Time

Cameron and I drove in silence back to the house, my parents having left earlier to get some sleep. Elizabeth would have to stay overnight, along with the tiny little baby, leaving Cameron and I to have to drive back together.

I had my head against the window, watching as the moisture from my breath fogged up a tiny space on the window for a few seconds before disappearing until my next breath. Cameron and I hadn’t uttered a single word to each other since he had told me that Elizabeth was in labour, and even though I was trying to act as if I didn’t notice the thick smoke of tension suffocating us, it was, well, suffocating.

Cameron let out a loud breath of air and glanced over at me as the car came to a brief stop at a red light. “So, are we just not talking ever again?”

I shrugged, still with my face pressed against the window, voicing no response.

Cameron tightened his grip on the steering wheel and seemed to take a deep breath before speaking again. “I’m sorry for upsetting you,” he began, having to move his attention back to the road as the light changed. “I wasn’t trying to tell you that Sidney was a bad guy, or even that you were making the wrong choices. I just don’t want you to have to look back at this relationship and wish that you hadn’t gone so far, if the relationship doesn’t work out.” He stopped, his eyes widening as he turned to look at me quickly. “Not that I’m saying I think it won’t work out I’m just…I’m just saying.”

I lifted my head up from the window and looked over at him, twisting my mouth to the side for a moment before letting out a soft, probably inaudible, sigh. “I get that. It’s just that it feels like everyone thinks that I’m too young to know what’s best for me. And I just, I’m still having a hard time listening to your advice. I can see that you’re not the same, but I’m still really affected by the past.”

“That’s why I’m worried,” he tried to explain. “Hanna, so much has happened to you. Losing your best friend, who’s also part of your family, that’s hard. And when you’re stupid brother blames you for it, it probably doesn’t help.”

I only nodded, my attention falling to my folded hands in my laps.

Cameron was silent for a few moments before he quietly said, “I don’t want you to leave in a couple of days and still hate me. I don’t want you to think that I still view you as some immature little girl who can’t make up her own mind.”

“What do you want me to think, then?” I asked, looking up at him.

The car came to a stop as we had pulled into the driveway of his house, allowing him to turn and look at me. “I want you to think-no, I want you to [I]know[/I] that I think you’re growing up to be one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known, and the only reason I’m so concerned about your relationship is because I don’t want this spirit in you to be lost in heart ache. I believe Sidney is a great guy, and I don’t doubt that you love him and he loves you,” Cameron explained, studying my face to make sure he hadn’t lost me, “I just don’t want you to give more than you’re ready to to him, and look back on this with regret. If Sidney is as amazing as I’ve heard he is, he’ll understand if you ask him to slow things down a bit.”

There was a part of me that was still angered at the mention of Sidney and I moving too fast, even those same fears were emerging in my own mind. At the same time, I could see that Cameron had never intended to set something off inside of the me the way he had. Sitting there, with the inside car light reflecting off of his face, I could see the pain Cameron felt. I could see the remorse in his eyes when he mentioned Alissa and how he had blamed me. I could hear the fear at me losing myself in a relationship that I might not be ready for in his voice when he spoke, and he looked at me expectantly, waiting to hear what I would say back, I could see that the Cameron I had grown to hate was no longer there, and that the man sitting next to me hated him just as much as I had. He had changed. He had taken the time to deal with his issues, to take steps in a better direction, to find his place in life. And the reason he was so worried about me was because he could see it clearer than anyone else;
I hadn’t yet.
I didn’t know what to say to back him. Instead of even attempting, I reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a small squeeze, and smiled. “Thanks.”

Cameron nodded back, the two of us finally climbing out of the car and heading back inside to sleep before he would be leaving to go see his new daughter, and I would be calling the airline to see if I could change my flight and head back to Pittsburgh sooner than I had planned.

------------------------------------


“What did they name her?” Peyton asked me again, yawning beside me.

“Alison. Alison Jane Ashton,” I answered, smiling faintly. “She was the tiniest, sweetest little thing I had ever seen, Peyton, I swear. I can hardly believe that Cameron was involved in creating her, she was just so lovely.”

