Photography

I leaned forward against the railing of the back porch, letting out a yawn as I stared out at the massive backyard at Cameron’s house. He and my dad had spent the day working on a tree house that Cameron had been wanting to build since he and Elizabeth first learned they were expecting. I had been too consumed with my thoughts all day to venture outside and see the progress, but since my non-stop worries and contemplations were preventing me from getting any sleep, I found myself outside in the middle of the night, staring out at the barely started tree house.

“What are you doing up?”

I spun around and let out a sigh when I noticed it was Cameron, leaning back against the porch rail uncomfortably. “I couldn’t sleep. Why are you up?”

He smirked at me, leaning against the door frame. “Same reason.” He eyed me for a moment, making me look down at my bare feet nervously. Even though he had sworn to me that he wasn’t the same jerk that he had been just a year or so ago, and even though he had been nothing but pleasant to me, I was still completely uncomfortable around Cameron. I wasn’t sure I believed that he had had some epic change of heart after learning that he would be a dad, and even I was, I still didn’t know him at all. It was completely unnatural to just sit around and talk, which was what he had been trying to do since I had first arrived.

Cameron cleared his throat, making me lift my eyes up to look at him briefly before moving them away from his face and over to my reflection in the window across from me. “So, how’s Sidney doing in the playoffs?”

My eyes shot back to him, the surprise of him knowing about Sidney and I evident all over my face. “How did you-”

“Please, you think mom could keep her daughter dating everyone’s beloved hockey boy a secret?” He laughed, “Come on, Hanna. Of course I know about it.”

I moved my hands away from the rail so I could cross them in front of me. “He’s alright. I think the pressure of winning the cup again is getting to him, but he’ll push through it.”

Cameron nodded. “How long have you two been together?”

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, clearing my throat and trying to fight off how painfully uncomfortable I was. “Uhm, well we met at the end November, and we started dating towards the end of February.”

He nodded, “So, about four months?”

“Yeah, but I’ve known him for seven months, and we were basically a couple from the start,” I told him.

Cameron frowned, giving his head a bit of an amused shake. “Well, but if you’ve been his girlfriend for four months, then you’ve been dating for four months. You can’t count yourselves as a couple from the day you met,” he reasoned.

I felt my lips purse together, my blood growing hot beneath my skin as I looked at him. “I don’t think it matters how long we’ve been an official couple. I love him, and he loves me, and he takes care of me. That’s all that should matter to you.”

Cameron still looked completely confused, rubbing his face tiredly before giving it another shake. “Why are you being so defensive about this? I’m not saying anything bad about your relationship, I just wanted to know how long you’ve been a couple, that’s all,” he said, looking at me.

I shrugged, looking away from him again. “I just don’t like it when people assume that we haven’t been together long enough to be taking bigger steps.” The sentence was meant to be said in my inner monologue, but it had escaped from my lips before I had the chance to realize the words were passing. My eyes shot up to Cameron, watching as he face went from utter confusion to understanding in a few seconds.

“Oh my God, you’re sleeping with him,” he said, putting his face in his hands. “Hanna, I thought you were smarter then that.”

I almost laughed, my arms uncrossing and falling to my sides. “Don’t talk to me like you have any idea as to who I am. We haven’t talked in over a year, and even before that, you were too busy telling me about how everything that happened was my fault to actually catch a fragment of who I was or am. Don’t start playing the older brother role now, and don’t judge Sidney. You’ve never even met him.”

Cameron lifted his head out of his hands and stared at me for a good two minutes, his face completely blank of an expression. He just stared at me, as if he didn’t know what to say to me, before he shook his head again. “I don’t doubt that Sidney’s a good guy,” he finally said, “but I also don’t doubt that one day you’re going to look back on this and wish you hadn’t given so much of yourself to him this soon into your relationship, even if you think you’re going to marry him.” He sighed, leaning back against the doorframe and watching my face, clearly noticing the way my eyes widened with nerves at the mention of marriage. His mouth dropped open, his head falling forward as he stared at me. “You’re not even sure you’re going to marry him?”

I looked away from him again, my hands smoothing down my shirt as I tried to find any form of distraction to keep me from meeting his gaze again.

“You-” he stopped, taking a couple of deep breaths before he took a step forward. “You’re not even sure you want to marry him, but you’re sleeping with him? Hanna, what were you thinking?”

“Why is this such a big deal?” I asked. “There are so many girls who sleep with guys they aren’t even in a relationship with. You slept with anything that had a pulse for years, and you’re lecturing me?”

“That’s why I’m worried,” he said. “Hanna, I made every mistake a person could make, I don’t want you to make the same ones.”

“Sidney is not a mistake,” I said, my voice low. “You don’t know him.”

“I don’t need to know him. All I need to know is that it’s been four months and he’s already fucking you,” Cameron said, his voice growing a bit louder.

“It’s not like that,” I said back, stepping towards him. “Sidney loves me. He takes care of me. He helped me figure out what I want to do with my life, he helped me moved into my place, he calls me every day, he paid for me to fly out to Pittsburgh and visit all of them. He isn’t some dumb hockey player who’s only with me for the sex. And besides, we haven’t been intimate for long, it’s only been about a month, not even.”

“I don’t care how long it’s been happening. It’s happening. Hanna, you can’t even tell me you’re going to marry this guy and you’re sleeping with him. You think four months, or however long you’re going with, isn’t long enough to think about a wedding, but it justifies sleeping with him? If marriage scares you, you’re not ready for sex.”

