the after math. Now, I was basically hiding from him in his own house because I was partially convinced that he would want nothing to do with me now.

I couldn’t see Sidney from the corner I was peering around, so, I finally faced my fears and stepped into the kitchen so I could see him.

Sidney turned around, clearly having heard me, and smiled. “Are you still hungry? Because the chicken is almost ready.”

I looked from where he was standing to the oven, only then noticing that there was something in it, suddenly aware of the smell of chicken and something else. “Doesn’t chicken take, like, half an hour to cook?”

He gave me another half smile, looking away from me as he answered, “You took about half an hour.”

I had unknowingly balled up the bottom fabric of the shirt I was wearing and was twisting it around in my hand. “Sorry about that. I was worried that things were going to be really awkward-”

“Yes, so leaving would definitely fix things,” He interrupted, looking back up at me.

I stopped twisting up the shirt and took a tentative step towards him, stopping and looking over his expression before I took a few more steps and stopped just in front of him, looking up at him. “I’m sorry. I was just, I don’t know, scared? I was really worried that you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.”

Sidney looked like he was about to laugh as he reached out and pulled me closer to him. “Hanna, I love you. I’m not just going to change my mind about that.”

I sighed, leaning against him. “I guess I was just worried that we made a mistake by…doing that,” I admitted.

He placed his hand under my chin, forcing me to look up at him. “Do you think it was a mistake?”

I stared up at him for a few seconds, actually thinking over the question. I took in a deep breath of air, making sure my lungs were full before quietly answering, “No.”

He nodded, the corners of his mouth tugging up at the corner a bit. “I don’t either,” he kissed my forehead, having to step away from me as the timer on the oven went off. “But, just a note,” he said, looking at me over his shoulder as he grabbed a hand towel and used it as a make-shift oven mitt, pulling the sheet of chicken out of the oven and setting it down on the stove top, “next time you have sex with a guy, don’t leave the room as soon as it’s over.”

I smirked at him, making my way over to the small table and sitting down. “Noted.”

He glanced back at me once more with a grin before he set back to plating the chicken and rice he had cooked.

---------------------------------------------

“So, if you do end up going to PEI, I can still stay at your place?” Peyton asked.

I yawned, pulling the phone away from my face as I did so before moving it back. “Yeah, I’ll leave a copy of the key with Kris and make sure my fridge is packed with food,” I promised. “I don’t see why you don’t just stay with Kris, though.”

“Are you kidding me?” She asked, a hint of amusement in her voice. “Hanna, if I’m alone in a house with Kris, I’m going to sleep with Kris, and I don’t want to do that.”

I felt all the blood in my body rush to my face, suddenly feeling as if there was a fire burning beneath the surface of my skin. “Why not?”

“Really? We’ve barely been a couple, and I don’t want to rush things. Besides, I made the mistake of sleeping with my last boyfriend too soon and it completely destroyed the relationship,” she reminded me. “And aren’t you the one who lectured me when I told you I was thinking about sleeping with Jared? You were all, ‘Peyton you shouldn’t have sex with a guy unless he’s your husband or you plan to make him your husband’? I can almost hear you saying it in my head, I swear.”

I gulped, grabbing the glass of water that was in front of me and pressing it up against my face in an attempt to cool it. “Well, I mean, we were seventeen when that happened. You’re twenty-one now. I’m sure you can make your own decisions.”

Peyton laughed, “What? Hanna, what has Pittsburgh done to you?”

I sighed, “I guess you’re right. If you’re desperate to make sure you don’t do anything you don’t want to, then my house is yours to stay in.”

“Thank you,” She said. “So, what’s new with you?”

“Oh, nothing,” I answered, my voice a little shaky, “just been working at the bakery. I took up jogging.”

“Wow, that sounds awesome,” Peyton replied, sarcasm evident in her voice. “What about Sidney what’s he been doing?”

I winced, thankful that she couldn’t see me. “He’s good.”