Peyton smiled, unlocking the back of her car and letting me toss my bag in. “That’s so amazing, you being an aunt. I wish I had been there to see the little cutie.”

“Oh, don’t even worry, I took a gazillion pictures of her,” I told her, grinning. “That camera Liz and Cameron bought me certainly got used the last week. I have four packages of photos already.”

“Wow, way to be an over-achiever. Sidney’s rubbing off on you.” She glanced at me, “Speaking of which, have you talked to him since he told you he wanted to marry you and you basically hung up on him?”

“I had to hang up, Alison had just been born,” I reminded her. “I called him to tell him that the baby was here and safe, and I told him her name and weight, and then told him I was going tog et some sleep, book a flight home and I loved him.”

“So, he’s sitting at the big empty house he bought thinking you’d live in it with him wondering if he just dropped a million dollars on a house he’ll be living alone in?” Peyton asked, nodding. “You’re a great person, Hanna.”

“He didn’t sound too upset when I talked to him,” I said, trying to make myself feel better.

“Yeah, but you probably only let him get three words in before you claimed you had to go. Hanna, I saw him yesterday, and he’s not fine. He’s not bad, but he’s certainly worried that you’re going to show up and dump him.”

I whipped my head to the side so I was looking at Peyton, who was waiting for a car to get out of her way so she could back up from the parking spot. “What? Why would I do that?”

“Why would you stay with a guy that you’re afraid to picture a future with?” Peyton asked back. “Hanna, the guy told you that he planned to marry you one day, and you replied with, ‘I have to go , the babies here.’ Then you don’t even bring it up the next time you talk to him. Of course he’s worried.”

“But, I don’t want to break up with Sidney. I love Sidney,” I argued.

“Tell him that. You could just admit that you’re scared to think too far into the future. He’d understand. He’d be crushed, but he’d still understand, he’s Sidney. He’s the king of understanding everything,” Peyton reminded me, glancing at me occasionally as she drove. “Right now the guy thinks he’s scared you off. You have to tell him something.”

I nodded, looking out the window with a sigh.

----------------------------

Peyton eyed me cautiously as I walked around my basement suite, moving in and out of each room before I stopped in the hallway leading to the bathroom, placing both hands on my hips and pursing my lips out as I took in the whole basement. My eyes scanned past every wall, every speck of the carpet, before I walked into the living room where Peyton was, stopping a few feet away from the couch she was on.

“Should I move out of this place and into Sidney’s house?” I asked.

Peyton shrugged. “Have you seen Sid’s place, yet?” I shook my head, no. “It’s huge. Like, pretty sure you could get lost in it, it’s just ridiculous. But it’s really nice. The kitchen in it, Hanna, is amazing. You could just bake in there all day. He wouldn’t eat any of it, but I don’t think that that should stop you. And there’s a huge backyard where he’s already planning on putting in a barbeque and holding team parties there. The whole living room has hardwood floors, which I know you love, and he told me that you could paint any room whatever colour you wanted.” She paused, watching my face as I thought over what she had just told me. “But, if you can’t imagine marry Sidney, why would you move in with him? That’s basically being married, in case you didn’t know.”

I glanced down at her, rolling my eyes. “Peyton, I really don’t know what to do. He already bought the place, I can’t tell him I don’t want to move in with him now. He’s already getting ready for me to show up with all of my stuff, and now I might just be like, “Hey, just kidding! I’m staying here.’”

Peyton laughed, “If you do change your mind, please let that be your explanation.”

“Peyton!” I whined, sitting down on the edge of the couch.

She sighed, running a hand through her long hair. “What do you want to do Hanna? Don’t worry about what Sidney wants right now. Even if he’s upset at first, he’ll get over it, just worry about what you want. What’s best for you?”

“Sidney. Sidney is what’s best for me,” I replied.

“I understand that that’s how you feel,” Peyton began, “but, listen, the point of you moving out here to Pittsburgh was to help you sort yourself out. I know you opened up to Sidney about Alissa, and I know that you going and visiting your family was really good for you, too, but you still haven’t figured it all out. Take a minute to at least think about whether this is what would help you to set your life in motion, or if it’ll just distract you.”


