Changes

Peyton sat on the floor across me, twisting her mouth from side to side as she watched me sit with my gaze on the floor, the boxes filled with my few belongings around us. She sighed, reaching out and putting a hand on my leg. “Hanna, it’s okay if you weren’t ready. I mean, I don’t mean to be a jerk, but we both knew you weren’t ready to live with him,” she reminded me, causing me to lift my head up and look at her as she gave a shrug. “I mean, I figured you’d last a few days, not less than an hour, but still. You knew you weren’t ready. Why’d you even go?”

It was my turn to shrug as I rubbed my hand back and forth against the carpet, not looking up at Peyton. “I wanted to be ready. I didn’t want to carry around these issues anymore, and I love Sidney. I wanted to prove to everyone that they were wrong, and we weren’t going to fast, and… it all made sense when I packed everything.”

Peyton nodded, blowing her bangs away from her face and studying me for another moment before asking, “What are you going to do now?”

I let out a long breath of air, picking at some loose threads in the carpet as I shrugged, finally lifting up my tired eyes to look at her. “I’m getting counselling. And, I’m moving in with Vero, she’s planning to transfer out here to Pittsburgh University, so we’re getting an apartment together. I’m going to keep working at the bakery until something better comes up, and hope that one day Sidney will speak to me again.”

“So, in short, you’re not even sure?” Peyton asked.

“Not really. I know I need counselling. I mean, I was ready to just throw my life and problems at Sidney and hope he would deal with it for me. I see now that you have to deal with it yourself. I can’t ignore it anymore.”

“I’m glad you see that,” Peyton told me, scooting closer to me. “Hanna, I know that you’re really upset and confused right now, but it’s not bad to step away from some things in order to sort yourself out. The point of you coming out to Pittsburgh wasn’t to date Sidney Crosby, it was to find some head space.”

I nodded, forcing a smile at her. “Well, all I have is space now, right?”

“Don’t get all melodramatic on me, Hanna,” Peyton laughed, earning a genuine smirk out of me. “This is going to be okay. You’ll get help, you’ll move out of Pascal’s basement, you’ll figure out what you want to do with your life.” She paused, putting a hand on my shoulder. “And Sid just needs to calm down. It might take him a few days, but you know he’s not the type to cut you out of his life. He’ll want to make sure you’re okay.”

I nodded, trying to convince myself that I believed her.

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“Hanna, stop sulking,” Vero ordered, making me jump away from the box I was about to pick up. “We have unpacking to do.”

“I have unpacking to do,” I corrected. “You told me you were looking for a place, not that you had one.”

She smiled, “Well, Marc-Andre bought me this place. I was trying to find my own place because I feel bad just accepting things from him, but this is the best apartment for two people. It has a fireplace.”

I laughed, “Well, two friends can only share an apartment if there’s a fireplace. I agree.” I picked the box up and carried it into the room that was slowly being turned into my own. “I’m sorry by the way. I’m sorry that I ruined your plans of finding your own place, without Marc’s help, because I’m a head case.”

Vero shot me a stern look, frowning at me. “Hanna, don’t you dare. Even though I do think that Sidney has a right to be so upset, I also see why it happened. You need to take a little time and get help. If being here with me will help you with that, I am happy to have you.”

I smiled at her, “Thanks, Vero. I really appreciate it. I know the Dupuis’ weren’t going to kick me out because Sidney and I broke up, but I felt like I couldn’t continue mooching off of his friends. Not when he hates me.”

“Sidney doesn’t hate you,” Vero corrected me. “He’s only so sad because he sees that this break is best for you. And I think that a part of him knew that you weren’t ready to live with him. Give him a little bit of time to deal with this and he’ll be back to calling you and asking how you are.” She sighed, putting both hands on her hips and glancing around at the apartment. “Well, I think that we have had made good progress. Do you want to take a break and maybe get some food to eat?”

I wiped the palm of my hands on my jeans and nodded. “Yes, I would love to eat something. I’m starving.”

She nodded, turning to grab her purse and accidentally knocking over a bag of my things, causing my pictures from my family trip, a few tubes of lip gloss, some books and my cell phone, immediately apologizing and bending down to pick up everything she had knocked over.

“Don’t even worry about it,” I assured her, helping to gather up the bags belongings.

Vero let out a soft gasp from beside me, causing me to turn and glance at her. “Hanna, who took these?” She asked, lifting up one of the pictures of baby Alison and looking at me expectantly.

I glanced at the picture, stacking up the few books that had fallen. “I did. Cameron and Elizabeth bought me a camera while I was there, and I pretty much spent all of my time taking pictures.”

She nodded, looking at a few more pictures. “Hanna, you are a wonderful photograph.”

I tried not to laugh at her improper English, instead smiling. “Thanks, Vero.”

“No, I mean it,” she said, standing back up and looking through a few more of the pictures before looking back up at me. “I actually could use your help. I need someone to take head shots of me.”

“Head shots? For what?” I asked, putting the books back into the bag.

She gave me an embarrassed glance, looking back down at the counter. “Well, I’m thinking of maybe doing some modeling.”

“What? Vero, that’s amazing. You’re totally perfect for that, you’re all tall and gorgeous. Are you sure you want me to take the pictures?” I asked her.

“I’m sure. I’ll even pay you, if you want,” she bargained.

I laughed, “Your family is going to pay my rent, I swear. With my job at your dad’s bakery and you paying me to take pictures.”