“Staying in shape?” She asked, joking.

“Ha…yeah, he’s in shape,” I said back, scratching my head awkwardly.

“I miss you guys. All of you. I even miss Max and Jordan a little bit,” she admitted, letting out a sigh. “Well, I guess I should let you get you bed so you’re up and ready for work,” She mumbled.

“Yeah, I have a job,” I reminded her lamely, almost smacking my forehead at how obvious my discomfort had just become.

“Uh…yes you do,” she said, pausing. “Hanna, are you okay?”

“I’m great!” I yelled, hearing her jump on the other end. “I mean, you know, I’m good. The weather here is really nice right now.”

Peyton was silent for a moment, “What is your deal? You’re acting really weird, I’m kind of worried. Did you and Sid have a fight?”

“No, Sidney and I are fine,” I told her. “I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong, I’m just tired.”

“Are you sure?” She asked.

“I’m positive, Peyton, don’t worry about me. Just let me know when you’re going to be coming down here so I can give Kris the key to my place. But make sure you get it back,” I reminded her.

“Well, I’d need it to get into the house,” She reminded me. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I am great. I’ll talk to you some other time,” I told her, hanging up before any further questioning could continue.

I sighed, leaning my head back and groaning. I had expected Peyton to be the one person I could talk to about the fact that I had slept with Sidney, but now I almost felt guilty about it. I took a drink of my water, trying to decide if it was late enough that I could just crawl into bed or not when the phone went off again, startling me. I almost knocked my glass of water, but managed to place it back down on the table before answering. “Hello?”

“You had sex with Sidney!” Peyton screamed into the phone, causing me to almost drop it from how loud she was.

“How did you know?” I asked, my voice sounding meek.

“You were acting weird, and you basically encouraged me to sleep with Kris and…you had sex? You. Hanna Ashton, you had sex?”

I sighed, “I know. I wasn’t planning on it, it just kind of happened,” I tried to explain.

There was a long pause, so long that I actually thought she had hung up the phone for a moment. “Well…how was it?”

“Peyton!” I whined, feeling my face heat up once more.

“Come on! You had sex with Sidney Crosby, you can’t expect me to not ask that.”

I shook my head. “I’m not talking to you about this. I’m not talking to anyone about it.”

Peyton laughed, “Yeah, okay. Because you haven’t spent every minute since you left his house wanting to talk to someone about it.”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek for a moment. “I just started thinking about how I might be heading out to PEI and wouldn’t see him for couple of weeks, and then he said some really sweet things to me and I just… I don’t know.” I let out a sigh, my eye catching the locket necklace Sidney had given me, which was sitting on the kitchen counter, right where I had left it. “I love him, Peyton.”

She sighed, “I know you do. Just, do me a favour?”

“What’s that?” I asked, already walking over to the counter and picking up the necklace.

“Don’t rush things. I know you love him, but I also know you, and you need to take a step back and make sure that Sidney’s the guy you see yourself spending the rest of your life with before you two start taking even bigger steps,” she said seriously.

“Peyton, it’s not like I’m going to run off and elope with him,” I laughed.

“I know that,” she said. “But if you give everything you have to this guy, and he’s not the one you end up with, you can never get it back. I know it’s too late now, and don’t think that I’m trying to ruin your first time for you, I’m just trying to keep you from getting hurt. There’s a lot happening in your life right now, and I don’t want Sidney to only serve as a distraction, okay?” She asked.

I nodded, “Okay. I’m not going to do anything stupid though, you know that, right?”

Peyton took a moment to answer. “Love can do strange things to you, Hanna. Especially when hard times hit you. Try to think your head right now, because your heart? Your heart just wants to feel good, it doesn’t want to do what’s right.”

“When did you become a poet?” I joked, trying to play off the situation as lighter then it was.

Peyton sighed, “I’ll call you in a day or so, alright? Say hi to Sidney for me.” She was gone before I could say anything more.