I nodded, looking around the room again. “It’s just that everyone seems to think that dealing with everything and being with Sidney can’t go hand in hand. I thought the point of leaving Vancouver for awhile was to leave all of those heartaches behind.”

“No, Hanna. You never leave problems behind,” Peyton corrected. “You surround yourself with support so that you have the strength to pick those burdens up, look at them one by one, and eventually toss away the parts that hurt and learn to grow from them. The problem here is that you don’t want Sidney to help you pick these problems up yet, because he already has so much going on in his life.”

I chewed on my lip for a few moments thinking over everything that Peyton had just said and everything that Cameron had said to me the days before. Finally, I stood up from the couch and placed both hands on my hips. “I need to get some boxes.”

Peyton’s eyes fluttered shut for a few seconds as she let out a long breath of air. “Hanna, are you sure?”

“I don’t want to deal with any of this by myself anymore, Peyton. There’s some boxes in the closet by the bathroom. Can you grab them while I call Sidney?”

Peyton shook her head at me but did as I requested, heading over to the closet while I picked up the phone and called Sidney to tell him that I was ready to start moving into his new house.

----------------------------------

“So, this is the other guest room,” Sidney said, opening up what must have been the ninth door and showing me the empty room, “and then down here is the master bedroom,” he said, grinning at me as he opened up the door and let me step into the room, looking over at the bed that was already in there. “I haven’t done too much with it since it’s not just my room.”

I looked around the room, at the big green walls and the giant bathroom attached. “It’s huge. This room is the size of the Dupuis basement.”

Sidney laughed. “Yeah, it’s a lot bigger then my room at Mario’s, too. But I figure we can make it work.”

I nodded, walking over to the closet and pulling open the doors. “I expected this to be bigger,” I spun around to look at him, pointing at him. “Don’t make a ‘that’s what she said’ joke!”

He grinned, winking at me. “Well, I figured that I don’t have a lot of clothes anyways, and if all of your shirts don’t fit in there, I’ll just buy a dresser and you can put the rest of your stuff in there.”

“You’ve just thought this all out, huh?” I joked, walking back over to him. “I only brought my clothes and a few pictures. I don’t really have a lot of stuff. I guess we can take my couches if you want.”

Sidney let out a small chuckle. “No, we’ll buy new furniture.”

I followed him back down the stairs and into the giant kitchen, which was so big and so beautiful that I had actually lost my breath when I first stepped foot into it and it’s shiny black cabinets, mahogany counters and shiny silver fridge and dishwasher. “I thought you went back home to Nova Scotia once the season was done. Why did you buy such a big house?”

Sidney shrugged, leaning back against one of the counters while I sat at the island. “I have a reason to stay in Pittsburgh now. I mean, you can come with me to Cole Harbour and meet everyone, but I’ll only go for a week or two. And if you don’t want to come with me, you can stay here and redecorate. I don’t really care what the place looks like too much,” he said.

I nodded, “I guess I understand that, and also appreciate it,” I said, smiling at him. “It’s the size of it. I mean, an apartment would have been fine. Even just a normal sized house. How am I supposed to clean this?”

He grinned at me. “Well, I could hire someone to clean it. Or you could bribe Vero into helping you out,” he suggested. “And I wanted a big house. I figured the space would be needed when we did get married and eventually started a family.”

I almost fell off of my chair at the sentence, gripping the countertop as I gave my head a shake. “When we do what and what?”

Sidney frowned, confused by my response. “Well, that’s what we’re planning, right? I mean, not now, but, eventually.”

I stood up from the chair, still shaking my head. “I never really thought about it.”

Sidney made a face, watching me as I wrung my hands together. “Hanna, are you okay?”

I lifted a hand up, fanning my suddenly heated face. “I just, I don’t know. All of a sudden I don’t feel so good.”

He moved away from the counter, taking a few steps towards me. “What’s wrong? Did you eat something weird?”