“Are you really trying to talk to me like you even give a shit about what happens to me?” I asked him, almost smirking. “Just because you’ve decided to be a decent human being now doesn’t mean that you get to talk to me like you know what’s best. And who are you to decide what I’m ready for?”

Cameron closed his eyes, rubbing his temples. “Hanna, I know that I was horrible to you, I get that. That’s why I’m so worried. I already helped fuck up half of your life by blaming you for Alissa’s death, and I know that ruined most of high school for you. I don’t want you to ruin anymore of your life by giving this guy more of you than he deserves, at least this far. Maybe Sidney is the guy you’ll end up, but if you’re not sure yet, why are you given him so much of you?”

I opened my mouth to respond, feeling my chin begin to quiver unexpectedly, Cameron’s image growing blurry in front of me as a wave of tears surfaced the front of my eyes. I shut my mouth, trying to swallow back the crying fit that was threatening to form. “He wants to buy a house,” I said, my voice cracking as I spoke, “and he wants me to live with him.”

Cameron took in a deep breath, clenching his fists next to his side. “Hanna, please think about that before you agree. Make sure you see yourself with him forever before you take that step, please. If you two break up and you’re already living together, you’ll have nowhere to go.”

My chin was still quivering, despite my best efforts to try and calm myself. “Why does everyone keep telling me that? Why can’t any of you just be happy for me?”

“Because we love you,” he said, walking over to me and putting a hand on my shoulder, “and we don’t want to see you hurt again. That’s why. At least, that’s why I’m saying it.”

I shrugged his hand off of my shoulder, moving away from him and towards the open back door, wiping the few tears that had made it out of my eyes. “I’m tired. I’m going to sleep now,” I mumbled, walking back into the house and waiting until I had made it into the room I was staying in to collapse on the bed and cry, even though I still wasn’t sure what was making me do so.

----------------------------------------

Elizabeth was the only one in the house when I finally made my way upstairs. She was sitting in the living room with her feet up, one hand rubbing her pregnant belly as she watched a re-run of the Ellen show. She glanced up at me when I stepped into the living room, smiling. “Good morning. How did you sleep?”

I returned her smiled, sitting down on one of the chairs and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “Well, thanks. How are you feeling?”

She sighed, “Pregnant. But there’s only another week or so before she’s supposed to be arriving.” She smiled down at her belly as she said this before looking back up at me. “Hey, I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable, but I sent Cameron out to buy you something early this morning. It’s sitting on the counter.”

I was surprised, but made my way into the kitchen to find what she had sent him out for. My eyes immediately landed on the giant box sitting on the counter, reading the label and feeling my mouth drop open. It was a brand new camera, A Nikon Coolpix 8700, staring up at me. I picked the box up, still in shock, and made my way back into the living room where Liz was.

She grinned at me. “Your mom told me that you’re thinking about going into the baking business, so I know this seems a little off, but I still remember the first time I met you and the way you always had that rented camera from your high school around your neck. You took pictures of everything, and you had an eye for it, too. I don’t know, maybe I’m being silly, but I just thought that maybe you had forgotten about how much you loved photography. Even if you don’t want to get back into that, I still want you to have that. You can take high class pictures of your baking,” she suggested, smiling.

I had to shake my head a bit, still staring at the box. “Elizabeth this is, this is amazing. Thank you.”

“I hope you enjoy it,” she said. “Maybe you could even take some pictures of Sidney and the team? You could be a sports photographer.”

I laughed, “Well, this is the wrong camera for that, but I’m sure I can find many things to take pictures of. I could even take some of the baby once she’s here.”

Elizabeth’s whole face seemed to light up at the sentence. “Oh, Hanna that would be amazing.”

I smiled back at her, looking down at the camera. “I’m going to take this to my room and put it together. Unless you need something?”

She shook her head, “No, I’m fine. Besides, Cam and your parents should be back any minute, and then they can deal with me.”

I laughed, standing up from the chair. “Thank you again, Liz. I haven’t touched a camera since high school. I hope I still have an eye for it,” I said, smiling at her.

She shrugged, “As long as you still love photography, I don’t see why it matters.” She eyed me for a moment before sighing. “Listen, about whatever happened between Cameron and you last night, I hope you know that anything he said wasn’t meant to hurt you. I know he wasn’t the greatest brother, but he really has changed. I wouldn’t have married him if he wasn’t a good guy.”

I forced a small smile, nodding at her. “Yeah, I know.” I sighed, lifting the box up, “I’m going to go play with this now.”

She nodded, watching me walk back towards the stairs that lead down to my room.

I set the camera down on my bed once I had managed to screw it together and stared down at it. As excited as I was that Elizabeth remembered how much I had loved photography, I couldn’t shake last night’s conversation from my head. Maybe it was more then what Cameron had said. Maybe I was just as worried about how caught up I was getting with Sidney as everyone else was. I wasn’t sure. But as I played around with the camera, taking a few for fun shots and then thinking about how I could do some head shots for Peyton’s beauty class, and take pictures of Sidney’s birthday in a few months, I started thinking about what I really wanted in the future. When I closed my eyes and thought about it, Sidney was there, he was. But everything else I had thought I wanted to be or do in the future was gone in, well, in a flash.

And it was terrifying.