She only smiled. “Come on, let’s go get food, and then we can see when picture time can happen.”

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The apartment that Vero and I were living in was quite a change from the Dupuis basement. Aside from the fact that I had to take an elevator up three stories, there was the new layout, which had the kitchen across my room instead of beside the living room as I had grown accustomed too, and a decent sized living room, which was the first thing you saw when you walked in, a bathroom in between Vero and I’s room, and no long hallway like I had in my basement suite. Even though I had lived alone there, being alone in the apartment was almost spooky. We weren’t even completely moved in, given, it had only been a few days, but with Vero having a few days off, I had grown used to her company already. My shifts at the bakery started early, meaning I was home early and left alone for long stretches of time. It gave me far too much time to think about the last week, and how I had gone from starting to mend things with my brother, and having an incredible boyfriend who wanted to move in with me, to being miserable, about to start counselling, and living with a French girl who, even though she was all kinds of sweet, didn’t understand my love of Wheel Of Fortune.

I flopped down on the couch, letting out a long sigh as I grabbed the remote, trying to distract myself from how many changes were occurring around me. My parents had no idea about any of the sudden changes, especially Sidney since they were so in love with him, and now that Peyton had to fly back out to Vancouver, I had been living in my head too much. Trying to keep myself from focusing on the fact that Sidney hadn’t spoken to me since I left the mansion he had bought in tears and asked Max to come pick me up, I began flipping through all the channels, trying to find something to amuse me. Just as I had seemed to settle on a re-run of [I]Wizards of Waverly place[/I], there was a knock at the door.

I had to stretch before I was able to walk towards the door, my ponytail stuck in the back of my shirt, making me reach back and fix it as I pulled open the door, freezing mid-motion as I looked up at Sidney’s blank face, my breath catching in my throat and my mind seeming to just lose track of itself as I stared up at him. “Sidney. I didn’t think you’d want to see me.”

He rolled his jaw, looking past me and not at me. “I didn’t. Max drove me here and said I had to talk to you.”

I felt my shoulders sag down, my eyes dropping from him and to the floor. “Oh.” I cleared my throat, “Well, I can tell Max that you came here and we talked everything out if you just want to leave.”

He nodded, “Thanks,” he turned away from me and made his way back down the hall towards the elevators, making me suck my bottom lip in as I was suddenly hit with a wave of emotions again.

I shut the door, wiping away the few tears that were leaking down my face before I leaned against the wall, trying to compose myself so I could walk back over to the living room.

I knew that it was my fault that Sidney wasn’t a fan of mine anymore, but I hadn’t expected him to actually avoid talking to me when I was right in front of him. Seeing him just turn away from me without a second thought, it was enough to just about break me.

Another knock on the door caused me to push myself away from the wall, wipe my face and tug the door open, just about crying again when I saw that it was Sidney once more.

He sighed, “I’m sorry. I’m still…. I’m still trying to decide how I feel, and even though I’m still really mad at you, I shouldn’t have done that.”

I nodded, unable to say anything more to him and choosing to step aside and let him come into the apartment instead. Sidney brushed past me, not even bothering to take off his shoes, and paused to glance around the apartment before he sat down in the armchair, waiting for me to shut the door and sit across from him on the couch before sighing. “So, what’s your plan now?” He asked.

I chewed in the inside of my cheek for a second, not able to meet his gaze. “I’m starting counselling next week to deal with Alissa’s death and my family’s trouble, and I’m going to go back to doing photography for fun. I’d forgotten about how much I loved taking pictures until I was in PEI.”

He nodded, rubbing his hands together. “Well, I’m really happy for you,” he said, standing up from the chair.

I stood up, too. “Sidney,” I started, watching as he hesitated before turning back to me. “I’m sorry. I should have told you that I wasn’t ready, but I wanted to be. I wanted to be ready for everything, for you. But I wasn’t, and I wish I could tell you why I wasn’t, and I’m sure you already know this, but it was completely me. I hate to be this person, but, it wasn’t you. It was me.”

Sidney took in a big breath of air, the kind that seemed to puff his chest out even more, before sighing. “I’m only this mad because you kept telling me that you were okay, and when I told you that I had thought about marrying you, you didn’t tell me that hearing that scared you. Why didn’t you tell me that you couldn’t think that far ahead? After everything I told you, about how hard it is for me to open up to people and how much I wanted to know about you and be there for you, and you couldn’t even tell me that you had these fears?”

“I didn’t want to have them,” I tried to explain. “Sidney, I’ve been running from how much hurt and guilt Alissa’s death put on me since it happened eight years ago. I came here to deal with it, to try and figure out my life. I knew I wanted you in my life, but because I don’t have the other pieces, I didn’t know where you would fit in. It scared me to hear that you had already fit me into yours.”

He gave a half shrug. “Maybe this is for the best. I’m going back to Nova Scotia for the off season, so you won’t have to worry about me showing up and being a jerk to you, again.” He kidded.

I smiled, crossing my arms. “You’re not a jerk, Sidney. You’re a great guy.” I pursed my lips, looking away from him. “And, if you find some other girl in the off season-”

“Sop that,” he said, surprising me when he reached out and pulled me into him. When he let go of me he sighed, putting his hands into his pocket and seeming to scan over my face for a moment before he turned and headed towards the door, pausing on his way out to say, “Bye Hanna.”