“No it’s…” I stopped, looking up at Sidney and then around at the giant kitchen, the giant house. The house he had bought for the family he was planning on having, on starting, with me. I looked up at Sidney’s concerned face, seeing that all this poor boy wanted to do was make me happy, and it just felt like too much. “I can’t.”

Sidney seemed confused, blinking rapidly as he pulled his head back a bit. “You can’t what?”

I took a shaky breath, stepping away from him. “I can’t move in with you. I knew I couldn’t, but I didn’t want to admit that. I can’t live with you, in this house that you bought so that we could have little babies running around.”

Sidney reached out to touch my arm, his face falling when I moved away from his touch. “Hanna, I’m not expecting you to have kids with me right now. I’m not even 23 yet, I can’t be a dad.”

“But you want them eventually, and I don’t know if I want kids. I don’t know if I want to live in Pittsburgh for the rest of my life. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I can’t move in with you, I can’t make a decision like that when I won’t deal with anything else. I can’t bring all of my baggage in here with me.”

Sidney’s whole face was creased with lines of worry as he listened to me, utter confusion glistening in his eyes as he stared down at me. “How long have you felt like this? I thought something was off when you talked to me in PEI, but you were fine all day.”

“I just…everyone kept telling me that I wasn’t ready for all of this, and I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to admit it because admitting it meant that I hadn’t dealt with it all. I hadn’t dealt with Alissa’s death, with the resentment towards my family. I hadn’t sorted myself out.” I looked up at Sidney, my eyes glistening a bit, but my voice breaking when I saw the panic in Sidney’s eyes. “I can’t be here with you, Sidney. I’ve been using you to distract me from everything, and it was great to have that break from everything that had been haunting me before, but I can’t just keep ignoring it.”

“Then let me help you deal with it,” Sidney said, taking a step towards me. “You don’t have to live with me, just let me help you. What do you need? Counselling? I can pay for that.”

“I don’t know what I need,” I said, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. “I saw my brother, who had been this ugly person when I saw him last, and he had dealt with everything. He was still feeling guilty over what he had said to me, but he was different, better. He and Elizabeth made sure he had dealt with everything and that he was strong enough to carry on and I was looking at him on my last night there and I was… I was envious. I was mad with envy, because he was nothing like he used to be, and I as the same. He had washed away all of those issues, and I was just hiding mine.” I rubbed my eyes, well aware that it had probably caused my mascara to smear. “I think I just need to stop.”

Sidney seemed to not understand what I was saying for a moment before realization hit him and his whole face melted with hurt. “Hanna, no. I can help you. You don’t have to live here with me, but you don’t have to cut me out.”

“I don’t want to cut you out, I just don’t know if I should be in a relationship. I should have never gotten into a relationship. I should have never slept with you, or tried to move in here with you. It’s not fair to you, not when you’re making plans.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “What plans? What are you talking about?”

I reached out and grabbed his hands, looking up at him with glossy eyes. “Sidney, do you see yourself marrying me?”

He didn’t even have to think about it. “Yes. Yes, Hanna, of course I do. Are you kidding me? I’m in love with you! I look at you and all I can do is make plans for us. I want you forever. Not for a few months, forever, because after these few months together, I can’t imagine myself without you.”

I nodded, almost choking on the sobs that wanted to crawl out from my throat. “I don’t. I love you, Sidney, I do. But I don’t see anything. And it’s not you, it’s because I’m not even sure of who I am or what I want yet. I can’t do this when you’re thinking about weddings and babies and I’m still trying to figure out if I actually want to open up my own bakery or just live on the street.”

Sidney pulled his hands out of mine, his face flashing between different emotions. “What are you saying?”

I had to take a moment to make sure I still had control of myself. “I need a break. I do love you, but I need to make it so that I can even imagine the future before I can give myself to someone.”

Sidney stared at me, opening his mouth a few times without any sound accompanying the motion before he turned away from me and left the kitchen, moving out of my sight, and leaving me stand there, the pieces of my character falling around me as my body shook with the pains from not only leaving Sidney, but from every other event that I had tried to hide from.

I had come to Pittsburgh to try and fix myself, and now that it was finally time to, I was terrified.